The Big Bang Theory of Aging

 "Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug." John Lithgow
     As I get older, my general physique seems to be broadening and my skin is stretching out to, well, let's just say, beyond the snap-back point. Growing older is a process of divergence; all the cells in your body are trying to get as far away from you   and each other   as they can.
I call this phenomenon the Big Bang Theory of Aging. I'm capitalizing all the first letters on purpose so important people will pay attention.
     The name of my theory is borrowed from astronomy. In scientific circles this is called basking in the shadow of others' respectability; something we scientists do all the time. The Big Bang Theory says, "In the Beginning … (followed by a bunch of scientific jabber) … then there was AN EXPLOSION and all the particles in the universe were so scared they ran away from each other." You can imagine how scary that explosion must have been when I tell you the Big Bang took place some 14 billion years ago and the particles are still running.
      Albert Einstein said, "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
     Aging, divergence another divergent process — parts of your body moving in opposite directions — is a hangover from the Big Bang. 
Though not obvious, your hair is always in motion. For example, as men age, head hair has a tendency to dive into their brain and start a new colony elsewhere, say in an obliging ear, or a nice nostril. If a sixty year-old man dyes his hair with chartreuse and lime-green streaks, some months later he'll have chartreuse ears and a lime-green nose. You've never seen that, thus proving my point. Older men don't dye their hair weird colors because they know what would happen.
     Bone cells are the hardest cells in the body and, not surprisingly, move the slowest. But even your teeth are running away from each other, forming gaps in your mouth. Older people aren't whistling at you; they're talking to you.
     The urge to diverge has lead to a number of urban myths:
     Some studies purport people get heavier as they get older. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Cells are so anxious to diverge, they hitch a ride on gravity and start migrating downward. Your body's increasing proximity to Mr. Scale gives off a false reading of added weight. You're not getting heavier; more of you is getting closer to the ground.
     Senility is another myth. Your brain does not get dumber as you get older; what it does get is slower. As those brain molecules run away from each other, the same thought takes longer to complete. But, if you wait long enough, the answer comes.
     You may have noticed your mind tends to wander as you age. This is not the onset of senility; your mind is wandering — physically; all your brain molecules are running away from each other. That, plus after fifty years you've heard most everything. And, some people are just boring.
     What happens, you may ask, when my runaway brain cells hit my skull? ANSWER: They leak into the atmosphere. You deposit partially formed thoughts everywhere. Like Pig Pen in the "Peanuts" cartoon, you leave thought clouds wherever you go.
     Lastly we come to relationships. As people get older they tend to be less intimate, relationships fall away and, once their allowance is cancelled, your children will fly off to live in other parts of the world; that is, large groups of atoms, clustered together in what we call you, are moving away from other atoms, clustered together in what you call them.
     Where will it end? One theory posits everything will eventually reach the limits of its forward motion, slow down, and then gravity will start a process of collapse, slowly at first and then picking up speed; all atoms in the universe now heading toward a central point like four-year olds after a Sponge Bob sighting.
     If you hang in for the long haul, everything in and on your body will eventually return to normal. If it doesn't, don't despair. This same show will be in reruns in about 14 billion years.
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