10 Helpful Tips For Screwing Up Your Tax Return

It's Tax Time!!  Here are some helpful tips to save you time and stress, direct from my cousin Ricky who worked for Burger King as a cashier for eight months and is excellent with numbers!!

1.  Make sure to file on time.  Tax filing due date is this Tuesday, April 15th, unless you live in Guam.  If you live in Guam you can forget about filing completely because no one at the IRS can even find it on a map.

2.  Pay careful attention to the line on the Form 1040 that says "Presidential Election Campaign--Check here if you want $3 to go to this fund".    Do NOT check this box, it's totally ridiculous.  I know for a fact that presidential elections cost WAY more than $3.

3.  Line 6c: "Dependents".  Ricky says here is where you can really score big.  You can put down all your children and pets.  You can also put down people if they "depend" on you.  You're pretty dependable, right?  Think...there must be a few more people who you could claim.  That no-good friend who hit you for $5000 to start the bagel shop and then took off to Guam?  Get creative!  After all, your government is getting more creative all the time with new ways to blow your tax dollars, so fair is fair. 

4.  Line 35: "Domestic production activities deduction (Attach Form 8903)".  According to Ricky,  nobody at the IRS has the slightest inkling of what this means.  Fabulous!  I'd say deduct about ten grand, minimum.  And forget about the Form 8903, the lady at our local post office said she hasn't seen one in at least a decade and then it was at the bottom of a parakeet cage. 

5.  The Blueberry Jam Smear.  If you get to a line that's really causing you trouble, like the dreaded Line 43: "Taxable Income", just rub a generous dollop of dark jam onto the box to completely obscure it.  Remember, you can't do this if you e-file, it will just mess up your computer monitor and the keys will stick. 

6.  Line 44: "Tax".  Skip this box.

7.  Line 45: "Alternative Minimum Tax".  Skip this one too.  Congress is figuring this all out and it should be no problem, don't even think about it, they have the situation well in hand.

8.  "Your Signature".  Another good place for the Blueberry Jam technique.

9.  Where to File.  There are several different address for various IRS centers around the country, available on the IRS website.  Use them if you are due a refund, or if you are paying by check.  If you are paying in cash, please contact me directly and I will give you a special address where you can send the money.  You don't even have to bother sending the form.

10.  Consider filing for next year, now.  All you have to do is cross out 2007 on the top of the 1040 form and put in 2008, or any other year you like.  Take a wild guess at what to fill in the rest of the boxes but be sure to give yourself a generous refund on line 74a.  This line says, literally, "Amount of line 73 you want refunded to you".  I'd say that's kind of open to interpretation, wouldn't you?  Go for it!!  Time to get that Hummer H2 you've been dreaming about!

I hope these helpful hints will make your tax filing experience more pleasant.  Tax day should be fun, like that 3 hour periodontal appointment I had last Wednesday!

And remember, if you have any problems, you get audited, or if you are a government official, a CPA or an attorney, feel free to get in touch.  It's lovely this time of year in Guam.