Just read some statistics on modern marriage if you want to get depressed... according to the U.S. Census Bureau, in the past thirty years families run by single moms rose from 3.4 million to over 10 million-a trend that's evident across Europe and Australia as well. Why this sharp increase? A lethal combination of high expectations, neglect and lack of communication... a modus operandi mothers can slip into without even noticing it.
If you're anything like us, once you have babies your love life goes right out the window. New moms spend so much energy on nurturing those babies, that when their husbands nuzzle up to them, it can make them want to scream!
But what happens when the kids grow older? Of the 500+ women we interviewed for our book, Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too, more than three quarters of them admitted they not only never initiated sex, but they didn't even enjoy it that much when they did have it. Women spend so much time arguing with their husbands about who does the dishes, picks up the laundry, brings in the dough and gets to handle the remote control, that the very last thing on their minds is indulging in some hot and sweaty acrobatics.
Moms and Dads on the same team, but all too often they act like arch rivals. For most couples, it's exhausting!
In 2004, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University conducted a report whose key finding was: "For the average couple marrying in recent years, the lifetime probability of divorce or separation remains close to 50 percent." And get this conclusion: "Children seem to be a growing impediment for the happiness of marriages."
Here's the good news: mothers gave us tons of insight into how to achieve better teamwork and greater intimacy! From the information we gathered, the main cornerstones of a realistic modern relationship boil down to:
- Partnership: You're a team, and members of a team back each other up, help each other out, have each other's best interests at heart
- Communication and Compromise: It's sometimes a pain to have to spell things out; state your case and make sure you know his, and then be willing to meet someone in the middle.
- Trust and Respect: Without trust it's hard to open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable. When there's mutual respect, any challenge can be more easily overcome
- Intimacy: Being physically connected encourages tenderness, sincerity and empathy
- Having Fun Together: Life is short and having fun is good!
Mothers Need Time-outs Too is the new featured book in the McGraw-Hill Books Group. Learn about why it's okay and important to be a selfish mom. Share your stories. Offer advice. And read why it's important to be selfish!
To join the group, click here.
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 10
Join Earth School
Thanks.
Having children changes your priorities and a lot of men can't stand not being the "baby" in the family any more.
Humans might not be biologically hard-wired to have life-long relationships. I think we're wired to stay together long enough to get the babies weaned and then part company.
Before people go into "attack mode" I would like to state that biology is not destiny, and that long-term relationships are certainly possible. We just need to understand that these relationships are man-made constructs, not natural.
Women have had to tolerate a lot of abuse over the centuries due to economic dependence. We don't have to do that anymore, and many of us don't. Raising a child alone is certainly not the worst thing that can happen to us or the child.
Just some thoughts...
What an interesting conversation!
Rebecca, I do think you have a point that modern women don't "need" men as much as we used to. But the truth is that parenting with a partner, sharing both the ups and downs of ever-changing family life is usually much more satisfying than doing it alone. I'm sure you single moms are experiencing that. We're independent and capable, but it's all less stressful when someone else is sharing the journey with us.
I know that when I start taking my husband for granted, we've got a problem brewing. Much as I want someone to notice all the "invisible" work I'm doing at home after my "real" (ie. paid) work is done, I also understand that he needs to be appreciated too. He needs to see that I do notice when he helps me. So instead of saying, boy, why is the kitchen counter such a disaster, I'll say, thanks for going shopping. I can't expect it all. Showing appreciation for what he DOES do makes him want to help more.
Why? Because I'm a lot nicer when I feel like we're in this together! And ultimately, men want happy women (sex has something to do with that!). So if we can turn off the nagging, even if it's warranted, and share a little appreciation sometimes that's just what's needed.
Good luck!
Katrin
co-author, Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too