#2 Reason Why Children Love the Zoo

ba-dum-bum-CHING!
(That joke never gets old. Never gets funny, either.)

So as I was saying, me, my wife and kids, a zooing we did go. We have a membership to the Cincinnati Zoo which means visits to the park are free and all the monkey chow we can eat. Other benefits of zoo membership include having buildings in the park named after you, but that usually requires a large donation. The cheapest item to have dedicated is a parkbench, but it requires sneaking in your own nameplate and attaching it yourself. If you're exceptionally cheap you could always just use a magic marker, but marker dedications only last until the benches get painted in the fall.

After each visit to the zoo, we always ask the kids which animal was their favorite. On this particular trip it was the Eland. Before this visit, I couldn't tell the Eland from any of the other 37 different varieties of deer the zoo had to offer, but on this trip the Eland did something that none of the other animals did.

The Eland pooped. Oh, the look of childhood joy on their faces. It was spectacular!

Nothing generates greater excitement in children than a wild animal engaged in the act of relieving itself. Other than watching the animals sleep, which is what the majority of the animals are doing whenever we visit, this is the only form of excitement, the only parlor trick, that these animals have to offer. The zoo has to know that people get a kick out of seeing the animals poop. It's probably a discussion that's been held between the zookeepers and park accountants on many occasions.

Gate receipts are down for the second month in a row, Bob. Can you tweak the zebra's fiber content up by another 10 percent? Giraffes and elephants too. Hell, while your at it, might as well hit the monkeys. Give the people what they want!

It always seems to be the prey animals that are most liberal with their defecating displays. Come to think of it, in all my years of visiting the zoo I can't say I've ever seen a tiger, lion, or bear hunched over in the act of completing a fecal transaction. I find the bear one very odd since from the old saying I know that they do it in the woods, so one can assume that they also do it in their simulated woodland enclosure.

There must be an unwritten code of honor amongst the predatory animals that forbids public display of waste removal. It's as if they know that's what people most want to see yet they manage to stick to the same old name, rank, and serial number routine, refusing to crack under the pressure of captivity. You can almost see the contempt in their faces as they glare at you from their pens (between naps of course), as if saying:

"Look buddy, I was minding my own business back in India when some of your people shot me with a tranquilizer dart, tagged my ear, stuffed me in a cage, air freighted me half way across the world where I was poked, prodded, and analyzed before finally getting corralled into this pen with this other tiger because you people have high hopes that someday we might mate. She thinks she's out of my league but under these conditions I like my chances. While I'm waiting her out, I sit here every day watching sweaty meat sacks like yourself stroll by taunting me with your meaty thighs and tender belly overhangs. Under different circumstances I would be gnawing on your spine if you ever dared get this close to me, but I'm stuck here in this pen and I've made my peace with it. In spite of all that, if you think I'm going to stoop so low as to pinch one off right here, right now, so your kids can have a good laugh at my expense, then you are sadly mistaken. Good day to you sir!"

Sometime in the near future I plan to spend an entire weekend sitting in front of the tiger enclosure, arriving when the park opens in the morning and staying until closing each day in the hopes of finally seeing the tiger make his mark. Since I'm a member the zoo shouldn't have a problem with me camping out in front of his pen, but if they do I'll refer them to the dedication sign on my parkbench to remind them of who they are dealing with.

(Originally posted to my online humor column, The Dimmer Switch, on 5/31/06.  Link to original article.)