I was sitting in the hammock tossing back a brew the day the snail rebellion began.
The snails were almost to my trailer stairs before I noticed them. Gastropods of all kinds: anthropophilic land snails, marine snails, even a few slugs, all carrying little block-lettered signs in snail language. They seemed mad, chanting something I couldn't make out.
They were forming what looked like the start of the letter "C" with their bodies when I left for the Safeway. I returned some hours later, after I'd grabbed groceries, listened to Mrs. Warner tell about her niece's knee operation, and had lunch with Charlie Rickles, who I ran into crouching behind the grape bin sampling Thompson seedless. I checked the snails' progress and now realized they were making the letter "O", or maybe just a circle, which is what it turned out to be, a circle around one of the loafers I'd kicked off getting in the hammock.
It was game time so I went inside, put on my Red Sox cap, grabbed the Cheese Doodles from the grocery bag and popped a Miller Genuine Draft. Halfway through my fourth Millers, I stepped out of the trailer check on the dogs and noticed the snail convoy had completed the circle and lit my loafer on fire, chanting "Death to the Speedy". I watched for a few minutes, put out the loafer fire with the rest of the Millers, and went inside to watch a CSI rerun. The snails began to regroup and orient themselves toward my stairs.
I know I should talk to them because snails belong to the second largest class of invertebrates on the planet, but I don't have time for politics.
It's easier to move the trailer a few feet every day.
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Comments: 72
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
They probably do need a lawyer, Danielle, but I understand their slow payers.
Jennifer, if I ate them I think I just make the rest madder. Remember "they belong to the second largest class of invertebrates on the planet."
Thanks, Kimberly.
Alison, it's not a problem moving the trailer. I just move it in a ten foot circle.
Thanks, John. It's the principle of the thing — that and it's fun outthinking an angry mob.
I really enjoyed the read, keep us posted.
Katherine, the snails made me do it.
Anyone who is not with us in this fight, is against us. I spotted my neighbor speaking in sinster tones with an especially burly-looking snal, and I fear the worst.
Where can I report this guy?
Sounds like this should go to Homeland Security. They have that government efficiency thing going for them.
Unfortunately, there is no known remedy for either affliction.
Exactly how did they set the loafer on fire, rub two shells together? I would have thought the slime would automatically put out any fire they might get started.
Mount Desert Isle, beautiful. Love that part of the country.
I'll take a look at your site soon.
P.S. Glad you found a decent use for the Millers, and gladder to hear that you really drink Corona.
Actually, one of my favorites is Fosters except here it mostly comes in double-size cans.
Big Bro Dave was a fun read, turning what should be depressing into humor.
Not sure what you mean by taking the hook on Big Bro Dave. I did understand it was fiction.
Seriously, sounds like a fun premise. Be my guest.
That'll give them something to do besides bitch that it's hot everywhere and we didn't leave them any money in Social Security.
Good job Phillip...THere's nothing like a good imagination...
The first line is a classic and tells of what's to come.
"I was sitting in the hammock tossing back a brew the day the snail rebellion began."
"It was game time so I went inside, put on my Red Sox cap, grabbed the Cheese Doodles from the grocery bag and popped a Miller Genuine Draft."
Ahh, the Man Thing.
"I know I should talk to them because snails belong to the second largest class of invertebrates on the planet, but I don't have time for politics."
Hilarious. You're never alarmed. Just keeping the status quo - and moving that trailer a few feet every day.
You realize, if ya keep doin' that, you'll soon find yourself in a new zip code. And oh, the horrors of dealing with a postal carrier! Worse than snails. Although YOUR snails could probably carry pistols and such.
(pondering this)
Thanks, Dave. You may be right but I did get half way through a pretty scary concept but I just don't have the time this week to finish it. Some day I'll shock you all!
Funny, of course. Scary, too, especially when you imagine what they could be like if they got together with other creepy-crawlies. Snail sludge is pretty icky. Well written--of course it is.
Thank goodness they chanted "Death to THE Speedy" b/c I was worried that Chim-Chim and Trixie were going to be friendless. Then what would Racer X do without his brother? Sad moment until I re-read and saw the THE. Phew!
Watch that trailer moving thing - it's the snails' secret plot to keep you going in circles!
Thanks for the link. I think that Millers is an accepted substitution for the white wine in Emeril's purging & preparing process.
I thought trailers were against code in Sausalito...