New York Transit Police Use Twinkies to Revive Fainting Dieters

NEW YORK. With the release of statistics showing that fainting by passengers who skip meals is one of the leading causes of delays on New York City's subways, Mayor Michael Bloomberg today announced that transit police would be equipped with Hostess Twinkies and other high sugar snacks in order to speed up the nation's most heavily-used urban transit system.

Bloomberg:  "You should eat more."

"Anorexic black-outs contribute to lost man and woman hours, making New York City less competitive than New Jersey where people bulk up on high-carb Italian food," said Bloomberg, adding "I'm not going to lose a caloric arm's race to a bunch of goombahs with pepperoni breath."

Mangia!

When a rider on the city's transit system faints, a crew member must stay with him or her until emergency responders arrive. Because train and bus service is unreliable, EMT's normally travel to the scene of a blackout in taxi cabs, worsening the city's budget deficit.

"You want to split a celery stick?"

Mayor Bloomberg recently proposed a ban on trans fats in the city's restaurants, leading critics to charge him with hypocrisy. "On the one hand we are telling people not to eat french fries--on the other we force-feed Ring-Dings, Ho-Ho's and other sugary junk to fashion models who faint on the A train," said Citizens for Healthy Snack Foods' Executive Director Evan Salley. "We should be giving them granola bars, which would induce vomiting, thereby preserving New York's reputation as home of the world's skinniest models."

Granola bar, or parakeet food?

Because of high housing costs, New York models must spend the majority of their income on rents, forcing them to survive in a hunter-gatherer fashion as they move from one cocktail reception to the next, foraging for olives, pickles and other finger foods. Models for mail order house Land's End grow fat on grains that are native to the Midwest, while models for Maine's L.L. Bean are the heaviest in the industry. "Our girls live on potatoes, which grow wild here," said Jerry Altschuler, director of photography for the outdoor and wildnerness clothing manufacturer. "I have to use a wide-angle lens to get them in focus."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman