Beyond the Edge of the Universe with Bob and Eus (Part I)

If you are a contrarian by nature and view this world as a bit ass-backwards, you might enjoy a trip to the anti-universe. Physicists make a big scary deal about the power of this dark nether world with theories of time warps and black holes gobbling whole galaxies as effortlessly as a Hoover vacuum sucks up dust balls.

I’ve recently discovered that is actually quite easy to visit this other world. You can come back in one piece and have quite a pleasant experience, especially if your tour guides are Bob and Eus.

So where is this place? Some time ago, scientists looked up at the heavens and concluded that there just wasn’t enough stuff out there to jive with their mathematical notion of how much stuff should be in a universe. This is a very natural observation. If we humans have a space in our homes to stick something, it will soon be crammed with our treasures, knick-knacks and doo-dads. To the star gazers in white coats, there appeared a definite lack of doo-dads out in the great beyond. The stellar kitchen drawer was too empty; the cupboard, too bare. After some thought, the great minds concluded there must be something unseen rapidly consuming all the missing stuff. A black hole in the night sky?

The vacuum cleaner analogy helps me visualize this theory. A stealth Hoover sucks up big chunks of matter. The hose of this stellar predator is called a “black hole”. Inside the belly of the beast we find a defective dust bag called the anti-universe. It is the diametric opposite of our world filled with anti-matter occasionally annihilating our doo-dads to produce spectacular bursts of pure energy. The dust bag is defective because some of the matter escapes through a small hole and returns to our universe. Here is the part I like the best: the tear in the dust bag is called a “worm hole” and the recycled matter leaves the Hoover through a “white hole.” These propeller heads are doing some good mushrooms, bro’!

You needn’t be an astronaut to find a black hole, they exist right here on Earth. For centuries all manner of things have been disappearing in the so-called “Bermuda Triangle.” Some scientists now suspect there could be some truth to what has been until recently just the fodder for science fiction tales. A black hole in Davy Jone’s locker? Of course! This ole Colonel not only believes this is true but is now quite confident that they are everywhere. If you have a garage bereft of cars and packed to rafters with stuff, you may be spawning black holes in your very neighborhood. How about that dark overstuffed closet, seen your 1970s side-zipper boots lately? Believe me, the anti-humans love this period stuff, Bob and Eus have a formidable collection of disco era memorabilia and have been lifting lost and forgettable stuff from our universe for eons.

I’m getting ahead of my story so let me fill in a few details. You see, the anti-universe is populated by anti-humans. In their colloquial jargon, Bob and Eus call themselves “hunots.” How is this possible you might reasonably ask? Why should beings in a leaky intergalactic dust bag have any command of language similar to our own? The answer is quite simple. When a hunot is born they possess ALL knowledge, all there is to know about their topsy-turvy world and ours.

These omniscient little buggers have no problem talking to you in your own language, a distinct advantage of being a know-it-all. There is a downside; the young hunots are wrinkled, flabby and quite frail. Fortunately, as they grow up the wrinkles fade and they grow stronger and better looking ever anti-day. Hey bro’, having witnessed this firsthand, my experience brought a whole new meaning to “ugly babies” and “smart-ass kids.”

Sadly with age, the hunots lose their omniscience, slowly become stellar idiots and eventually very dense dead stars. I had the good fortune of meeting Miss Anti-Universe on my trip and believe me she was a knock dead beauty! Not very bright but what the heck, factoring in time warp, she was 50 billion years old!

This is probably enough food for thought for tonight. In the episodes to follow, I’ll explain how I got sucked into the dust bag, met Bob and Eus and then found my way back to terra firma through a diminutive white hole in their egarag.

Cheers,

Colonel Possum

Reader’s Quiz Question:

Q: Why are hunots so fond of our Disco era?

A: Disco sucks!

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