God's Illusion

This is an experiment.  I'm writing this during my break at work.  I will do minimal editing, so if you find errors, please don't complain to me about how I shouldn't be posting stuff with errors.  Maybe existence is an error.  Now, you see?  Maybe errors aren't so bad after all.

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This is true.  This is not made up.  

I read somewhere that maybe the Garden of Eden was swallowed up by water and that's how God hid it.  Gulp, gulp, gulp, right into the ocean.  Maybe there was massive land erosion and the mass of land slid down to Australia, becoming the great coral reef.

Maybe Eden is still being visited, but this time by divers and schools of fish.  The Bible says the tree of life was hidden and an angel with a flaming sword was put in place to guard it.  No one would think to look for flame underwater.

Like I said before, this is true.  This is not made up.  

There's this thing you need to know about truth.  And that is:  it's made up.

You hear a lot of people--conspiracy theoriest, crazies, alien lovers--say that the governments across the world are all put in place by the Illuminati or the Freemasons.  You can watch videos on YouTube that show government officials giving secret handshakes and gestures.  You look at the dollar bill and see the pyramid and read the latin and see the tiny owl and think, Maybe something is going on that I don't know about.

But those people, they're not really right.  The people in control aren't people at all.  They aren't aliens either.  The people in control aren't people.  What controls us is God.

I told my friend this--Chuck, we'll call him.  He laughed and said, "Of course, the whole religion thing.  Of course God is in control."

And I said, "No no, you don't understand.  God lies to us.  He controls us by making us think we know the truth."

When I was a kid I read those Bible stories.  I read about God's wrath and then about His love and His grace.  Everyone told me about Jesus and how he died on the cross for my sins.

But what if that's just what God wanted you to think.

So I'm making out with this girl and her legs are hairy something awful.  Everytime I skim my hand up from her ankles I feel these thin dangles of thread making my crotch go soft as pudding.  I stop licking on her neck and I tell her, "Did you know they invented razors when this country was founded?"

This girl, she pulls her bare chest off of mine and it squeaks like a peeling off a sticker.  She doesn't say anything, she just stares at me like I know what I did.

So I say, "Seriously, God intended you to be hairless.  That's why we invented the razor."

I say, "Do you think we ever would have thought that up if we were supposed to keep our hair?" 

She replies, "I don't see you shaving your legs."

I pull my pants up and show her my smooth shiny skin.  I undo my belt and pull my waist down a few inches and show her more smooth skin.  

I say, "We wouldn't have invented airplans if we weren't meant to fly."

God is just one big jokester.  He sets us up like it's some big contest and sees how fast we can learn.  But humans, we're slow learners.  A lot slower than God thought we were going to be.  So sometimes he pushes us on so that way we can innovate.

With my waist still pulled down, I say to this girl, "Do you think the bubonic plague was just an accident?"

I ask her, "Do you think AIDS just came out of nowhere?"

"Did cancer just appear out of the blue?"

God wants us to learn and we don't learn if there's nothing for us to overcome.  God won't just give us the answers.  He won't send a prophet down to write in some book about how we're all supposed to live our lives.

He does that to see if we're smart enough to overcome.

I found out all this because of the Garden of Eden, because I realized that we can't possibly know it all, so maybe there are some things that God was hiding from us, or that God was even making up.  

You won't read that in any Bible.  You won't find that in any prayer.

I exist because God chose me to be one of those crazies, on of those conspiracy theorist.  He chose me to nudge our evolution slowly forward.  The beauty of this is God knows very few will believe.  The truth is sometimes the hardest thing to put your faith in.  So God tells me to reveal this to the world and I do.  

I tell everyone the truth.  I tell everyone about this little illusion.  But just like Eden, I'll slide off somewhere to some unknown place and be forgotten, leaving my message of truth buried deep below the mud of disbelief.