The Anti-feminists guide to free food and activities

I am, at heart, a scam artist. All my friends will tell you so. I'm always thinking of great ways to cheat the system, but typically my underlying value system keeps me from following through. I typically announce things like...you know when they sell things "buy one get one free" ...all you really have to do is buy two of them, then return one without the receipt. Then you just got one free, and that's much more fun.

After statements like this my husband gives me a kind of startled look and I declare loudly and with conviction "I would never actually do it, but it would be really simple."

Maybe some other time I'll give you a whole list of scams, but for now let's focus on a legitimate way to get free things. Now, if you're a liberal militant feminist, (Which from now on will be abreviated LMF) you might as well quit reading now, you will just get all offended and unhappy and you will end up having to waste time doing something stupid to prove your own feminine independence, like checking your oil when you pump gas, or mowing your own lawn. Just avoid the potential threat to your own mental and emotional well-being, by not reading any furher.

Ok, with the assumption that all LMFs are safely changing their own flat tires somewhere now instead of reading this, here is my suggestion for free food and activities: Use men as coupons.

See, coupons are a perfectly legal way of getting things you want for less. Let's say you're bored and would like to go to a movie. You just call up John, your guy friend who has made it perfectly clear he's interested in you, but you would hate to get all emotionally tied up with. The phone conversation will go something like this...

You: Hi, is John there?

John: Oh, Cathy...I was hoping you might call sometime, I haven't seen you in so long.

You: That's so true, I was thinking we should hang out.

John: That'd be great, are you free tonight?

You: Well, I did have some plans this evening, but you know what, I've been wanting to spend some time with you so, forget my plans, let's go see a movie or something.
(Always say something partially complimentary in this conversation. It has to build his self-esteem just enough for him to be willing to fund your pseudo-date, but not enough that he will call you every day for a week afterwards.)

You: Anyway, I've really been wanting to see that ________ movie. It's showing at _________ time at the ________. Do you want to pick me up around 5:30 and we could get something to eat first.

John: I'd love to, see you then.

Now the hard part is done, your only further obligation is to dress up and be charming. Don't bring your purse with you, so there's no way you can pay. Of course you might want to leave a ten spot in your pocket just in case the guy's a creep, but a huge part of manipulating men into paying for your date is pre-assesing the man in question to make sure he's a good mark, umm, I mean gentleman. Anyway, enjoy your dinner and your movie, and when he walks you to your door instead of giving him a goodnight kiss say something like, "I had such a good time, I'm so lukcy to have a wonderful friend like you, John," The word friend will instantly tip him off to the fact that you are not interested in a romantic relationship. Now don't feel bad, he'll be a little dissapointed, but honestly not that surprised.

To be truly succesful at using men as coupons you should have at least five, and hopefully up to ten "friends." The coupons are typically redeemable once per "friend" per month. If the coupon begins to become ineffective it can easily be recharged by a night with drinks...perhaps you even pay for your own...as a show of good faith, where you say something to give him hope, such as "you know, the guys I date are nothing compared to you, and the more time we spend together the more I wonder if I'm not wasting my time with everyone else." If it's an extremely deseperate situation you could even kiss him at this point.

The next day, call him up, thank him for the wonderful night, tell him you hope you didn't say or do anything to make him uncomfortable, that alcohol just really messes you up. Then make the token friend comment and you should be set for at least another year's worth of free food and activities.

Now see, LMFs might imply this was somehow degrading to women, I would argue that actually it's degrading to men. Women should stop getting so hung up on proving that they have the identical strengths that men have, and should focus more on their differing strengths, i.e. charm, beauty and manipulation.