WASHINGTON, D.C. The Department of Homeland Security has taken the first official steps to place the Shriners, a fraternal organization that uses Arabian motifs in its costumes and rituals, on its "Specially Designated Nationals" list, a move that would severely circumscribe the group's activities in the U.S.
Department Secretary Michael Chertoff said the Shriners, whose official name is the "Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine", scored a perfect "100" on Homeland Security's "How to Spot a Terrorist Organization" secret decoder ring.
"First, they wear funny hats," he said. "Second, they claim to be a charity, as if we haven't heard that one before. Third, they are organized into local cells that lay dormant until ordered into action by a central authority. Fourth, they ride those little motor scooters, which could be used to ram municipal buses. And fifth, they wear paramilitary outfits."
A reporter raised his hand to ask a question, but Chertoff cut him off for one final item. "Did I mention the funny hats?"
The Shriners are known for their use of miniaturized motor vehicles in parades and for their Middle Eastern garb, particularly the fez, a tapering felt hat with a tassel that hangs from its crown. "Nobody wears those things in America except for organ grinders' monkeys," Chertoff noted. "That was our first tip-off."
Shriner officials denied any link to terrorism and said their charitable pursuits are genuine and not a front for illicit activities. "Unless you count the beer we drink at lodge meetings," said Supreme Excellent Master of the York Rite Clinton Koehn, a chiropractor in Keokuk, Iowa.
A reporter reminded Chertoff of prior cases in which Homeland Security had placed apparently innocent individuals on its terrorist "watch" list, including two incidents in 2004 when Senator Edward Kennedy (D. Mass.) was barred from boarding the US Airways shuttle between Washington, D.C. and Boston. "We've made mistakes before," Chertoff replied, somewhat chastened, "but Kennedy wasn't one of them."
Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
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Comments: 12
oh, and the Shriner's Hospital here should be investigated. All those children they are helping must really be short terrorists.
and what about those side trips I made to o m a n and q a t a r ? hmmmm.... don't ask, don't tell - that's my motto.
Michael Chertoff has it out for me.
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Funny dear . . . .
Two of my father's brothers were high ranking Masons.
I probably better stay away from the airports.
That must be Con as in Con Artist.
Yes, one day when I was trying to bs the boss, he looked me straight in the eye and said TI. . . .Dont try to con the con artist.
Give me a freakin break. Because of the Shriners I am alive today. They help children! And quite honestly I don't care where they get their money ;o)
It's a joke--see tags.