Being A Mother

I have been feeling very frustrated the last couple weeks because I feel like I am not being the kind of mother that I want to be and it bothers me.  I consider myself a pretty good mom (especially considering the mother I had who was a wonderful example of how *not* to be a mother) and I have two great kids.  But work has been very stressful lately and I come home exhausted, much more so then usual.  Usually we have dinner, then I spend some time with the kids doing whatever (playing outside, art projects, swimming in our little pool, etc.) and then we watch a bit of the Good Night show and then they go play in their rooms for a little while until lights out while I get things ready for the next day.  But lately I get home too emotionally and physically drained to do much of anything. 

I know that it will improve in the next few weeks because the stress at work will get better (we're going through a huge renovation right now).  And I have to accept that when things are stressful my chronic health problems become harder to manage -- a fact of life that I have to just deal with as best I can.

But I am still feeling guilty about not giving the kids the time and attention I would normally which is why I felt a need to just sit down and write it out.  Being a mother is certainly full of guilt and stress at times -- but also lots of joy.  I think I lose sight of the joys at times and I need to think more about those and the fact that my children won't be young for very long.  

 And maybe I need to accept that there are times when I won't feel up to doing the bigger gestures but the little ones can mean a lot also.  My daughter loves to sit on my lap and watch the Good Night show.  She loves when I lay in bed with her some nights and we whisper and giggle for a bit before she falls to sleep.  And Mac just wants me to sing his favorite song (Amazing Grace) and run his fingers through my hair as he settles down to sleep.  Both of them enjoy telling stories in the car on the drive to school in the mornings and singing songs on the way home in the afternoons.  And certainly their smiles and hugs make a huge difference in my life every day.

So that's where I'm at right now in being a mother -- neither here nor there but somewhere in between :-)   Thanks for listening!