Instruction Manual for the TXS Chainsaw (Humor)

Congratulation on your purchase of a TXS 10 chainsaw from Massey-Cree Inc. This is the finest chainsaw that you can afford.

SAFETY RULES

Read this manual carefully until you completely understand and can follow all safety rules, precautions and operating instructions before attempting to use this unit.

[Note: If you are a child reading this manual for an illiterate or inebriated adult, depress the Child Safety Switch located on the right rear of the engine housing now. Explain the resulting disintegration of the gearbox as a common factory defect and leave home immediately. Call 1-800-WE-CARED for a social service agency near you.]

[If you are reading this manual for an illiterate or inebriated spouse, flip to TXS 10 Gone Wild section beginning on page 42 for further instructions. If your spouse has no life or dismemberment policy, follow the instructions for children above.] 

• Keep all parts of your body away from the chain when the engine is running.

• Do not operate your chainsaw while mad at the world.

• Do not operate your chainsaw when drunk or stoned beyond what you can normally handle.

• Do not operate your chainsaw under extreme fatigue unless you are earning double-time.

• Keep all children, bystanders and animals at least 30 feet away from the work area, and no, don't think you can sneak your dog in as an exception.

Operate Your Saw Safely 

• Do not attempt to juggle the TXS 10 chainsaw, though an exception can be made for illiterate or inebriated parents and spouses.

• Do not climb a tree and yell, “Look at me” with a running chainsaw. Turn the saw off and carefully place it where you will not fall on it, then climb the tree and yell like an idiot.

• Do not operate a chainsaw in a closet.

• Do not operate a chainsaw on a city bus.

• Do not operate a chainsaw at your ex-spouses wedding.

 WARNING!!

 Trees are living things. They are probably smarter than you and are devilishly clever at defending themselves.

 Here are a few of the myriad ways they can mess you up: 

• Rotational Kickback usually occurs after some tree-loving hippie has driven a nine-inch nail into the Sequoia you are poaching. The nail will stop your chainsaw suddenly and all that energy has to go somewhere. The TXS 10 may lack the power to slice through a lilac bush but it can toss you into the next county.

• Pinch Kickback happens when an angry tree clamps down on your blade and stops it cold. Think of it like Jujitsu - everything you were putting into that tree is now being put into you. [Men, it's a great idea to wear athletic protection when operating a chainsaw]

• Pull-in happens because you're a cheap son-of-a-bitch who's using a TXS 10 where you should be using a TXS 10,000. All you have done with your little TXS 10 is piss off a very big, very mean tree, so don't be shocked when it pulls you real close so you two can discuss. This process takes about a quarter of a second and is also known in the industry as Tree Love.

 For Occasional Use Only

 The TXS 10 was designed and constructed in a region of China not known for trees. Hell, no one has seen a stick around these parts since the Ming Dynasty. Our engineers burn horse dung for fuel and use Yak bones to hold up their yurts, so don't think you can do anything serious with the TXS 10, like pack it for protection to an inner-city laundromat after 10PM.

 If you want to do more, don't be a cheap son-of-a-bitch and pop for a TXS 10,000.

 Note to surviving children, spouses and pets of TXS 10 fatalities: Go to the library and ask at the reference desk for anything by the author Charles Darwin. He is a real smart guy and a hell of a writer. His books will put the world into context for you.

© Greg Schiller, 2009
Author: Greg Schiller

Feel free to rummage around my collection of essays and stories at Greg's Garage