Beyond Tolerance

        As a single Mother, I felt very fortunate in the quality of childcare providers that looked after my daughter while I worked to pay the bills. When she was young, I intentionally sought out people who had a nurturing and openhearted feel to them, believing that was the best sort of person to care for my precious two year old. I looked for people who felt like they would love and care for her as devotedly as I would; enabling me to go off to work as free from worry as possible.

        Amy was just such a babysitter, a real find. She had the fortune to be able to stay home and care for her 2 children while her husband worked. One of her children, Susie, was the same age as my daughter Alexa. Our girls shared many hours of play and fun together. Alexa was affectionately included as part of the family while she was in Amy's care. She also participated in some of their family outings, as I sometimes worked weekends. My daughter was 2 when she began going to their house for childcare. She benefited enormously from this situation. Amy and her family provided an excellent model of a more complete family, as opposed to the one-parent family Alexa was born into. I felt immensely grateful for the loving care given to her, as well as the opportunity for her to experience a complete family.

        There were some differences between Amy's way of looking at the world and mine. I attempted to raise Alexa with as few bodily inhibitions as possible. I loved her innocence and lack of inhibition. I wanted to allow and encourage those qualities in her as long as I could. I knew that society would soon impose its own modesty restrictions. So we celebrated the beauty of our bodies together and sometimes danced naked through the house after our shower. Amy's family practiced much more modesty in their dress and undress. Though her children were only 2 and 5, because they were of the opposite gender they soon learned to change clothes apart from each other. Occasionally, after getting out of the pool, Alexa peeled off her bathing suit in their living room to change back into her clothes. Amidst the shocked reactions of her children, Amy would gently remind Alexa that in their house the rule was to change clothes in the bathroom. She would also remind her children that yes, everyone has a body, and there was no reason to freak out. The different attitudes Amy and I had about modesty provided me with an opportunity to bring up the concept of diversity and "different rules for different families" with Alexa, beginning to prepare her for the amazingly diverse world beyond our home.

        Another disparity between us was that Amy's family were devout Christians. They attended church every Sunday morning as well as every Wednesday night. At that stage in my life I was just beginning to feel a sense of cohesiveness regarding my own spiritual beliefs. My parents did not raise me with any specific religion or belief system. Although my maternal grandmother exposed me to Presbyterianism and Mormonism, I rarely attended church during my childhood, and even more infrequently as an adult. As a result my life did not include much spirituality until I was older. As soon as I began my own explorations, I became dismayed at the intolerance I found in most religions.  The basic "we are right and all other beliefs are wrong" attitude greatly disturbed me. I decided to avoid religions and churches and concentrate on what felt right for me. I found that the beliefs that called to my soul included a reverence for nature, like American Indian influences. Great Spirit and Grandmother Moon figured prominently. The Goddess also found her way into my beliefs, as I discovered my own need for more of a feminine spiritual perspective. I presented all this to my daughter in a rather non-orderly fashion, as I was still in the process of putting it together myself. As a result, we both prayed to Goddess and Great Spirit before meals. We had conversations about how Great Spirit took care of us all and was a part of everything. We marveled at the phases and beauty of Grandmother Moon; how sometimes she lit up the sky so brightly that there were moon shadows. On our walks in the hills we became easily waylaid by the magic of nature; a spider web covered in droplets of dew, the reflection of the pink sunset in the mud puddle on the trail. Nature became our church. I was surprised to discover at some point that I fit the description of a pagan. More important than the label, it felt right for me, and Alexa followed my lead in the way most children imitate their parents.

        At Amy's house my daughter absorbed some Christian beliefs by imitating them. They didn't preach to her, but Christianity came up in daily conversation. Bible stories were sometimes read to the children and Christian music was usually the music of choice. I made sure to avoid the need for childcare on Sunday mornings or Wednesday evenings, after once attending their church and getting a feel for the style of spirituality offered. I found a lack of tolerance for other beliefs; the same situation I had found in most religions. Amy and her family, however, were always very respectful of the difference in our beliefs. They never tried to push Christianity on either of us, a fact I so appreciated. After about a year of childcare at Amy's house, I noticed that at our dinner table sometimes I would be thanking Great Spirit and Alexa would thank God or Jesus. I didn't object. When she was old enough to grasp the concepts, I had planned on teaching her a bit about each various religion, anyway. Amy and her family were an example of the Christian religion, so I would not have to teach her about that one when the time came. My intent was to help her decide whether my choice of a loosely structured church in nature was what she wanted, or if she would feel the call of something different.

        So despite the different viewpoints held by Amy's house and mine, all went well with our interactions for over 2 years. Our two families coexisted peacefully. I helped them meet their house payments and they took exceptional care of my daughter.

        Then one day, I picked Alexa up and upon arriving home she became tearful.

        "Susie said there is no Great Spirit, Mom, there's just God," she said, her voice wavering. She seemed to be seeking reassurance that she was right and Susie was wrong. I took her in my arms and told her

        "Of course there is a Great Spirit. People choose many different names for Great Spirit, and all of the names are completely okay. There's God, Jesus, Great Spirit, Allah, Jehovah, Christ, and lots of others. They are just different names for the same thing, Honey, and Susie chooses to say God," I reassured her. "This is like the different rules for different houses - people believe different things about Great Spirit, too."

        Alexa was calmed by my explanation, but I knew this was something I needed to discuss with Susie's mother. Over the years Amy and I had developed excellent communication lines about any difficulties that arose with our children. This subject was important to me. I felt the need for more tolerance on Susie's part, a difficult quality to expect of a 5 year old. I called Amy when we got home. Jumping right in, I broached the subject and repeated the conversation that had taken place between Alexa and I, including my reassurance to Alexa that there are many names for God and all of them are okay.

         "So that's what I tell Alexa about stuff like this...what do you tell your kids?"

        "Well, I don't tell them that...because I don't believe that. I don't believe that Great Spirit and God are the same thing...but I have told Susie that it's not nice to tell people they are wrong."

        My radar went off. ".... Because you believe we are wrong?" I asked the question carefully.

        "Well....yes. The Bible says that everyone will be given a chance to know God and to accept him. So we believe that everyone is given the chance to find Christianity," she explained. I considered that for a moment.

        "Okay...My interpretation of that would be...that God can be different things to different kinds of people, and how God manifests in each person's life depends on what they need him...or even her, to be." 

        "No, that's not what we believe. It means you will be given a chance to come over to the beliefs of Christianity. For example, there was this man in China who had a vision of Christ and he became a Christian because of that experience." Her reply was quick and quietly spoken.

        "But then if you believe that Christianity is the only right religion and all others are wrong, how can there be so many millions of wrong people?"

        "Well that's why we do our missionary work, to bring people to Christianity, so when they die they can go to heaven," she replied simply.

        "Hmmm...Okay. So theoretically let's say there is this man who is a Buddhist. He has lived his life full of love for other people, helping them, giving, being of service and practicing devoted spirituality. You're saying that because he is not a Christian he is going to Hell?" My tone was incredulous.

        Amy did indeed assert that the hypothetical Buddhist man would be going to Hell. I found I could not accept the idea that there was only one religion that must be followed or Hell was your eventual destination, no matter how virtuous a life you had led. Why, then, would Great Spirit create such marvelously astonishing diversity in this world if only to eventually squeeze us all into one mold? Amy was careful to explain to me that she did not let her beliefs affect her friendships and would never think of tactlessly telling her non-Christian friends that she believed they were wrong. Her children were too young to have learned those subtle levels of tact however, and were more likely to openly label beliefs different from their own. We both respected each other's right to believe what we chose and there seemed no point in delving too deeply into a theological discussion, as we were both pretty fixed in our ideas.

         I could not fail to notice one important difference between us, though. Amy respected people's right to choose, but believed that all spiritual choices other than her religion were wrong. My beliefs allowed everyone space for the whole range of different spiritual choices without labeling them wrong. I would never have considered teaching my daughter that other people who did not share our Church in Nature beliefs were wrong. The only religions I had found that I had no tolerance for were religions that advocated harming others. But just about all religions agreed that hurting people was not okay. On the other hand I knew that in world history, more people had died in religious wars than any other kind. So why was hurting people okay just because they chose different spiritual beliefs? That made about as much sense to me as, say, deciding that all people who wore purple coats were wrong because they would not wear a green coat. And even though their purple one kept them just as warm as a green coat, they were judged as wrong and fought against. My mind whirled.

        Hanging up the phone, I found myself considering a very important question. Did I want really my daughter in an environment where she was thought of as wrong? Because even if it was never spoken I suspected it would have an effect on her in other subtle ways. For me, being around people who I knew believed my spiritual beliefs to be wrong was not a big deal because I knew that I had found my path.  I had found what worked for me. I also had the maturity and self-confidence that comes with age and experience.  I thought it was a bit soon, however for my 4-year-old daughter to be challenged in such a manner on a regular basis.

        After a lot of consideration, I made the painful decision to find an environment that was more tolerant and did not label Alexa as right or wrong with regards to her spiritual beliefs. That was a very tough decision. Since my daughter was so young, still in the stage where she was learning by imitation, I did not want to take the chance that she would learn intolerance. I was sad that a long friendship between 2 wonderful girls would be disrupted. I was sad that Alexa would no longer have the nurturing, loving care of Amy and her family. I was sad most of all about the apparent need I saw in them to label spiritual choices different from their own as wrong.

        Eight years have passed since then. My daughter is now 12. Amy and I are still friends; we live in a small town. She was, and still is, a considerate, loving woman. We see each other fairly often because our daughters attend the same charter school.  And now, the issue that was so important to me 8 years ago seems relevant again today from a larger, global perspective.

        Reflecting on the state of the world, I thought about tolerance, and the memory of Alexa's time at Amy's house resurfaced. I realized that as a direct result of that experience, one of the cornerstones of my then-evolving spiritual beliefs became tolerance. I accepted that there are many different and equally valid paths to God and enlightenment. Some people revere simplicity and find God in nature; others believe God is in the church. Others embrace silence and meditation as the path to their higher power. Still others advocate chanting as a way of connecting to God.  Though there are distinct differences, I believe there are more ways that religions are alike. Perhaps if our focus was on the similarities instead of the differences, we would discover tolerance, and less conflict and judgment would arise. The American Heritage Dictionary definition of tolerance is, "The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others." Tolerance would be a good first step, making room for everyone's right to choose. Yet my fervent wish for this world is for us all to find a way to go beyond the recognition and respect of tolerance and into embracing. Fascination takes hold of me when I delve into the variety of religions and spiritual practices that exist in this world.

        Imagine if we could learn to openly embrace other's right to believe whatever they chose, and like children be eager to learn the particulars of other people's spiritual beliefs, in the manner of a tourist who is captivated with the culture of a new country they are visiting. We could look upon those explorations as an adventure full of excitement and wonder. Imagine a world where instead of judging others spiritual choices, we were fascinated with them. Imagine every religious leader, when questioned about beliefs different from their own replying, "There are many spiritual paths. I practice and teach this one, but it is not the only one, nor is it necessarily the best one for you. Explore the different paths and then listen to your heart. Each person must choose the path that calls to him or her. Your heart will help you decide. And remember to respect and embrace the paths chosen by others, too...because spiritual enlightenment can be found in many ways."

        Goddess and Great Spirit, please help us find the way.