BEIJING. Confronted with a certified copy of her birth certificate by Chinese officials, Olympic silver medalist Dana Torres today admitted that she is not 41 years and that she added two years to her age under pressure from Bob Costas, the boyish NBC sports broadcaster.
Dana Torres: Will relinquish her silver medal and her subscription to Modern Maturity.
"NBC really pushed me to come up with a more compelling story line," Torres said as she fought back tears. "Somehow, 41 sounds a lot more dramatic than 39."
Costas: "I'm still more boyish than Dick Clark."
Costas was born in 1952 but is still "carded" when he tries to buy drinks for athletes in bars. "There's no way you're 21," said bouncer Xiang-Lee Xiao as Costas tried to order a Szechuan pork-infused martini at the Thousand Glorious Beer Nuts Bar and Grill. "Chinese girl gymnast look older than you."
"I am not underage if you use an abacus."
This year's Olympics have been marred by several age controversies, including claims that gold-medal winning gymnast He Kexin is only thirteen, three years below the minimum age of sixteen. "This is cultural prejudice," said Huang Jiansi, an offical at the Chinese Gymnastic Sports Management Centre. "If you add up her age using an abacus instead of a calculator, you get pretty much any number you want."
As for Torres, reporters who followed her career prior to her Olympic triumph confirmed that she is in fact 39. "I've known Dana since the late 1990's," said Ellen Walbert of Chlorinated Pool Management. "She's been 39 ever since I met her."
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Comments: 6
My dad, when he was about to turn 48, liked to tell people he was turning 50 specifically so they would tell him he didn't look *that* old. But then he also used to keep a "thank you for not smoking" sign prominently on his desk while he puffed on his cee-gars.
The preceding was irrelevant to your article. I am going off to get my own subscription to Chlorinated Pool Management now.