Stank Star Gazing!

Each of the past 23 years I’ve headed over to Tybee Island, Georgia for a few days of summer beach bummage. I love the ocean, the sounds, the smells, the truth is most everything about it is Elvis-like to me. I also love the idea of getting out of my regular day-to-day routine and becoming a certifiable beach bum.

There’s something about getting up whenever I want to, throwing on a swimsuit, shades, and a funky hat that viscerally appeals to me. Add in the fact that I have a nice canopy that I lay up under all day, and alongside of me under said canopy is a huge cooler packed with frosty adult beverages, and y’all should readily understand the appeal. Being an old man who’s warm, unscheduled, happy, and drunk for a few days each year is a goal always worth aspiring towards, and this past week was no exception – not only did I again attain my dream, but I also helped two young men learn a bit more about this thing we call life.

The two young men just referenced are my son-in-law Dave, and my namesake son Will (ELW4). We’d just gotten our canopy set up on the beach this past Saturday morning, and were beginning to enjoy an unrestricted view of the waves, the seagulls, and the shrimp boats. A very beautiful, tranquil display. The only problem was, after only about ten minutes of surf-induced enjoyment four women walked right into our line of vision. And that’s where our problems began.

The first one who walked up had to be in her sixties. She had mega bleached out blonde hair, a nondescript face, and boobs that were saggish but not too horrible. She appeared to be kinda lopsided, though, as she had no azz and I wondered if she would be able to support her boobage without falling over due to the lack of ballast from the rear. I couldn’t pay more attention to her boobage/azz stabilization potential though, as soon her daughter walked by, and she’s the focus of our epistle today.

Said daughter appeared to be in her mid-to-late thirties, and she was hard not to notice. She had long, dark black hair, hair that cascaded halfway down her back. She was kinda pretty, but even with all that going for her all I could focus on was her very brief bikini. To say she was wearing three postage stamps worth of cloth is not a stretch of the truth, but what was stretching those postage stamps instantly got my attention. She looked like she had two about to be launched bazookas prowling around up under her top, they were pointing outwards as straight as a diving board. On the other hand, her heiny was a tad ample and displayed a decent amount of droopage. My son Will immediately leaned over and whispered,

“Dad, double implants on top, her ass and boobs are pointing in two different directions.”

I smiled and nodded approval, proud that my boy is proving to be so astute at such a young age. And, y’all have to admit, the directional gravitational pointation thing makes a lot of sense if you give it thoughtful consideration.

Back to our story – the two remaining young women in the group appeared to be the daughters/granddaughters of the two women just mentioned. And the true reason we happened to notice them at all was the fact that even though the beach had plenty of space available, these ladies started setting up camp ten feet in front of us!

Dave immediately got indignant. “Dadman, with all this space on the beach why in the hell are they parking their butts here, why wouldn’t they go someplace else where they could have more privacy and where we could keep our view?” I really didn’t have an answer for him, so the three of us just sat there and watched these four women unfurl loungers, coolers, towels, a radio, and all sorts of other “stay all day at the beach” type items.

Once they finished and had it all laid out, the most interesting thing happened. The frizzled fried haired older blonde lady left and started walking down the beach. The two younger kids ran out to the water and started playing. So that left the dark haired, twin bazooka-ed one, the one wearing the thrice-d postage stamp bikini. And what she did from this point on definitely got our collective attentions.

How? First, she bent way over straightaway and stretched, ten feet right in front of us. The three of us could see her cleavage all the way to Bangor and back, and the damndest thing was, she stood back up and then leaned over again. Then she did it one more time on top of that! It was like watching one of those mechanical birds that leans over into a cup of water, sips, bobs back up, and then does it all over again.

I wish I could say that Dave, Will, and I were chivalrous and looked in another direction, but the truth is only Dave and Will did. As for me, I figured, hey, if some lady wants to bend over ten feet in front of me and give me multiple looks at her boobalas, hey, who am I to argue? I settled in and watched her as intently as I would an Elvis concert. She didn’t disappoint, in fact, she put on even more of a show when I did! She then proceeded to turn around and bent all the way over so that her heiny was fully displayed, in fact, her bikini bottom was so tiny that her puckered brown eye might well have been winking at me, because I could see it pretty damn clearly.

Dave and Will kinda tuned back in at this serving of heiny cake, and we kept watching. She’d lay down on her lounger with it laid out flatly so that we could all see right down her top. Then, after about five or so minutes of that, she’d get up and walk down to the beach. After five or so minutes in the water she’d come right back and start bending over for us all over again. At one point, when she was broke over like a 12 gauge shotgun, Will muttered, “Dad, she damn sure wants us to gaze at that stank star, don’t she?”

“Stank star, son?”

“Sure dad, that’s what we call it now. Brown eye is a bit dated, you write so you need to be current with your terms and all.” I told him how much I appreciated his input, and we all went back to stank star gazing. And man, did this lady give us plenty to gaze at. She basically spent the rest of the day stretching and dipping around in front of us. It didn’t take long for the three of us to realize that she wasn’t there for the beach, she was there to be seen. To be looked at. Maybe to be lusted after, I don’t know. What I do know is that it taught two young men a thing or two about life, especially as it regards what people do versus what they try to represent themselves as doing. That’s always a valuable lesson to be learned there, especially for two young men with a lot more life in front of them.

There was also a valuable lesson to be learned for a rapidly aging Juliette, Georgia boy as well. You can get a really bad headache after a day’s worth of trying not to openly gawk at someone when stank star gazing is involved! Advil will be in my beach supplies bag next year fer sure!