Drag Queens - a tongue-in-cheek observation

     Several years ago, around 30 to be more exact, I went to a club with a friend of mine who said this one was quite different.  Indeed she was right.  It was my only encounter with the soon-to-be open situation called a gay bar.  No, I am not gay and neither were any of us who went on this excursion but it was a journey to another side of life and I am glad I did not need to return there.  My first shock was going to the bathroom and seeing some of the "girls" in the less favorable lighting of the restroom where the freshly shaved faces showed a pattern of beard that was only a little while ago a five-o'clock-shadow on the guy now sharing my restroom.  And, they made no attempt to make their voices less masculine as well as not trying to look really feminine.  It made a small impression on my newly-graduated college mind but I just noted in passing.     

I went on to teach in public schools and from the 1980s to the late 1990s I worked in a high school where one of the things done during the homecoming football celebrations was the annual homecoming "queen" contest open only to guys.  These were usually not the football players who were occupied otherwise in preparations for this week of events but the guys whose masculinity allowed them to make fun of themselves.  Some of the cheerleaders helped with make-up and wigs so the "queen" contestants did occasionally look feminine enough to compete.  Being a plus-size person, the smaller guys often borrowed clothing to use for the event from us larger ladies.  But every one of these guys went totally overboard on their "cross-over" personalities - huge breasts made of balloons or other stuffing, red (RED) lipstick, blue eye shadow that would have scared anyone seeing them in a partially-lit alley and fishnet hose or elaborately lacey undies.  While we laughed at their antics and fun was had by all, I remembered the trip to the bar back in the 70s and saw that the guys had not improved in their use of female assimilation tactics.      

Well, now it is the 2000s and most men still have that "overdone" vision of being in drag so I was thinking that a school for drag queens might be appropriate.  There are chains of other kinds of services so the Southern Drag Shops could be a real franchise and might even be mistaken for something to do with dragsters.  Who knows?       

At Southern Drag Shops, there would be the various divisions of the level of passing as a woman well-defined.  The "play a trick on some guy by pretending to be a woman" division would have all of the latest in fashion, prosthetics (temporary additions that are lifelike) and natural wigs and make-up applications.  This would be the "Pageant" division in that they would easily pass for females and would have to involve the shorter, less husky man, of course.     

Next up would be the "Tacky" division for the guys who want to dress up and get down-and-dirty with the make-up and hair.  Here would be the pink and lavender wigs with dresses built to accommodate the 65"-80" bust line dresses for that appropriate trashy and some-what slutty appeal.  Dresses would be short to display the inappropriate and too-small fancy underwear that would accompany the aforementioned pastel wigs.  No doubt that these are men playing at being women - maybe I could get the "Hoggettes" of the Washington Redskins to help us in this division and be our spokespersons.  A whole new vista of franchising would open up.  We could do womanless weddings that would rival the real "woman-full" weddings...     

And lastly, the "Drag Extraordinaire" for the man who feels he is channeling Barbra, Joan Crawford, Celine, Marlena Dietrich, etc. with a line of custom-made gowns, character-appropriate wigs, make-up with finesse and believability as well as vocal training at our "before hours" technical facility.  Because of our efforts, a disclaimer might be necessary to disavow any connection to the real persons being parodied.  Our catch lines might be:  "this guy's in love..." or "dis-guise the limit" or "getting in touch with your feminine side - professionally!"       

There might even be a need for a female division who would teach women how to be trashy for their men after seeing what men think of as "out there."  Maybe Dolly Parton would write the training manuals for the course because she loves the big hair and high heels and knows the kind of outfitting needed for that look to carry well. 

     And now for the kicker – today, you can own your own Southern Drag Shop for the minimal cost of the franchise and the training materials.  We would have you running your own business out of your garage and you could show “Steel Magnolias” 24/7 to set the mood for your franchise for the unbelievable price of...