The Spitzer, Craig, Vittner and (Bill) Clinton 'sex scandals' seem to brightly illuminate one truth. Plenty of married people cheat on each other. Go to any community in the country and you will find exactly the same behaviors. Ask any man why women haven't been caught in these political hailstorms and they, often with a twinge of envy, explain the obvious. No matter what size, shape, age or socio-economic level we hold, women don't seem to need to pay for sex. Plenty of willing gentlemen provide services free of charge, even when we are old ladies. Granted viagra may have a part in this lately, but any doctor will tell you that elderly women so often share the same partner that the US is experiencing an epidemic of STDs in retirement communities. Not to bash old people (after all, sex is a healthy workout and can be easy on the knees) but are we such a sexed-up nation that we behave like juveniles to the exclusion of other important human endeavors? Imagine what some of these men might have accomplished if they weren't so busy... doing what they were doing.
Spitzer's purported temper tantrums should have been an indication that he had impulse control problems, but banging hookers as an $80,000 hobby? Heck, with that same money he could have funded eighty $1000 scholarships for inner city kids. That might not have produced the same notoriety, but it would certainly have kept some of those kids out of the legal system later on. It does make one wonder exactly what made some of these men seem to be presidential material. When I read that many thought Spitzer had been on his way to the White House, I had to ask why?
Truthfully, I don't care who's sleeping with whom, but I do care about commitments being broken and cheating, lying and stealing. It might be a surprise to many men, but it is women who become sexually bored much more easily than they do. This may be one reason married men complain so much about the lack of quantity and there are so many depictions of wives 'tolerating' sexual activity from their husbands. Hey, I don't make these things up. This is common culture. There are all kinds of jokes about how to figure out how much sex to expect in marriage.
For those of you with math skills, here's the formula:Who said you'll never use that algebra, huh?
X = number of times you had sex in your first year of marriageOr simply, X divided by Y = Z
Y = number of years anticipated that you will be married to each other
Z = number of times a year you can expect to have sex after the first year
Did I mention I have a long-term marriage with the same man? I obviously know him much better than I did when we got married, but I adore him anyway. However, although I expect he'll always find other women attractive, I don't think they can compete with me. Why? First of all, I would notice $80,000 missing from our investments. Secondly, because not only did I have his children, but we have become our own sort of family. I cannot imagine my life without him or his many idiosyncracies, great personal qualities and kindnesses. I also doubt he would ever find another nutcake like me, and I seem to be his type. We don't look alike yet, but we are synchronized in so many ways it is almost appalling. We even have a secret language that involves him looking at me, or more accurately staring me down, which indicates he wants to leave a party because he is bored to death. (I never want to leave as a rule, but then opposites attract.)
The kids call us" Lucy and Desi", but I am not sure that is really fair. My hair isn't as red as it used to be thanks to L'Oreal. Would I be hurt if he cheated on me? Actually, I would be astonished and feel betrayed. Why? When he asked me to marry him, I made it clear we had to agree that it would mean him giving up all those 'other' women. When he (foolishly) replied that they didn't matter to him because he loved me, I then admitted that I recognized I would also be committing to giving up all those 'other' men. His response was sort of adorable.
"What other men?" He had a shocked look on his face which quickly turned to suspicion.
My answer was, "All of them."
He got my point. It wasn't just his sacrifice. After all, I have always been fascinated by men, young or old. They are different and eventually so muscle-bound, hairy, macho and arrogantly confident, what's not to like? Okay, so perhaps that's just my type, but you know what I mean. Who doesn't love a man with a three-syllable vocabulary and clean fingernails?:)
Okay, so I could go into more detail, but I don't want women trolling for my husband, now, do I? It's safer if I don't tell you how wonderful he really is but rather imply that he's merely adequate.
"Stop telling your girlfriends how great your husband is if you want to keep him," a very old and sage woman once advised me.
Anyway, I think prostitution should be legalized (nationally) for many, many reasons. If people paid with a credit card or had to sign in, it would all be public record. This would help control STDs and those who take advantage of a trusting wife or partner. Age limits could be instituted, women protected from murderers/abusers, medical treatment and prevention of STDs could be diligently practiced, licenses issued, etc. It might also cut down on underage sexual exploitation. Girls and boys are not just 'sold' in foreign countries. Is there anything more disgusting than 12 and 14 year olds being offered at truckstops or on street corners? Of course there isn't, but as we have few ways currently of protecting these children, legalized prostitution would be one way to draw customers into a structured, medically-sound environment.
Legalization won't be a simple thing to institute with the rightwing neocons and the religious fundamentalists in this country, but as a descendant of Puritans, I have given the legalization issue some long, hard thought. Just as I would suggest a man not be allowed to buy paint without a note from his wife? I would also require the same for a married man who wanted to visit a prostitute. This way the wife could negotiate with her straying hubby for the benefit of all parties. It might be merely to go to church with her on Sunday or for some new granite countertops, but at least it would be an honest relationship. The wife could also elect to curtail her sexual relationship with her husband, and hence the potential contraction of a serious disease. Had I been Spitzer's wife, the second call I made - the first would be to my attorney - would have been to my doctor.
Of course, this is a serious subject and my tongue-in-cheek approach might not be incredibly appropriate. I really don't care what somebody else does for recreation and a 22-year-old does make her own choices when she becomes a call girl, which is none of my business. I make no real moral judgments unless there is an aggrieved party who has been deceived. Open marriage, open relationships? Those work for some people, and I don't have a problem with that either. I wll never be part of one, but then I admit I am amazingly territorial. Luckily, so is my husband.
So what punishment does an affair or a dalliance with a pro require, whether one becomes obsessed or merely recreational on occasion? That's entirely up to the couple, although I don't think I want a lying, cheating sneak representing my interests in the public sector. Sorry, but that's where I draw the line in the sand. Just my take. What's yours?
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Comments: 32
Never go out with married men or men who have a partner of any kind.
I agree, prostitution should be legalized, from a public health standpoint and safety standpoint. Prostitutes could be treated for STD's and tracked and they would get some degree of protection from those who prey and exploit these women (I'm referring to street-level here).
Dating a married man is a tricky proposition at best. At some point, one will have to realize that if a man chooses to be deceitful and duplicitous with one whom they took an oath with, that they have a much lesser reason for honoring any commitment to you. They lose all credibility at that point.
On the same token, some people like the fact that married people stepping outside the confnes of their marriage aren't looking for commitment,just a fling and the chances of your partner already being married, makes the prospect of the fidelity and commitment clause null and vod, which is what their looking for. Some people are simply looking for Mr./Ms. Right Now, they could care less about commitment.
Men are mesmerized by the power of the female genitalia and they've been paying for it for years. Spitzer isn't the first, nor will he be the last, he just wasn't the brightest.
If legalizing prostitution keeps women and girls from being sexually assaulted, it might be worthwhile. Cheating in marriage is not always sexual. There are many forms of betrayal.
I always say if you date a married man, he dumps his wife and marries you...you are the wife of a man who cheats on his wife. I've known women who did that...and watched him like a hawk...because they knew what his character was...dumb!
The man's view is important too, Richard. I guess one 'mistake' is easier to forgive.
Thanks for the comments, Stacey. We agree on many things. In other countries mistresses seem to be accepted a lot more easily than here, but again, I am a really territorial person, so I couldn't imagine dating a married guy. They do seem attractive when you're young, though, as they are not so 'needy' aka 'pushy'.:)
Jan, you are so right about betrayal in other forms. I guess the sexual thing is the only one that affects one's potential physical health, but people who funnel their emotions outside their marriage and/or their money also do terrible damage.
Oh, Ellie, do we know the same women?:)
But yeah, men are slaves to their other brain unless their right brain is fully in control and in sync with their heart. We women have no such problem; our biggest one is to keep our heart where it belongs and our head on top. In other words, gals: don't be a dreamer. Know your stuff. Who you are and who he is. Then you'll be fine.
People like Spitzer come from really messed up families with this bizarre madonna/whore thing.
We refer to that other brain as 'junior' around here. Women do get dreamy, though, and fantasize to the extreme in our own way. Women are perhaps guiltier of giving emotional loyalty to people outside the marriage, as it is easier to have a 'dream lover'. Great point. And thanks for the feature!
That ended with Gary Hart and Donna Rice in 1988.
Up until that point I had assumed it was a language thing. I still don't understand affairs except on an intellectual level. I hope it stays that way.:)
PS...I am so far from being a Puritan...or a right winger! Just a idealistic humanist, I guess. Just read that the Dali is still talking about non-violent conflict resolution. Another pie in the sky dreamer. Soa s the great John Lennon sang...
"You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one..."
You get the rest....Me and the Dali!!!!
Kathryn, I was a little disappointed in the headline -- it is not at all what I intended when I wrote my letter to the editor. This is not about forgiving Clinton or not forgiving Clinton for a sexual indiscretion. It's about holding people accountable for betraying the public trust, and about how quick we are to embrace celebrity over character.
Someone mentioned above about marrying a person they met who was cheating on a spouse. So it was for the guy who married my ex. He was quickly thrown to the curb after being relieved of most of his valuables. I wanted to tell him she was screwing around when you met her so what did you expect but we weren't exactly on speaking terms and I felt avenged in some small way. Her? I'll reserve comment other than I sure hope that Karma stuff is real.
Mike Allen offered his perspective on the Spitzer situation to CNN:
"The road back is you stay out of sight for awhile. You regroup. You reconnect with your family. You reconnect personally. You get back out and you do it. I have a very successful criminal defense practice now."
Celebrity, Lisa... it is so unique in our media-world with our penchant for 'personalities'.
Oh, Rex! You crack me up. I always feel that cheaters are the ones looking for the easy road... which ultimately ends up the hard road as far as I'm concerned. I loved your karma comment. I definitely believe in karma and loved the concept of 'your actions returned times seven', which seems to be a thread of sorts in all great philosophies.:)
But there's an unspoken assumption in this thread (maybe I'm misreading it?) that those who'd visit a legal prostitute would be married guys. What about single guys who aren't looking for a relationship, or for myriad reasons want a quickie and are willing to pay for it? If it's legal, as you postulated, the chances of exchanging STDs is reduced, and a host of problems arising from its illegality is eliminated.
It certainly was an interesting conversation you overheard with the sailors.