There have been numerous reports recently in such prestigious magazines as Inventions Today as well as in the New York Times, the Saskatoon Trapper and other newspapers, of significant new inventions and discoveries that will, no doubt, prove to be of great benefit to people everywhere. For example a Dr. Pieder Pantz of the University of Schleswig in Denmark has invented a boot containing a patented chemical imbedded between the inner and outer layers that not only keeps the feet warm and cosy in the winter but also melts the ice and snow where the wearer steps as he or she walks. This allows the return trip to be safer and faster.
A pellet about the size of a droplet of deer dung, packed with multi-minerals, vitamins, and other nutrients, can expand to twenty times its original size when swallowed. The pellet contains enough nutrients as well as fluids to last three days for anyone lost in the desert, forest or arctic wilderness. One pocketfull of these pellets can last up to two months as long as the unfortunate lost person has not succumed to the elements. The scientist who invented these pellets is Dr. Furtive Munching from the Royal Academy of Bionutritional Sciences in Topping, England.
Dr. Maylou Nette, a professor of ocular regeneration, has discovered a process for sharpening visual acuity in myopic patients. The process consists of applying eyedrops containing a patented blend of pomegranite extract, omega-3 fatty acids, and whale liver. Dr. Nette teaches at the Institut Polytechnique de la Merade in Ste. Anne-de-la-Pocatiere in Quebec, Canada.
The founder of the Dynga Conervatory in Mysore, India, Dr. Birdsby Ganta Singh, is credited with the discovery of a potentially life-saving procedure for reversing the debilitating effects of dropsy, an infectious disease common to India. The procedure, utilizing an extract of cow dung, involves immersing the patient in a bath of the liquid extract for a period of one hour per day for fifteen days. The procedure has proven remarkably successful in more than ninety percent of the patients. Great care must be taken to prevent the patient from swallowing any of the formula.
In an attempt to reduce the number of deaths by firearms, Major Gunken Troll of the National Academy of Altercation Science in Defense Heights, Maryland, has invented a devise that is attached to all firearms either at the factory, or at the dealership prior to sale. When the trigger of a weapon so fitted is pulled a signal is sent to the nearest police station identifying authorities of the name and address of the gun owner, and the exact location where the weapon is being discharged. This allows police and ambulance the opportunity to proceed to the scene sooner than would otherwise be possible.
Dr. Bagama Noor, of the Islamic Institute of Behavioral Science in Kermanshah, Iran, has been working on a device which attaches inconspicuously to any version of the Holy Qur'an. The purpose of the device is to alert the person quoting or expounding on the sacred scriptures in the event that a misinterpretation occurs. In case of such a misfortune an unobtrusive signal is emitted pointing out the error and presenting, instead, a more accurate rendition complete with the appropriate references. Work on this invention is expected to be completed in time for Ramadan. A similar device was proposed for the Holy Bible, however in view of the admonition that "the books of God are sealed up until the time of the end", Dr. Noor is waiting until that time arrives.
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 24
Re. "books sealed up" the correct quotation from the Scriptures is found in the book of Daniel 12:9 "...the words are closed up and sealed till the time of the end".
Amusing article. It and other things I've read make me ask, what is your view of the second amendment?
I posted a response here but it seems to have disappeared, so here it is again.
The second amendment is the one containing the words "the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."
Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
ps - the NRA isn't the militia either.
I also know that at the time they were fired upon they had already given up the military armaments: the cannon, shot, muskets and gunpowder that effectively belonged to "the King's militia" but when they were told to lay down their own personal arms they refused.
So April 19th 1775 the revolution was at hand.
Though I have flitted around on this some over the years, I am firmly convinced that this is the defining difference between the US and other civilized countries. I'll admit that many persons who are the biggest on guns are the best argument against anyone having them but if you look at our history, people have always possessed and carried guns. Right now, in our state, a citizen in good standing, may carry a weapon on his person at all times except when in a proscribed place such as a school or court house, at any and all times. Gun violence, on the other hand, is relegated to criminals and is not practiced by citizens in good standing.
When I was a kid in high school, students took guns to school, both to hunt with and to show other students, like the day after Christmas. The teachers were well aware of these weapons and didn't object after checking to see the weapons were unloaded.
Part of the law was because the country had just been through a war with England and felt that the citizens needed to be able to prevent abuse by the government as they had done. And while no one is going up against the federal agents and their massive weaponry, police types are going to be a lot more careful in infringing on other rights if they know the people may well be armed.
This will be going up to the Supreme Court this year in a decision over whether Washington DC can legally outlaw all handguns. I believe also the question of having to keep weapons disassembled would be addressed also. Obviously, a disassembled weapon is of little use against an intruder. Both sides wait with baited breath on this decision.
One of the current problems may be the lack of familiarity with guns in our society. Back when the Youngers, Daltons and James tried to hold up the Northfield bank. They got shot all to pieces by the townspeople who know how to respond and didn't fear guns. Only the James' got away without capture.
If one reads the American Rifleman magazine, put out by the National Rifle Association, they list each issue, many occurances of someone using a gun to prevent both crime and death. You only read about the cases where guns are improperly used. I've kept guns for most of my life and have never used or thought of using one against another human being. I didn't give my kids guns for toys until they were old enough to use a BB gun and learn the responsibilities that go with one.
Your reluctance is well placed and I understand. I thought you might have certain feelings based on your statements but if not, that's just fine by me.
I would ask you, is there really such a thing as "National Academy of Altercation Science in Defense Heights, Maryland?"
Actually, that is a really dumb question when I consider the article in it's entirety! Your sense of humor is growing all the time.
What the article means to me is that you sent your imagination out to play and this is what followed him home with a "can we keep it" attached!
Thomas that bit of spoof led to the discourse on the Second Amendment, I think.
But did you know some cities are now installing trajectory trackers that identifiy the area from which a bullet was fired so police can respond?
So art (your article) imitates life!
Re your question re the National Academy . . . all names and places are identified and explained in my article entitled "Some of the People Some of the Time - a reader's guide". Take a look and let me know what you think.
Thank you for being a friend.
When it comes to spoofs, it is impossible to create on which is any more far fetched than some persons beliefs about reality! Therefore, anything you postulate may well be taken seriously on Gather. I make the mistake of using sarcasm or humor and setting off something unintended every so often.
That would be my vote! I'll admit that I've had to do some explaining on occasion but that I don't mind.