Conservative Group Says Abstinence Helps Prevent Children

TULSA, Oklahoma. A conservative public policy group released a study today indicating that abstinence education, a controversial initiative in the fight to reduce teen pregnancies, can prevent or even eliminate children, if used properly.

"If you don't have sex, you won't have children, unless you do."

"Our research shows that when you put teenagers together for an extended period of time, with a half-pint of Bacardi's Rum, a quart of Diet Coke and soft music, the risk of unwanted pregnancy is reduced by 75% if the kids do not have sex," said Ellen Walton of the League of Concerned Women of America.

An antidote for birth control pills.

The study's authors, two researchers at the Fuqua Graduate School of Social Studies at Oral Roberts University, indicated that adolescents who do not have sex are much less likely to have children. "My partner and I--and I mean that in an intellectual sense--determined that the presence or absence of offspring was directly related to who was putting what appendage into which orifice," said Alicia Fricke, Assistant Professor of Psychology in the Hermann Institute for Faculty-Student Sexuality.

Virgin birth:  That may explain it.

As for the other 25%--what happened with them? "Virgin birth," says Fricke's colleague Juliet Barner. "It's the only explanation. We turn the cameras off at 11 p.m. out of respect for the students' privacy, and great God almighty--we had a miracle on our hands!"

Perdue:  There are consequences when you get laid.

Children who are born as a result of the study will be donated to the Frank Perdue Life Sciences Institute at the school.

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman