The Fort Knox Blues at the OHC

Colonel Possum’s Recession Chronicles (previous episodes):

The $700 Million Dollar Chicken Ranch

One Hour and Thirty One Minutes of Recession Relief

“Colonel, do you know much gold is in Fort Knox?” Big Molly clicked off the remote. What a sight, Molly and her sister Elko have been perched for a week at the OHC kitchen counter watching the global economic catastrophe unfold on the CNBC Business Channel. They are pretty big gals and there is no room for the ole Colonel to sit when they are keeping two barstools from starring at the ceiling.

In more normal times, the sisters would be watching the world pass by from the window of their vintage Peterbilts, “Miss Pete” and “Fallen Angel.” They’d be hauling drill pipe to Bakersfield or Nissans to Nantucket. The load never matters; to them trucking is trucking and a damn sight better than a day job. Both Molly and Elko are in their sixties now and it has been many a moon since their wild and crazy days in the Sixties. To call either a “flower child” is a little silly given their large physical stature and chosen profession. Nonetheless, in their prime, Big Molly and Elko Mono tripped the lights fandango and road the “Hippie Highway” with their thumbs as skillfully as they drove 18-wheelers on Interstates later in life.*

Now my old hippie gals are asking me to explain credit default swaps and monetary policy. Their trucks have been idle since June and this summer’s “non-recession recession” has been more devastating to the sisters than failed brakes on the Grapevine. Diesel prices going through the roof and taxpayer bailouts for Wall Street fat cats, has brought the CNBC Business Channel center stage at the Old Hippie’s Corner (OHC) along with a lot of hooting and hollering. It was more fun a year ago when prime T.V. time at the OHC was Molly whistling at the briefcase “cuties” on Howie Mandel’s game show, Deal or No Deal.

“I don’t know Molly, how much gold is in Fort Knox?”

“I just saw it on the History Channel, 147 million ounces.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right it is Saturday. No Maria Bartiromo and stock market crashes today. That sure is a lot of gold.”

“Elko, what’s the price of gold?” Molly turned to her sister who pulled my calculator from under a sleeping cat.

“December contract?” Elko asked rhetorically, “$886.5 at the close Friday.”

“Oh Christ! Where are my fun, don’t-give-a-shit hippie gals? When did you two start tracking commodity futures?”

Molly pushed a big index finger into my chest like a .44 magnum bullet, “Colonel, I told you last week I was going to get smart on this economy! I might be the biggest gal in the county but that don’t mean my brain is small. I’m getting this figured, taking names and then kicking some butt.”

“I’m impressed, hon, just a little surprised!”

“How much Elko?” Molly kept her finger in my chest, “How much?”

“130 billion dollars,” Elko punched the calculator again. She is a whiz at numbers and has been keeping the books straight at the OHC for years, “Yeah, 130,315,500,000 dollars.”

“How much was that fat cat bailout last week?” Elko kept the finger in the bullet hole.

“700 billion dollars.”

“Ok Colonel, there you go!” Big Molly put her finger in the holster, “All the gold in Fort Knox couldn’t bail out those Wall Street jerkoffs and we’re supposed to foot the bill?”

“These are difficult times,” I said using all my Aquarian skills to bring some of the boil off the afternoon.

“No, that 700 billion is chicken feed! How much did folks lose in the markets this week Elko?”

“2.4 trillion dollars.”

“How many Fort Knox’s is that?”

“Hmm, let’s see.” Elko punched in some more numbers, “A scotch over 18.”

“Eighteen Fort Knox’s, Colonel!” Molly put a second bullet hole in my chest, so much for the Age of Aquarius, “A lot of that is pensions and retirement!”

“How much has gone up in smoke for the past year?”  Molly retracted the finger and prepared for selective fire.

“Let’s see in a year we’re looking at 8.4 trillion,” Elko took a draw on her Coors Lite, “That’s…uh…about 65 Forts.”

“Sixty five Fort Knox’s, Colonel,” Molly let fire on her target of opportunity.

“Ouch, hon. I get your point.”

“They got the U.S. Army protecting the gold in Fort Knox. Who’s protecting American’s savings in Washington? Colonel, this ain’t right! Somethings got to be did!”

Stay tuned.

Cheers,

Colonel Possum

Copyright Colonel Possum Publishing Co.

* You can read more about Colonel Possum, Sage, Big Molly and Elko Mono and their heyday in the Sixties. Here’s a good place to start:

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