Cleaning for Real People
A clean and orderly environment is the birthright of every child. So, for that matter, is a nanny, but they aren’t going to get either one of them from you. Life is hard, so don’t sweat the small stuff. Try to remember that the health department is overworked; it could be weeks before they get to you.
There are a few minimum standards you should try to meet.
1) You should be able to find your children.
2) The cat should definitely be able to find the cat box!
Other than that, just apply these simple guidelines:
- If you can’t find the cat box, it doesn’t need cleaning.
- Always remove your glasses before starting housework. This will save both time and energy. If necessary, insist that your guests remove theirs at the door.
- If it doesn’t fit in the vacuum cleaner, it’s not dirt.
- Scraping dishes is your dog’s job.
- Cleanliness is next to nothing in the mind of a teenage boy.
- If God wanted us to see the inside of the refrigerator, he would have given it windows.
- If God wanted you to do windows, he would have made you Bill Gates.
- If God wanted you to fold clothes He wouldn’t have invented plastic tubs.
- If you wear your dirty clothes to the car wash you can kill 3 birds with one stone.
Children:
Insist that your child’s room have a path cleared to the bed. This is so that in case of fire you can rush to your child, awaken him or her and shout “How many times have I told you never to butter the toast before putting it in the toaster?”
Children may never clean their rooms, but they may eventually learn to clean other things. Your bank account comes to mind.
No child should be asked to clean a refrigerator until they are old enough to grasp the Germ Theory of Disease.
To persuade a teenager to clean the fridge, try this:
Wait until their first boyfriend/girlfriend/other comes for a meal. When your young guest opens the refrigerator and begins trolling, begin the following spiel in brisk but cheerful tones.
“Now dear, I don’t know if you remember that if the bread is moldy, it means ergot, which can be very dangerous, especially if you’re pregnant, though the penicillin is useful if you think you might have an STD. Moldy jelly is no problem at all, just scrape it off into the sink. I always think moldy cheese is so interesting, don’t you? but if the meat is moldy it really must be thrown out. Please just set it there on the counter next to the crab salad we’re having for lunch tomorrow, there’s a good girl...”
The simplest way to keep a child clean before school is to have them eat in the shower. No paper plates, please.
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Comments: 42
Why? They are better left unseen AND unheard, coincidentally.
I stand corrected.
Now about this cleaning. I like your approach, except for the cleaning part. Good tip about the health department. (Oh, that reminds me, those wet towels have been in the machine quite long enough... I hope they're still wet.)
If you don't mop the floor, those marks won't bother you.
I mean, of course, people who are exactly like me. What did you think I meant?
It's been many years since I folded my underwear, tee shirts included. I did a study on the relative volume occupied by folded and unfolded underwear and discovered that it was close enough to equal that folding didn't help me get any more in the dresser drawer. Ever since I've poured it in and tamped it down.
I've found that attaching a small snow shovel blade to the front of the vacuum cleaner is a great way to create paths to the child's bed. Also, it keeps you from sucking up Polly Pocket doll shoes.
I'm a clutter freak with OCD, which means I can never find anything and I'm always stressing about it. Everything is clean, but it's wretchedly disorganized. I can't imagine how bad things would be if I had children. That sentence doesn't just apply to cleaning, by the way.
My friend comes over sometimes when I'm in bad shape and does my laundry. I hate to have her put it away because she dumps out my whole underwear drawer and folds everything like a store. I've told her she doesn't have to do that and she said to shut up it makes her happy.
Now I know I'm not so bad.
Sharon, anyone who is made happy by organizing an underwear drawer needs clinical treatment.
I'm not even going to go into how she does quarter folds on the towels and the artful arrangement of hand towels in a wire basket.
I do artful arrangements of hand towels, if you consider wads artful.
Seriously, I married him because he is an excellent cook AND he puts the toilet seat down!!!
As for the refrigerator, there are a few things that I find mysterious. Take yogurt, for instance: Don't those people in the mountainous regions of the former USSR pretty much live on the stuff? Have you ever seen a refrigerator in their yurt? I'm fairly certain that it's called a yurt because that's where the yogurt is supposed to be kept... and without benefit of any appliances that require modern conveniences that won't be available for decades (like electricity.) So why is it that I can't get through a collection of 6 individual yogurt containers before they pass the "best if used by" date on the carton? Unlike the Lower Elbonians, I do have a refrigerator! But a few weeks and it becomes a personal choice between wasting yet another portion of food that Africans would kill for, and possible self-inflicted death by diarrhea. It seems really unfair.
No wonder she thought I was a slattern.
"Susan does her composting on the kitchen floor"
When her ashes came back from the crematorium we tried to decide whether to buy and urn, bury them or just dump them behind the washer with everything else. Hey, she would have wanted it that way!
My sister-in-law keeps a squeegee in the shower so you can squeegee the glass door on your way out.
Mind you, I suspect there is a happy medium between her actions and your Mum's!
You get the "Spew my coffee" award this morning!