Bush Announces "WAR ON PREEMPTIVE...

Wrapped in an American flag toga, President Bush today announced a "New front on the fight against injustice in the world." Speaking from his Texas ranch flanked by Donald Rumsfield and Vice President Cheney, Bush unveiled his new strategy for " The War on Preemptive Strikes…"

" Many 'mericans have said Bush only has one stratergy, to stay the course, well I have more stratergies than that! Big stratergies, Powerful stratergies! And I thought of them before you said I didn't have any other stratergies." A crowd of 25 flag waving Loyalist from the next-door neighbors house cheered enthusiastically. " So it is that today we will begin The War on Preemptive Strikes!" The President was then loaded onto a white stallion and slowly led away.

Bush was unavailable for further comment as he claimed to be planning his war for "…a good part of the day." We were able to speak with Donald Rumsfield on the new war though. When asked what was the catalyst for The War on Preemptive Strike or Operation If It's Yellow, Leave it Mellow, If It's Brown, Flush It Down, Rumsfield said " It's hard to know what we know because you don't know so we just make up stuff. One thing we know is that 9-11 may have been a preemptive strike. Also nuclear buildup in Iran and Korea is a sure sign of a preemptive strike in progress. For the safety of American values we must pre-preemptively strike these nations."

Condelessa Rice also spoke on the new war. " We must stamp out the ability of any country that has offensive weapons to use them, they are a real and imminent threat. When I traveled to these countries and told their leaders of our new war they became agitated. I believe that offensive weapons in the hands of emotionally unstable leaders is a threat bigger than our own civil war." When Rice was asked how we could wage war on an idea she said " We are also watching the dictionaries very closely through Homeland security, if preemptive strike makes it in, we will be force to attack the publishers to defend American values born from the Republican win of our own civil war."

Dick Cheney was aloof but did toss a few sound bites to reporters that we will print without question, commentary or fact checking. "There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and Iraq was aligned with Osama Bin Laden and yes Haliburton will get the contracts."

The administration has also released new guidelines for Americans, "Just keep your hands where we can see them and no sudden moves."