Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole

Good God, where does one begin?  The lower than humble Texas roots?  The billionaire wheelchair bound husband?  The fake ta-tas, which just couldn’t be easy on the back?  Any one with any interest in American pop culture had to have an opinion about Anna Nicole Smith.  Had to.  There was no pretending you didn’t know who she was.  Even if you didn’t keep up with cable reality television the woman had a multi-million dollar lawsuit eking itself through probate courts in two states.  She had her case heard in the Supreme Court of the United States!  Allow me to write that again, the woman had her case heard by the legally most revered law body of the land – The Supreme Court of the United States of America.

Born Vickie Lynn Holden in some forgettable Texas town she rose from fried chicken waitress, to teen pregnancy statistic, to an early marriage where the couple shared one of those tiny broke back houses you often see off the interstate and wonder if they are abandoned.  Like many a marriage made young and under such circumstances; Vickie’s didn’t hold up.  She moved to Houston to pursue her dream of Hollywood glory in the only way she knew how - stripping.  Apparently, the job with NASA fell through.

It was during Vickie’s tenure spent twirling on the pole, she met J. Howard Marshal II, a rarified man with dignified taste who was a fixture among Houston’s strip clubs.  This despite the fact that he was born a little after the Louisiana Purchase.  Being an oil bred billionaire he developed a reputation for being a good tipper to the girls trying to pay college tuitions, support families, and/or feed the beast of their drug addictions.  Little Vickie became a particular favorite of his.  A love story only the likes of Houston (the fattest city in America according to some survey) could foster.

As luck would have it, Vickie’s dreams of Hollywood, via fantasies of becoming the next Marilyn Monroe, were fulfilled when a little known magazine called ‘Playboy’ came calling.  A layout and name change later, the newly minted Anna Nicole Smith was proclaimed ‘Playmate of the Year.’  From there, she was plucked as the Guess? girl, which caused a stir in the fashion scene since she was the first ‘plus size’ model to obtain a contract with a major clothing manufacturer.  It wasn’t long before her cinematic aspirations were realized in one of the ‘Naked Gun’ sequels, which allowed her to sharpen her thespian talent along side O. J. Simpson.

Now that Anna Nicole had a little spending money of her own, the hunk that was J. Howard had to offer more to the girl (with the enhanced double DDs) then just coupons redeemable at Pizza Hut.  He wheezed a plea in her ear to become his wife and later she, decked out in the worst overdone bridal dress ever, said “I Do” and then left (literally on their wedding night for a photo shot in another city).  The groom was 89, the bride 26.

A mere fourteen months later the unthinkable happened; Marshal died and left a 1.6 billion dollar estate to be cheerfully settled between Anna and his estranged son.

Surprisingly, stepmother and stepson did not see eye to eye about the diving up of the estate.  In fact, two funerals were held for Marshal and his ashes were divided between the parties (later Anna’s half was used as a stage prop of sorts in her reality show where she carried Marshal's urn around trying to feng shui her home with him).  E. Pierce Marshal shockingly proclaimed that Anna had married his father for the old man’s money while Anna broadcasted to whoever was holding a microphone, “I’m sick of being accused of gold-digging.  It just so happens I get turned on my liver spots.”  Although a youthful woman sharing a marital bed with an incontinent man nearing 90 is only explainable when a great sum of money is added to the equation, knowing Anna as the American public eventually did, one could almost believe she married the man out of sheer love.

E. Pierce Marshal (now deceased) made the fatal mistake (pun intended) of not only portraying his stepmother as an uncaring harpy in regards to his father, but also attempted to make sure Anna received nothing from the estate.  This from a son who at one time was cut off from Daddy’s money.  Although little, in my opinion, could be said in favor of a dirty old, old, old man who used his massive wealth to get a little titty action, I do feel J. Howard cared enough for Anna Nicole to make her his bride.  Whether or not she was there to give him adequate lovin’, he would not have wanted her to go to the poorhouse.  Much heartache (literally and figuratively) could have been spared for all parties if only the heir apparent would have thrown a measly sum, of say 50 million, his stepmother’s way.  The estate would never miss it and Anna probably would have withdrawn her claim.

How is this for irony?  Marshal’s estate has been through the probate courts for the last twelve years and Anna Nicole has never earned a dime off of it.  In fact, Smith has been rumored to have had financial problems for years.  In 2002 – 2003 she had a reality program ‘The Anna Nicole Show’ on the E Network.  Although the show quickly faded from view, the debut numbers for it were the highest ever for an E show and coined the term, ‘train wreck television.’

Week after week, Smith was squeezed into some sort of formal dress as she limped and laid around her home talking in a groggy voice about food and her lack of sex.  All of this is interesting to watch at first, but the audience soon grew weary of what was obviously her daily lifestyle.  There are only so many times a former beauty can get her ass stuck under an end table before it is no longer worthy of comment.

In all seriousness, a few times the cameras would catch Anna’s son Daniel lurking in the background and he seemed like a sweet shy kid.  I suppose it wouldn’t be too far off the mark to state that although his mother seemed fine about appearing like a clownish guttersnipe, he deserved better.  The upside to everything was the honest belief that some day he would have his choice of universities when his stepfather’s estate was finally settled.

Just as Anna’s show was blurring in collective memory, she emerged once again as a thin Anna (allegedly due to an over the counter diet supplement).  Accompanied by her always present, attorney at large, Howard K. Stern (who was a fixture on her E show as well) she went from Hollywood premieres, to the steps of the Supreme Court, then to radio interviews with shockjock Howard (without the K.) Stern.  She even seemed lucid some of the time, a trait she sadly lacked for the most part post her husband’s death.  Could a healthy sober Anna Nicole be a reality?

The long answer you already know.  Within this past year, she gave birth in the Bahamas (an interesting choice considering the questionable paternity of her daughter) her twenty year old son died, she had a commitment/marriage ceremony with Howard K., various lawsuits were filed for sundry of reasons, and then she died.  Each time a new blurb about her appeared on any legit news source; a feeling of either awe or extreme sadness followed.  Her son passing under such circumstances gave no opportunity for those of us who are jokers to joke.  It was all too tragic.

Now that Anna is dead, one can’t help but wonder what the fate of her five month old daughter will be.  All the while, speculation continues to grow as to who is the biological father of Daniellynn (named after her older brother).  Already throwing their hats in the ring, there is the former photographer boyfriend, attorney Stern (with the K), the frozen sperm of Marshal himself, and even Zaa Zaa Gabor’s husband, Prince ? (I'll call him Prince Eurotrash for the sake of simplicity).  All which leads anyone to ask, WTF?  Amazingly, the baby could inherit at least 400 million dollars when all is said and done.

Overall, the story of Anna Nicole Smith is a uniquely American one (okay, it could probably happen in Australia and parts of Canada).  It is popular lore that all one needs to do to succeed in America is be smart (as in make good choices), receive an education, and work hard…all things Anna was not and did not.  Anna Nicole represents the underbelly of the American dream.  She succeeded despite poverty, tackiness, and a drive to be lazy.  Even her own family told anyone willing to listen they didn’t like her, and half of them tattooed images of her on their bodies.  I have determined she represents the best and worst America has to offer.  The sense of entitlement along with a sense of fun; an ability to make others do your biding while at the same time pissing everyone off with your antics; stumbling into luck but paying for it in the most unexpected devastating ways.

Anna Nicole Smith always wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe, and I’ll be damned if she didn’t actually out Monroe Marilyn.  In the end, she was big, blond and lived life without apologies.  May she rest in peace.