Family Flix: Are We Done Yet? The Trouble With Ice Cube

I’m going to tell you on the outset, this was a very aptly titled movie. I’m telling you this now because I know what it’s like to have a portion of your life wasted and to desperately want it back. I don’t want anyone else to suffer the way I have today, but if you’re so inclined please do continue reading.

Are We Done Yet is a comedy (and I use the term very, very loosely) about a family who buys a fixer-upper house in the suburbs. It is the sequel to Are We There Yet, which I thankfully didn‘t see. I did briefly consider renting it. If I had I would probably be outside hanging myself from the front porch rather than writing this column. Please bear with me while I describe the plot.

Nick Persons (Ice Cube) has recently married Suzanne (Nia Long), who comes with two children Kevin and Lindsey (Philip Daniel Bolden and Aleisha Allen). Suzanne is pregnant with twins so the family buys a big house in the suburbs. The house needs more work than Nick anticipated. You see, despite the fact that he just quit his job to start a magazine, and that his wife is about to have twins, and that he just spent every penny he had on the house, it never occurred to Nick to spend a few hundred dollars on a home inspection. Now he has to hire contractor Chuck (John C. McGinley), who incidentally is also the real estate broker who sold them the house (he is also the city inspector, a midwife and ex-basketball player). I believe that Chuck is mentally ill. That is all.

I’ll get right to the point. The only way you’re going to like this movie is if you enjoy two hours worth of sight gags , or if you’re looking for solid predictability. Or if you’re a masochist. I am none of these. You want examples? Nick ends up wearing a slice of pizza in the first three minutes. Sight gag. It rains and the roof leaks on Nick right when he’s settling into bed. Predictable. Must I go on?

OK, I’ll go on. I spent about two-thirds of this movie cringing. The acting was forced and un-funny. The plot was silly. It took place in the Pacific northwest, and yet there was a running joke about sturgeon, as though no one had ever heard of it. At one point Lindsey sneaks away with her boyfriend so she can (get this) go to his parents luau and sing karaoke. Nick flips out. (I’d like to remind you at this point that this flip-out is coming from a man who once sang “A Bitch Is A Bitch”). Right. Someone call Maury Povich.

Am I the only one who misses NWA? (If you don’t know what NWA is, go ask your mom. I can’t discuss it in a family column). Did you ever in your wildest dreams imagine that Ice Cube would be starring in sappy family movies? During the opening credits they ran a cartoon with Ice Cube’s character in it. I almost couldn’t tell the difference between him and Haley Mills. It was bizarre. It was also the best part of the movie. (Just do you know, AEYOB does appreciate physical humor and he is also young and unrefined, so he enjoyed it.)

May I offer you a suggestion? Instead of going to see this movie go into your kitchen cabinet and get a medium-sized glass. Break the glass into several small pieces. Take a few of the tiny shards and stick them underneath your eyelids. If you have any left over shove them under your fingernails. This activity will not only be cheaper but infinitely more enjoyable than watching Are We Done Yet. I wish I had done it.

Wendy R., Movie Correspondent:

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