Coming Shortage of Sex Tricks

In the 20th Century, humans discovered sex. What people had done before that time is unclear, but scholars are studying the matter.

Writers created works of fiction on the topic, such as Kinsey's Sexual Behavior in the Human Male and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, and Masters and Johnson's Human Sexual Response.

Other writers created factual "how to" manuals such as Tropic of Cancer, Lady Chatterly's Lover, Candy, and Ulysses. However, some readers were disappointed. For example, couples waded through hundreds of pages of James Joyce's Ulysses looking for the "good parts." At the end, they read, "Yes, yes," and then wondered, "is that it? Is that all there is? Now what?"

We have moved into the recipe age. While magazines such as Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day and Bon Appetit offer food recipes, magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Glamour offer sex trick recipes.

(Men, don't feel left out. Magazines such as Playboy, Maxim, and Men's Healthh offer sex trick recipes for men.)

The problem is: how many ways are there to do it? For that matter, are they safe?

Consider this typical day at the Emergency Room.

Admitting Doctor to Ambulance Attendant: "Classification?"

Ambulance Attendant: "714625"

Doctor (looking on computer): "Ahh, let's see, that the Triple Reverse Switchback, Cosmopolitan Magazine, May 2007."

Sound of moans from patients in ambulance.

Doctor: "Did you try to separate them?"

Sound of terrified screams from patients in ambulance. "No, no, don't try to pull us apart again. It hurts too much!"

Attendant: "No, too dangerous. We decided to leave it for you guys. You have the proper equipment."

Several hours later:

Doctor to female patient: "We're releasing you to go home now. Did you read the note at the bottom of the article: Don't try this at home?"

Female patient: "Where were we supposed to try it? Work? The park? Anyway, what about Joe? I think that's his name, unless it's Ralph. I forget. Anyway, do you think he will be all right?"

Doctor: "We're pretty sure he will come to in a couple of hours. Do you want us to give you a call when we are ready to release him?"

Female patient: "No, I don't think so. I don't think he's a keeper. Thank you for your help."

Doctor: "Be careful now. Some of those magazine sex tricks are dangerous."

Dangerous or not, there's only so many ways that you can do it. Even after Cosmopolitan and Glamour keep their writers locked in rooms for hours with strict orders to dream up new sex tricks, they just end up banging their heads against the wall.

In fact, recent reports of pressure to "clean up sex trick magazine articles" to make supermarket displays less provocative are simply a desperate effort to hide a swelling scarcity of new sex tricks.