How to Be a Mental Patient: Part One: Getting There

How to be a Mental Patient
A Guide for the Amateur Only


Introduction:

Etiquette, we know, is important, and help is available at any book store or newsstand. 

But will be useful?  In my opinion, far too much etiquette advice addresses questions that most of us are unlikely to face.  Better to know the correct form for addressing the booking Sargent than the Queen of England.  Far better to know which lawyer than which fork.  Speeches made to the Kiwanis are less important than your speech to the car jacker who wants your car (purse/ life/daughter/husband…).  In short, there is very little emphasis on those real life situations where etiquette is truly vital.

In the interests of breaching this gap, I offer a few tips on how to behave in the one place we all have a chance of visiting: the mental hospital.

Most people, of course, do not check into a psychiatric ward for rest and relaxation, though this is, of course, what your friends will be told...Most come, in fact, against their will.

More’s the pity;I believe that this narrow approach to modern mental health facilities is misguided. In fact, whenever I’m looking for a clean, affordable, and really interesting place to spend my next vacation I always think: Mental Hospital. Being a mental patient is highly underrated; mental hospitals are fascinating. Lots of cool people are ex-mental patients; sometimes they check in on a regular basis, that’s how cool it is.  Approached correctly, these can be the best days of your life.

Don’t want to worry your loved ones?  Relax, your relatives will be delighted that an impartial jury (read; ‘doctor’) has designated you the crazy one.  They’ve always suspected it.

On the other hand, if you don’t wish to be treated like a psychotic imbecile for the rest of your life, lie to your family. Tell everyone you’re going to Majorca.. With the new HIPPA laws, no one, but no one, will know where you really are, (many mental patients themselves don’t  know where they are, at least until the drugs they slammed wear off).

Choosing a Mental Hospital:

If you are conscious, or otherwise have a choice, try to go to a large long-established mental hospital.  Mental wards in regular hospitals are cramped, confining and generally depressing.   Old, old mental hospitals are eerie, compelling and never boring.

Do your homework. Really run-down hospitals tend to be freer with controlled substances -  how else would they get any business?

Arriving:

People arrive at a mental hospital in a variety of ways. The most important question to ask yourself is - will it make a good story?  Mental patients should always bear in mind the importance of being an entertaining companion.  Witty repartee is valued here far more than during a State dinner at the White House.  And is far more likely to be reciprocated.

If you arrive in a police car, remember that you will get points for cuff marks on your wrists, so struggle.

If you arrive by ambulance, make sure you are either raving, bloody or unconscious.  Raving gets you the best drugs.

Admittance:

If you have not been committed, don’t worry, you can still come.  Here’s how:

To gain admittance to any mental hospital, all you have to do is say the magic words.  The magic words are: “I’m going to kill myself, and I have a plan”.  Repeat this to everyone you meet - everyone with set of keys, that is.  Those without keys are inmates, and will not find you particularly interesting unless you are already bleeding.

First, put yourself in the mood by doing the following:

1. Examine the breakdown of the Bush tax cuts.
2. Go to a department store changing room.  Take off all your clothes and examine yourself in the three-way mirror.
3. Root for the Cubs.


What to take with you:

If you are suicidal, leave at home your copy of Murder in the Cathedral, the works of Sylvia Plath, Mozart’s Requiem and your poster of Muchen ‘s The Scream.

If you are simply drying out, bring whatever you like, including the Bacardie 151 you have transferred to your aftershave bottle.  An empty Bay Rum bottle is a good choice.

Remember to offload both your meds and your weaponry before you hit the gate. Psych Hospitals are notoriously unclear on what is theirs and what is yours.  Your belongings, person and room will be methodically though ineffectively searched.  They won’t  give back what they find.

If you smoke, conceal several packs of cigarettes and a few lighters inside the cuffs of a heavy terrycloth robe.  Once in your room, these can be hidden in the hems of curtains, (feel free to unravel a bit of seam), or, in the case of lighters, stuck to the bottom of your desk or table with a bit of chewing gum.  Until you are given smoking privileges, you will have to smoke in the bathroom; stand on the toilet seat directly below the exhaust fan.  You will probably be caught, in which case you will lose your smoking privileges.  So you’ll have to do it again.

Narcotics must be similarly concealed.  Be aware that you will be subject to random drug testing.  Have a friend or family member bring you poppy-seed cake at regular intervals; this makes an excellent excuse for opiates in your UA .

Next time: The Ward, or Oh, The People You’ll Meet!