Driving on the cheap and Saving Money on Gas

"If you hit the car in front of you before the second "Mississippi," you were too close."


I know rising gas prices are a big problem for many because on that subject Google lists 3,310,000 Web pages, 87% of which are either owned by the oil companies, such as exxonisanamerican.com, or controlled by oil companies as in yourfederalgovernment.gov.

These compromised sites are the wrong place to go if you're trying to save money. The type of tip you'll find there is: "Drive as fast as you can. The sooner you get there, the sooner you'll stop burning expensive gas." This, of course, is ridiculous. Everyone knows if you drive as fast as you can you'll get a speeding ticket that costs more than a tank of gas.

Here are some real sure-fire ways to save money on gas from the experts:

1. Do not speed away when the light turns green. Accelerate slowly and you'll use less fuel. Don't let all the honking bother you. Honkers have trust funds.

2. Do not speed up to a red light. When you see a light change, ease off the gas and let inertia take you to the intersection. The best thing about inertia is that is comes free with the Universe.

3. Don't speed. Driving at the speed limit, or under it, can save between three and five miles per gallon. Again, ignore the honking.

4. Don't play bumper tag. Also know as tailgating, this results in constant braking and acceleration. Fun but very inefficient. Allow two seconds of space between your car and the one ahead. You can calculate this distance by saying "one Mississippi, two Mississippi." If you hit the car in front of you before the second "Mississippi," you were too close.

5. Don't run the motor while standing still. Hanging out in the fast food drive-through is fuelish. Call in advance and tell them exactly when you will cruise by their establishment. With a little practice, you and the fast-food service personnel will get this toss-and-run technique down to amazing accuracy.

6. Fill up with a lower-octane gasoline. Forget your owner's manual. Buy the lowest-octane gasoline you can find. It may be a little noisy but it'll get you there and the knocking will drown out the honking.

So much for the experts, now here are My Rules for Cutting Your Fuel Budget.

Don't drive. A lot of people forget this, but it's a scientific fact: when you don't drive, you spend less money on gas.

Ride in other people's cars. Your neighbors are going to the grocery store anyway, other kids have to be driven to school and there's always someone close who likes to unwind occasionally with a nice slow lap dance. Jack your car up in your driveway and tell the neighbors you have a near fatal engine condition and have sent to Estonia for spare parts.

An alternative to being dictated to by Big Oii is to thumb your nose at Poppa Petroleum and convert your car to run on water — this approach is scientifically based on an actual ad. For less than a tank of gas you get an instruction manual that allows you to build the product yourself out of parts available at any hardware or nuclear reactor spare parts store. According to my ad source, this procedure is "EASY!" There are only 1,083 steps.

This conversion supplements your fuel by breaking tap water into its components, one of which is hydrogen. Yes, the same hydrogen of Hindenburg and hydrogen bomb fame except in this application your car does not explode. You burn the hydrogen as it is created so it cannot build up to a critical mass. It is suggested, however, that you not idle while waiting for your wife to "zip into the mall."

The electricity from your car battery converts water into the gas HHO, also known as Hydroxy or Brown's Gas after the inventor, the late Jeremiah Brown, whose wife unfortunately took a little too long at Costcos during their first trial run.

With this manual you can convert one quart of water into 1800 gallons of HHO gas, the most amazing conversion ratio since a young Nazarene fed hundreds of guests from one loaf of bread and a carafe of '0028 zinfandel.
###

[Don't forget to look at the second picture above.]