Aliens, Town Officials Reach Compromise on Abduction Issue

ROSWELL, New Mexico. Floyd Knox is a long-time public servant in this town known for tales of alien encounters, but he's less enthusiastic about extraterrestrial activity than he used to be.

"Last month we had a big planning board meeting to go over a curb cut for a new McDonald's, and we couldn't get a quorum," he says. The problem? "Aliens had abducted three of our board members, including the town manager, and were doing all sorts of weird probes on them."

That meeting had to be cancelled, causing Knox to reschedule the hearing for a week when he had planned to be on vacation in Branson, Missouri. "I know we're supposed to be tolerant of other life forms, but dammit, I'd had enough."

So Knox and a few other local dignitaries asked for a sit-down with alien leaders to see if there wasn't some way they could work together. "We had a reverse 'take-me-to-your-leader' encounter with them," Knox says. "I don't want to stop their legitimate scientific research, but we have all kinds of community things we need to cover," he says.

The solution? Nevada Fish & Game officials are teaching aliens from the NGC 4414 spiral galaxy the same "catch and release" techniques they have used to maintain fish stocks in the state's lakes and ponds. "We are trying to teach aliens that human beings are a limited resource," says Warden Jim Hampy. "If they want to make sure that there are homo sapiens around for their children and grandchildren, they're going to have to become conservationists."

Alien males resisted the program at first, but they have now come to view gathering humans for observation as more of a sport than a job. "When I first heard about it, I was totally illit#xy% says Galactic Commander YX54 9292, lapsing into his native tongue to express himself in more colorful language than this reporter can sneak past his copy editor. "Now we view 'humaning' as a way to get away from our wives on weekends, and an excuse to spend money on goofy-looking gear."

Alien abductions in Nevada have declined as a result of the program, with few negative repercussions. "For the most part the aliens were taking people away to suck their bone marrow, which they consider a delicacy like shrimp cocktail," says Hampy. "We hooked them up with the State Department of Nutrition, who taught them how to make delicious snacks using Triscuit brand crackers and Kraft Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese."

There is one aspect of the evolution of abductions into a sport comparable to fishing that state officials are not permitted to teach, and that is how to hold one's liquor.

"Most of these guys had never even tasted light beer before," says Knox, as he looks down a row of aliens passed out after sharing a wine cooler. "They were so drunk they tried to eat my night crawlers."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman