This week I have to drive to my hometown in Maine and attend a funeral. My former mother-in-law (my ex's mother) passed away this weekend. She was 79. She was very good to me throughout our years together and we'd stayed in touch in the many, many years since I divorced her son. She'd been to our home, met my husband, and joined our family for graduation parties. Her void will be felt by many. She was truly loved by all who knew her.
I'm not a fan of funerals, nor do I really know anyone who is; excepting perhaps the funeral director who stands only to gain from other people's demise. Funerals are sad. They're uncomfortable. They bring up feelings and issues most of us would rather ignore. And they evoke the strangest of conversations.
Some topics I have witnessed at funerals include some common social mishaps and some that are......let's just say not so common. They are:
1. Doesn't he/she look good? I've never quite understood this one. The dearly departed is lying on stuffed satin with hands folded in a most unnatural pose....usually dressed in something they'd have never worn while living. No, he/she DOESN'T look good. They're dead! Dead is not typically attractive.
2. At least he/she isn't suffering any more. This stands to reason, but probably shouldn't be brought up in front of the family members who ARE suffering.
3. The family splurged on the deluxe casket. Yes, I've heard this more than once. Those coming to pay their last respects actually have the nerve to verbally disrespect the bereaved by making mention of the cost of the casket. I once heard an elderly woman ask if the casket was a "loaner" or was it for keeps. Hmmmm.
4. Look at all these flowers. And to think....Mabel was allergic. Attention, folks. Mabel won't be bothered by the allergens. Mabel has left the building.
5. Who do you think paid for this? Sid didn't have any money! Sid didn't have any money because he scrimped and saved his entire life to send the funeral director's daughter to Harvard.
No, I'll be cautious of these conversation starters as I pay my ex-mother-in-law my respects. I'll gently kiss the cheeks of ex-brothers-in-law who probably stopped drinking just long enough to make it to the funeral home. And I'll make nice with all the folks who still think I'm my ex-husband's wife....although I've been happily remarried for 19 years. And I promise not to balk when the faux pas of funeral reception faux pas takes place....when Great Aunt Gladys packs up a week's worth of leftovers in the ziplock baggie she has stashed in her giant carpet bag. I swear. I'll stay perfectly silent!
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 44
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss.
I went to a funerl once where there was a knock-down drag out before the coffin left the funeral home between the the two youngest sisters over who was going to get some chair that was left behind.
Both girls went to jail and missed the rest of their mother's burial.
But your article is SO dead on ... (pun intended) ... very well done.
Those of us in the older and older generation are pretty much all sober. Thank heavens.
(Even though some of it was pretty funny - but don't tell anyone I said that.)
My mother's family is so large that if we were living in Italy during the middle-ages, we would be a national power. She has 12 brothers and sisters, and each one averaged 12. We had only 11 so her sister Marge had to make up for us.
When her mother died, the kids gathered across the street from the wake to play football. We had three games going full tilt and cousins still had to sit on the bench.
She would have loved it!!
This article has been highlighted on:
Gather Writing Essentials: Humor Monday Update 4/28
People have been calling me, as she doesn't remember when they call to express their condolences, and it is appalling how 'curious' they are about what he died of. How about old age? Does it really matter which organ shut down first?
My condolences on your ex-MIL. If you loved her I know she was a wonderful woman.
I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad she was such a blessing in your life.
My thoughts are with you as you endure this funeral. It sounds as though you have many fond memories of her.
You and your former mother-in-law were blessed to have each other. May all the beautiful times together fill--and overflow--the void in your heart.
My sister was a hospice nurse and she went with families to select caskets. Most of her clients were poor and she said funeral home directors were shameless in trying to sell high-priced caskets.
My mom is good friends with both of my brother's ex's. She said she didn't divorce them. Both of them have been at the house for holidays together. People think that's wierd, but everyone gets along. Plus, my mom was wise enough to know that the ex-DIL controlled something very important: the grandchildren! We've always been involved in both of their lives. The youngest one was a step-grandchild, but he was like 4 when he came in the family and 16 when he left.
It's hard to tell whether it's worse to deal with the insensitive things people say at a funeral, or the insensitive things they say when (per the wishes of the decedent) there is no funeral. Either way, it can be pretty awful.
take care...
Your in my thoughts and prayers.