WHY I HATE HALLOWEEN

It was 1962 and I was finally going to be allowed to accompany my older sisters and brother to go trick or treating. I had just turned 4 the month before. Finally the day came when my mom brought our costumes home from the store. My eldest sister was going to be a wicked witch ooooo! My older brother was going to be a ware wolf ooooo! And my other 2 older sisters were going as a ghost and a goblin ooooooooo!

Then it was my turn to learn what I was going to be. I opened the box of the one size fits all combination overall suit with a picture of what ever you’re supposed to be printed on it and plastic mask. For some reason these costumes were made of a material unknown in the rest of the universe. The first thing you learn about these costumes is that “one size fits all” is bullsh*t. The legs and sleeves were several inches too long for me. But my mom refused to cut them off. Instead she tried rolling them up. But the unknown material apparently had some sort of memory mechanism because as quickly as she would roll the material, when she let go it would unroll. So she rolled each of my legs and sleeves and secured them with safety pins. I learned later that there is nothing safe about safety pins.

The masks of these cheap as it gets Halloween costumes were miserable. The eye holes never lined up leaving the kid to peer out with one eye. This had the result of leaving you with no depth perception. The other peculiar aspect of these plastic masks was how the cool autumn evening air causes the accumulation of condensation on hard surfaces like the inside of a plastic mask. Combine this with sweat and saliva and you end up with your face swimming in a pool of a disgusting slimy mixture from hell.

But none of this was as bad as I felt when I learned just WHAT I was going to be. I opened the box and there was a costume of Biffo the Clown. Biffo??? Who the hell is Biffo? I’m going as a clown and it’s not even a famous one like Bozo? But there was going to be candy and nothing was going to stop me from getting my cut. So with sleeves and legs rolled and pinned we were off.

Before we were even out of our own yard my older sisters and brother took off running. Naturally I tried to keep up. Within 5 steps both pins holding up my legs popped and down they came. Now I’m running on the pant legs causing the whole thing to tug down on me as I stepped on the legs. Four more steps and I did my first face plant. Luckily it was on grass. By the time I got to the first door my older siblings were 5 houses down. Fearing I’d be left behind I by passed nearly every house trying to keep up. By the time the evening was over I’d done at least a dozen face plants and the skin on my face felt like sponge cake. And all I got for my trouble was a caramel popcorn ball that was now covered in lint because our trick or treat sacks also served as pillow cases and a scattering of candy corn and some Bazooka gum.

Year 2.

This year it would be different. I gave up on the idea of trying to keep up with my siblings. Instead I planned my own route that would ensure I would not get lost. Then came the day when we received our all in one box costumes. Mom was excited to tell me that this year I was going as a well known character. Now we’re talking, I’ll be the envy of all the Kindergartners. I opened the box and there was the face of Casper the Friendly Ghost staring back at me. Only it was truly spooky due to the blank eye holes. MOM!!! Casper?, you’ve got to be kidding. All that costume got me was my ass kicked when the other kids saw me. How humiliating.

Year 5.

Year 3 and 4 were lean years for us so instead of store bought costumes my mom put some old clothes on us, smeared chimney soot on our faces and voila, we were hobos. But in year 5 things were back to our normal all in one box store bought costumes. This year my mom would surely choose a costume befitting an 8 year old wise to the ways of trick or treating. My legs nearly collapsed when I opened the box and saw Slappo the Clown. MOM!!! Why do you keep buying me these lame costumes? Then the conspiracy was revealed when mom answered. What are you talking about. Your older sisters said they knew exactly what you wanted.

Luckily she had purchased the thing a few days prior so I insisted we return it for one of my own choosing. So, after burning the faces off several of my sisters Barbie Dolls we were off to the store to exchange the lame Slappo for what I wanted. It was 1966 and I was 8 so for me it was no contest. I was going to be Batman.

It was the best Halloween of all. I Batmanned my way from house to house and my final take impressed even my older brother. I loved that costume so much I kept wearing it and wearing it. That is until one day I stepped in front of a mirror and discovered I wasn’t Batman anymore. I had become Duct Tape Man.

That was the last year I ever went trick or treating. Several cases of wackos hiding needles and even razor blades in fruit and contaminating candy with drugs freaked my folks out. After that we just had parties at home.