Man survives baby shower

     This just in: There is no baby at a baby shower. Nor is there a shower. I know. I just went to one. Yes, a man at a most secret feminine ritual. I think I was invited because I'm a journalist of sorts, but maybe it was because I was the grandfather of Unborn Baby Philipp in whose honor the event was held.
     A baby shower celebrates the upcoming blessed event and provides the about-to-be mother with enough baby paraphernalia to provision a small orphanage. It's also an excuse to catch up on gossip, play giggly games, and eat girl food without anyone complaining, "Where's the beef?"
     This occasion is planned by women for women. The food table was lined with "tea sandwiches" arranged into smiley faces. For a group of twenty" take a can of non-endangered, low mercury, caught-on-a-hook-not-in-a-net tuna, mix it with chopped organic celery and canola mayonnaise, spread the mixture on a slice of bread with a whole grain rating of at least 32 and trim the crusts and cut into 800 slices, so everyone can have as many as they like and not have to use more than two fingers. Finish each slice with a parsley sprig, which signifies "This sandwichette was made by a card-carrying woman."
      There was also a cold salad made entirely from members of the Green Food Group including cauliflower, which is really bleached broccoli. As each man entered, he looked at the food table and broke out in a rash. Women like finger food; men like arm-and-leg food. Case in point: when was the last time you saw a six-foot deli sandwich named for a woman?
     There is liquor at a baby shower. Sort of. You can have white wine or a cosmopolitan, which is Kool-Aid with a splash of Vodka. Men prefer liquor, real liquor, the kind that takes the silver-plating off a spoon if you stir too long. But, we'll drink Sterno, if that's all that's available.
     If a man were the host, there would also be 800 food slices … of the pizza genre. Guests would bring their own beer. There would also be games, provided on a giant screen by ESPN.
     Once, baby showers were female-only, but today they're often held for the expectant couple. Sociologists say this is because men are more involved with the birthing process. Actually, it's part of a roping-in process, tricking men into helping care for the baby.
     Training the new father is the primary purpose of the couple shower, providing advice designed to magically morph the daddy-to-be from a sports couch potato into a mother's aide-de-camp. A relay team, consisting of every woman present, conducts the training. The tactics are to not allow the victim a mental breath or a chance to talk to any other men without a woman present; a technique the Sisterhood calls estrogen immersion.
     It's clear men are being forced to attend baby showers as a form of punishment, but the men are unclear for what they are being punished. Situation normal.
     A key function at ladies-only showers is game playing. No living male knows what's played on these occasions, because, if men are present, the games are put away in the closet where the hostess stores her feminine hygiene products. For all I know, the games involve male strippers, chug-a-lug competitions and body noise contests. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
      POP QUIZ: How many times in a woman's life does her voice go up an octave while she says, "That's so cuuuute."? HINT: These expressions are often preceded by "Awww!"
ANSWER: The average woman says this 1023 times which is more than the number of atoms in the universe. 1022 of these occasions occur when babies are present.
     Selfishly, I think there should be grandparent showers because I've forgotten how to care for a new born (Do you burp before or after feeding?), and all the baby stuff I used to own was long ago wrapped up as gifts for other people's babies.
     Anyway, it was nice to be asked. I watched the present opening — to a chorus of "cutes" and "awws" — and ate 432 tuna sandwiches to keep my strength up until the pizza I ordered arrived.
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