LA JOLLA, California. Genetically-modified "cool" mice whose body temperatures were set one degree below normal live longer lives and are able to counsel dorky lab workers, according to a Scripps Research Institute scientist.
"First--lose the pocket protector. Then we'll work on your breath."
"In mice with an overheated hypothalamus the body lowers the internal thermostat, which lengthens their life span," said researcher Bruno Kaeberlein. Cool members of the human species tend to have shorter lives because they insist on smoking cigarettes and indulging in other "cool" activities, he noted.
This difference between the two species "is part of the same phenomenon that causes geeky male science majors to congregate together at parties and discuss disgusting things like smegma in order to avoid talking to girls," claims William Osei of the National Institute of Science. "Their lack of coolness gets in the way of their reproductive instinct," he says.
"My RAM is bigger than yours."
Kaeberlein says he will use his "cool" mice to give dating and lifestyle tips to chemistry and physics majors who work with him as lab assistants. "One of the mice suggested everybody buy Miles Davis records and learn some sexy Italian phrases like 'al dente'," he noted. "Getting these guys to put down their science fiction novels isn't easy."
"This is the coolest Star Trek convention ever!"
Kaeberlein's concern is echoed by Neil Conti of the University of Washington in Seattle. "We've got to get young scientists to mate, or we're facing a second Dark Ages where everybody has the math skills of an English major and we heat our apartments by burning witches."
"Don't look--they're coming this way."
As for the mice, they have so far not bonded with the lab assistants, preferring to consult on an as-needed basis. "There's no way I'm going to hang with those nerds," said #1138, a white-coated member of the Mus musculus musculus subspecies. "As soon as the bell rings at the end of the day, I go to the water bottle for a drink and act like I don't know them."
Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
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