FLAME - Prologue
Six days after the spring equinox
9605 B.C.
Atlantis
Tomorrow morning would start with the procession, with all of Phaethon’s priests proudly marching down the main avenue towards the temple. Their order would be determined by rank; those at the front held the highest honors. Zanfor scrolled though the names on the crystal display, determining their seniority, his foremind occupied by a task his god approved. But Zanfor’s hindmind had other thoughts, musings Phaethon would incinerate him for if it detected them.
He had discovered his hidden talent to divide his mind in two as a young boy. He found he could think thoughts Phaethon could not detect, for he went unpunished. All his companions in the academy had received reprimands from Atlantis’ god when their minds strayed from its tenets, their arms dotted with puckered burn scars--but not Zanfor. With his foremind he dwelt on the blessings of being a child of Phaethon, but in his hindmind he could truly consider the horror of his people’s plight. Atlantis was dominated by an entity not of this world--a being of pure evil.
Almost two hundred cycles past, a metal vessel from the stars crashed into the ocean off Atlantis’s shores. Its hull so hot it boiled the surrounding waters. A few brave sailors approached the slowly sinking craft when the waters had cooled to a safe level. The strange vessel was enormous, large enough to contain the population of a moderate town. Its hull had fractured in many places like a dropped egg, steam issuing from within. The sailors found a large chest lodged in a crack, and managed to retrieve it just before the vessel from the stars sank into the sea. They brought it back to shore, and soon after Atlantis’s subjugation began, for the chest contained a god.
Zanfor in his hindmind doubted Phaethon was a true god. How could a god not know his secret thoughts? How could Phaethon be unaware the island it dominated would be destroyed this very night? A god that only knew what its subjects knew was no god at all.
Zanfor had known of Atlantis’ fate for almost a cycle now. He had stumbled upon the revelation by accident while studying an indexing of lunar patterns and planetary alignments. Six days after the next spring equinox, the earth would be torn asunder beneath the island, sinking Atlantis into the sea. The shock of this discovery was so great that Zanfor’s foremind nearly revealed it to Phaethon. Instantly mental fingers sank into his skull, questing for the cause of his alarm. His hindmind reacted instinctively, submerging the knowledge and replaced it with rapturous wonderment for his god’s creation. Phaethon dug through his consciousness like a ravenous badger until it was satisfied, then retreated; shifting focus as it tirelessly monitored thousands of subjects.
Since that day, Zanfor had been torn between keeping his discovery a secret and revealing it to his people. He knew that all would perish when the cataclysm struck--that Atlantis would cease to exist. But if he spoke of his findings, Phaethon would have itself moved to safe ground. Then the evil entity from the stars could continue ruling over mankind, eventually expanding its influence till it covered the earth in an ensnaring web of fear. No, it was better to sacrifice a single nation than all of humanity. And so he kept his secret shut off within his hindmind.
Zanfor took steps to keep the other priests from making the same discovery by making the study of the planetary orbits his own personal domain. Only his apprentice knew what would happen this night. Zanfor had suspected that there might be others who possessed his special ability, and so he went to the academies to seek out another. When he found young Perda unscarred, Zanfor knew he had found a kindred spirit. After the passage of eighty cycles, the High Priest knew that none could be so pure of mind to escape Phaethon’s chastisement completely. Tonight Perda would leave Atlantis to journey to the eastern continent; thus he would be spared from the impending disaster. He would pilot a solo hovercraft Zanfor had hidden in a sheltered cove, and bring with him remembrance crystals storing all knowledge regarding Phaethon. These wondrous devices were only a few of the many technological miracles inspired by Atlantis’ god. It was strangely fitting that they would be used to ensure its destruction. If Phaethon were to somehow survive tonight’s cataclysm, then Perda or his descendants would know the enemy.
Zanfor? Stealthy prods slid into his foremind.
"Yes, my lord?" The High Priest responded aloud.
You seem particularly light of spirit this evening. Your thoughts have been somber of late, but tonight you mind is aglow with positive energies. What inspires these feelings, foremost of all my worshipers?
"Why you, my god," Zanfor replied with genuine surprise. "You are the source of all my joy, as well as my moments of solemn contemplation."
Just as it should be, my High Priest. You should rest now. The dawn will bring a most glorious day.
"In that we agree, most holy Phaethon." Zanfor tapped his stylus at the corner of the crystal to extinguish its soft glow, and then placed it in its receptacle. He glanced at the giant bronze doors for a moment, a brief smile upon his thin lips, then he turned and strode out of the sanctum sanatorium into the night.


Comments: 15
Some minor edits:
After introducing Zanforalternodous and Peraistoseera, why not shorten their names to Zanfor and Perais (or something)?
'His foremind dwelt on feelings of contentment, pleased to be serving his god as he made plans for the final day of the seven-day Spring Equinox Festival.'
'Foremind' and 'hindmind' are interesting terms. You mention foremind here, though, and don't clear up the confusion as to what that might be until the end of the next paragraph. It creates a little bit of a hitch for the reader. You might want to edit this line to remove the reference to his foremind.
This:
'musings Phaethon would incinerate him for if detected them.'
is missing a word:
'musings Phaethon would incinerate him for if HE (IT?) detected them.'
Lovely: 'Atlantis was dominated by an entity not of this world--a being of pure evil.'
'subjection' -- 'subjugation?' (I know they're synonyms. I just like the second one better. Ignore me on this.)
' Zanforalternodous, in his hindmind' -- no comma here.
'shifting focus as he tireless monitored thousands of subjects.' -- should be: 'shifting focus as he tirelessLY monitored thousands of subjects.'
I didn't understand this:
'Then the evil entity from the stars could continue his occupation of Atlantis...'
Isn't Atlantis about to sink?
The comma in this: 'Tonight Peraistoseera would leave Atlantis to journey to the eastern continent, thus he would be spared from the impending disaster.' should be a semi-colon.
Also lovely: '"Why you, my god," Zanforalternodous replied with genuine surprise. "You are the source of all my joy, as well as my moments of solemn contemplation."'
Thanks for sharing, John G.
Cathy
---You Said: "After introducing Zanforalternodous and Peraistoseera, why not shorten their names to Zanfor and Perais (or something)? "
I figured most people would do what I when reading a story: Your mind would not try to read out the entire name everytime you saw it--only the first time. After that I figured readers would just quickly recoginize the name and zip onto the next word. Plus these names will not reappear in the rest of the book.
I like it, but it kept me from staying in the "scene".
Also I did not "see" the main charachter. No refence to his appearnace, his stature, his hands, only his ability of controling his thoughts to decieve the god. Which I thought wa s a great idea, but if you want me the reader to relate tto he main charachter, show him to me somehow. Even as he looks at the crystal, I wondered what were his eyes like. I wnat to like the characther because he is concerned for his people and the evil that may take over. I just want to see him more. Good job overall. Glad it's a prologue instead of a chapter.
George ran his fingers through his wavy black hair.
Julia shielded her dark green eyes from the harsh sunlight.
Mack ducked his six-foot-seven frame through the low ship's hatchway.
Anyone have an opinion on this?
Julia shielded her dark green eyes from the harsh sunlight.
Mack ducked his six-foot-seven frame through the low ship's hatchway."
I think you can describe the character physical appearance in third person narrative. It's first person that you run into the problem you mentioned:
I ran my fingers through my wavy black hair.
I shielded my dark green eyes from the harsh sunlight.
I ducked my six-foot-seven frame through the low ship's hatchway.
That sounds silly and something that a person would never think of themselves...but there is a difference between POV and narration. You are the narrator--no matter how close you get to your character, so you can describe him.
I also agree with you on the names. The first time I read it I said to myself, now how would you pronounce that? And, I hope he shortens it, but the the third time, he was Z to me...
A rather lengthy prologue, isn't it? I mean, given my distaste for them in the first place, why not simply make this the first chapter?
What is it with prologues, anyway? That's a rhetorical question, by the way.
"The high priest's gray robes clung to his lean frame like a burial shroud as he rapidly moved his magnetic stylus upon the console."
This one line is a perfect example of the style of the whole piece.
Overwritten, flowery, overdone….a writer in love with his own voice, or as I first thought – Shakespeare does sci-fi. It doesn't work for this genre.
It's either going to be a literary, poetic, novel or a sci-fi adventure. It cannot be both. Choose one.
Huh? You think it's lengthy? It is 1,053 words. I grabbed 3 books from my bookshelf and they have the following prologue lengths:
1,860 words
3,360 words
3,456 words
It's a prologue because the action takes place 11,000 years before what happens in the rest of the book.
--- Chandra Said: "Overwritten, flowery, overdone….a writer in love with his own voice, or as I first thought – Shakespeare does sci-fi. It doesn't work for this genre.
It's either going to be a literary, poetic, novel or a sci-fi adventure. It cannot be both. Choose one. "
Now I am very curious what you will think of the prose in Chapter One:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976951630
Trust me when I say that the difference in writing style is very intentional. I really wanted the prologue to evoke a sense of an ancient, formal, poetic time. The rest of the book is a modern day nuts and bolts writing style…or so I hope it seems.
Thanks for the feedback!
hanashi.gather.com
On to the Prologue: Well, I knew we were talking Science Fiction or Fantasy. Atlantis huh? Not quite ten thousand years before Plato, but close enough for events that long before recorded history. And we're talking the night before the water hits the fan. Okay I'm interested.
Reading on: The high priest knows the basement's going to get water in it, along with the rest of the city. I wonder if the all-to-real god probing his mind knows too. Apparently not. Sounds like Zanfar is of two minds on this whole mind-reading god thing.
So Zanfor can play the Eddie Haskell thing, only in his mind. This next sentence kind of jarred me out of the story. Atlantis was dominated by an entity not of this world--a being of pure evil. I was figuring that out from the clues you left, and to be honest I would rather be shown this than told it. Unless you need to put this here in order to move the story along I would leave it out and let people figure all of this out for themselves. A science fiction audience will already be well on their way to doing that anyway.
I'm not done here by any means, and I would prefer not to pause on a down note, but I have to run a few errands before it gets too late, and the cats have a nasty habit of stepping on the outlet strip and turning the computer off when I'm not here to stop them, so I'll go ahead and post this. More within the hour.
In any case, back to the story: So we have a crashed spaceship with a telepathic alien. The priest knows Atlantis is going down for the count, but has been able to keep that discovery from the 'god'. He is willing to die along with his people in order to take the 'god' with him. That's noble of him. This 'god' must be a thoroughly unpleasant type. As a backup, the priest sends an apprentice with "knowledge crystals" to a place where he will survive.
Not a bad start to a story. I'm guessing that since this is a prologue, Atlantis does get overwhelmed on schedule. I'm also guessing that we're about to cut to the near future, where one or all of the 'god', the crystals, and/or the spaceship are about to turn up. Sounds like a promising setup. I'll see where you go with this.
According to my research, 9605 B.C. is about dead-on. Plato's main character in his dialogues concerning Atlantis is Critias, son of Dropides and grandfather of the Critias who takes part in the dialogues. It was he who related the story of Atlantis to the Critias of the dialogues.
Solon is an Athenian traveler, poet, and lawgiver who lived from approximately 638-559 B.C. According to Plato it was he who learned of the story of Atlantis from an Egyptian priest.
Critias: Let me begin by observing first of all, that nine thousand was the sum of years which had elapsed since the war which was said to have taken place between those who dwelt outside the Pillars of Heracles and all who dwelt within them; this war I am going to describe.
So 9000 + Average of (638-559) = 9605 B.C.
Make sense? :)
Thanks for the feedback!!!
Heck, that foremind vs. hindmind thing is what I've lived with as long as I can remember. Would never have done anything good if not for that hindmind. Really fun and I look forward to reading more.
Good introduction (sorry, I'm normally a non-fiction writer :-)); very good first chapter.
People can pick anyone's writing apart all day long. Heck, there is some stuff in John Grisham's novels that I think he could have changed for the better. The same goes for Stephen King, Nicholas Sparks, Nelson DeMille. It seems the only writer who never goes wrong and just keeps getting better is John Irving. If you haven't read his stuff, grab it right away. He is a god among writers.