by John Philipp
Member since:
August 10, 2006

Whoops! Another universe …

February 18, 2008 12:04 AM EST (Updated: May 26, 2008 07:38 PM EDT)
views: 166 | rating: 10/10 (50 votes) | comments: 126
Whoops!

I told you not to say that.

Sorry.

So.

So, what?

So, what made you say "Whoops?"

According to my calculations, we entered normal space too close to that black hole. We're caught in its gravitational field.

Then get us out.

We don't have enough fuel to escape. We're going in!

(Pause) Full throttle on all engines …

I told you, we don't have enough fuel …

… and head straight for it.

WHAT!

A great philosopher once said, "The only way out is through."

This is physics, not philosophy.

Who's Captain here?

Aye, aye Captain.

(The ride is 10+ on the Bumpy Scale, then it is suddenly calm.)

God in heaven, we're through!

What do you see?

Nothing. Wherever we are, there're no stars.

How about behind us?

Whoops.

I told you …

We must have opened a hole with our shockwave, Captain. There's A LOT of matter pouring in behind us. A Big Bang if I ever saw one.

Stay at full power.

Aye, aye, sir.

And that was how Captain Jeremiah Jehovah punctured his way through a black hole and created a new universe, quite by accident. It took him seven days to outrun the screaming mass behind him.

Then he rested.          
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Comments: 126

G. M. Lupo Feb 18, 2008, 12:10am EST
I've always wondered about this.
Ellie !. Feb 18, 2008, 12:10am EST
FULL POWER! Okay, now I need to rest.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 12:14am EST
Now you know, Matt.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 12:14am EST
Rest ahead, Ellie. It's a holiday.
David S. Feb 18, 2008, 12:34am EST
Fun stuff, John!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 12:38am EST
Thanks, David.
Alice N. Feb 18, 2008, 12:41am EST
Wow.
Nancy 67 Feb 18, 2008, 12:44am EST
Well, re-writin' the Bible, now, Mister John? ;-D It's an interesting, fun, new age kind of interp! ;-D Enjoyed it!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 1:03am EST
I assume that's a good "Wow," Alice.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 1:04am EST
Not interpreting, Nancy. just reporting or in those days they called it chronicling.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 1:04am EST
Exponential, John, like Watch Out!
Vana R. Feb 18, 2008, 1:07am EST
Oh boy...my Catechism teachers would have a field day with this one...lol! Hope you're enjoying your long weekend.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 1:09am EST
I am, Vana. You as well, I hope and I'm not afraid of no catechism teachers.

How big are they? Just curious.
penni d. Feb 18, 2008, 1:18am EST
Best I've heard in awhile about "it all",lol
Vana R. Feb 18, 2008, 1:22am EST
Some are HUUUUUGE! And...you gotta safe guard your knuckles from those rulers...especially the ones with the steel edges...ouch!
Jan S. Feb 18, 2008, 1:29am EST
Great satire! Funny!
DL "Duchess of Nonsense" Dzioba Feb 18, 2008, 1:32am EST
Lol
Susan N. Feb 18, 2008, 1:38am EST
Let there be light! Now we know "the rest of the story"
Dee - Nature Babe! Feb 18, 2008, 3:51am EST
Funny! Thank you!
Emma L. Feb 18, 2008, 4:48am EST
Very funny! I enjoyed it.
elizabeth e. Feb 18, 2008, 5:57am EST
Interview with Abe...creating a new universe....ummmm....john, what have you been smokin'?
Beaker (just Beaker) Feb 18, 2008, 6:25am EST
To quote another great philosopher: "highly illogical--but fascinating."
Larry M. Feb 18, 2008, 7:09am EST
Sounds plausable to me. I don't know why they were talking English but ...
Bert Van Essen Feb 18, 2008, 7:39am EST
"Whoops! Darn I should not have said whoops! Every time I say whoops you jump and get pale. Don't worry super glue is just perfect for gluing the throttle back on. Scottie! Forget the cracked dilithium crystals. Come up here a minute."
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:55am EST
John, John, John

One billion times is nothing when you are equipped with an Acme Intergalatic Supercalifragilistic Shock Absorbers — the kind they make on Melmac.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:55am EST
Bumpy scale would be a great name for a vaudeville performer

and, yes, you are up way too late.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:57am EST
Thanks, Penni. We try to do "it all" on Humor Monday.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:57am EST
Uh oh, Vana. I was afraid of that.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:57am EST
Glad you liked it, Jan.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:57am EST
If the "Rubber Ducky" likes it, it must be OK.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:57am EST
"The rest of the story," Susan — why didn't I think of that?
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:58am EST
You're welcome, Dina.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:58am EST
Glad you enjoyed it, Emma.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:58am EST
Whatever I've been smokin', Elizabeth, I can assure you it is purely medicinal. I got a prescription from Doctor Joe on the corner.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:58am EST
Larry, they weren't talking English. I forgot and left the Universal Translator on.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:58am EST
Bert, LOL. Of course, super glue was being used. Duct tape wasn't invented until just after the Big Bang.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:00am EST
You're welcome, Julie.

Some things are so simple. You just have to ask.

You look cute in black and white. (Just realized that looks like a twins sonogram)
Landen Michaels Feb 18, 2008, 8:03am EST
I half expected to read an "I'm givin' her all I got!" in there somewhere.

The screaming mass has been screaming ever since, hasn't it?
Landen Michaels Feb 18, 2008, 8:05am EST
Hey, jules... I'm sure it's a cute arse, even if a tad bruised.

John - Have you seen a twins sonogram? The thought of twin little Johns running around is rather intriguing...
sheila ~the hapless housewife~ j. Feb 18, 2008, 8:07am EST
oh, that is so good!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:14am EST
Yes, Landen. The screaming mass is still screaming.

"I'm giving her all I've got" would be sinking low even for a semi-reputable humorist.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:16am EST
Well, Landen, there was a side by side bathroom fixture designed just for just an eventuality.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:16am EST
Thanks, Sheila.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:20am EST
J.K. no one said the universe was logical, just fair.

No, wait, that's not right either ...
Digital Diva S. Feb 18, 2008, 8:31am EST
Images and writing to Best Original Photos, Art and Writing for 2008 now require camera info and more info in the caption - like where or when. If you choose to edit and add that info send it back to me and I will accept it.

A copyright symbol with you name is also acceptable on both articles and photos.

Thanks.

If you don't know why read my article about keeping Best Original Photos Art and Writing – ORIGINAL
Captain Ken Pothier Feb 18, 2008, 8:34am EST
where were you sitting when you wrote this?
The black hole of political spin puppets.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:48am EST
Hmmm, Marilyn. I'm not quite sure how to digest that comment given I have no pictures of the creation of the universe — though, to anyone who has, I bet they'd fetch a farthing or two.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 8:48am EST
No, Ken, just in my arm chair chatting with Abe.
Judi F. Feb 18, 2008, 8:57am EST
I just wanna know if there was a P-32 Space Modulator involved.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 9:02am EST
There's always a P-32 Space Modulator involved.
Ron (in complete sheeple overload) W. Feb 18, 2008, 9:12am EST
Tell First officer Mary to watch out for that guy.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 9:13am EST
LOL, Ron.
Larry H. Feb 18, 2008, 9:22am EST
thanks for sharing
Debby O. Feb 18, 2008, 9:55am EST
lol!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:13am EST
Glad you dropped by, Larry.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:13am EST
I'm here to serve, Judi.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:13am EST
Glad you liked it, Debby.
Lisa K. Feb 18, 2008, 10:25am EST
LOL. This piece is a lot of fun. Loved it.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:29am EST
Glad you did, Lisa.
Jerri H. Feb 18, 2008, 11:46am EST
LOL!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 12:12pm EST
Thanks, Jerri.
Pat Bertram Feb 18, 2008, 12:39pm EST
Whoops? That's how the universe started, with a whoops? Makes sense to me.
Curt L. Feb 18, 2008, 12:47pm EST
Fun-N-funky! Thank you, JP! Gotta be a 10!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 1:09pm EST
Hey, Pat. Accidents happen — even in the most intelligent of universes.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 1:10pm EST
Curt, thank you.
Jeanie C. Feb 18, 2008, 1:21pm EST
Glad he had full power too bad he didn't have that power booster they came up with a week later. That really would have helped. LOL Great story
Haim Kadman Feb 18, 2008, 1:43pm EST
The first chapter of the rewritten bible, what's next? You got some imagination John, it simply great.
Beth H. Feb 18, 2008, 1:59pm EST
So glad that Captain Jehovah graced you with a sense of humor, John. And the skills to share it with the rest of us. Laugh aloud funny.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 2:22pm EST
Fun comment, Jean. Thanks.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 2:24pm EST
Thanks, Haim. Your comment got me to thinking. Maybe, the real ten commandments would be a good topic.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 2:24pm EST
Thank you, Beth. Your comments always mean a lot to me.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 4:29pm EST
That's what I thought, Dan. Thanks for the support.
GREAT, now that "THAT"S" been cleared up, perhaps we can get back to living in the now.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 4:47pm EST
I'm with you, Katherine.
Pat S. Feb 18, 2008, 6:20pm EST
" Live long and Prosper "..............................thx for sharing.............. :O)
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 6:49pm EST
You're welcome, Pat. I'll do my best.
Amy D. Feb 18, 2008, 6:50pm EST
I always suspected they were leaving something out in Sunday School.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 6:50pm EST
Well, Amy, they kept his name.
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 7:17pm EST
Thanks, Christi.
Georgiana S. Feb 18, 2008, 10:03pm EST
That's where they went!
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:19pm EST
You've got that right, Georgiana.
Greg Schiller Feb 18, 2008, 10:33pm EST
Groan, and I had to study his "mission notes" in Sunday School for almost a decades......%(*^()*)&%$
simon g. Feb 18, 2008, 10:37pm EST
Very funny John, great piece, and all the physics is dead on accurate. But I do have one teeny little nit to pick. When Captain Jehovah says "God in heaven, we're through" to Whom is He referring?
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:37pm EST
Greg, that would be "His mission notes..." :)
John Philipp Feb 18, 2008, 10:40pm EST
Simon, Whoops!

OK (going for a quick save) another space captain many of billions of years before Jehovah.
(wipes beading sweat off brow).

I was waiting for someone to point out that he should have rested after six days.
(wipes more beading sweat off brow)
Sheila Deeth Feb 19, 2008, 1:53am EST
Ah, that was fun. Thanks.
John Philipp Feb 19, 2008, 8:50am EST
Glad you liked it, Sheila.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Feb 19, 2008, 11:45am EST
John, apparently I'm running a little late this week, got stuck on an event horizon I guess. Anyhow, a couple more times when you really don't want to here "WHOOPS"

"Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain, we are starting to make our approach at Miami Dade, it is sunny and 88, we'll start our descent, whoops...."

"Now, we'll just make a little incision right about here, whoops......"
John Philipp Feb 19, 2008, 11:54am EST
It is a loaded word, Robert. Basically, it only works when you are saying it.
William M. Feb 19, 2008, 4:25pm EST
I'm learning, John.
John Philipp Feb 19, 2008, 4:41pm EST
Good for you, William.
Susan Sparkman Feb 20, 2008, 10:24am EST
Thanks for clearing that up!
John Philipp Feb 20, 2008, 10:49am EST
You're welcome, Susan. Curious people wanted to know.
arlene (no shame in my game) w. Feb 21, 2008, 12:17pm EST
You are a creative little devil aren't you John! That was a fun ride.
John Philipp Feb 21, 2008, 1:10pm EST
Thanks, Arlene. I agree: bumpy but fun.
Sophiya S. Feb 24, 2008, 10:20pm EST
funny
John Philipp Feb 25, 2008, 12:05am EST
Thanks, Sigriet.
Bill W. Mar 2, 2008, 4:47pm EST
I think it did happen exactly that way, but I was just a lad at that time and not too good at reading the news.

Well done!

Rest easy
John Philipp Mar 11, 2008, 11:05am EDT
Thanks, Bill. I have the same problem: hard to remember that far back.
golds g. Apr 6, 2008, 6:01pm EDT
no comment but wanted to let you know I stopped by