The Left Hand Lane is NOT for YOU

Last weekend, I made the arduous journey from Oklahoma City to Dallas, Texas, along I-35. (Also known as The Highway of Death.) On Sunday, I made the return trip.

I think I have successfully used up my quota of swear words for one person. I have also created many new insulting terms for those in need. I called people names I'd never even considered before - it's just too bad they only saw my face and the gestures that went along with it, and couldn't hear the words I was screaming.

But I have created some new rules for the road, and I seriously think they should be incorporated into federal law.

1. If you are too short to see over the steering wheel and therefore have to creep along at a rollicking 45 miles per hour, for safety, the left hand lane is NOT for YOU.

2. If you are from Kansas, the left hand lane is NOT for YOU. Seriously - I have nothing against Kansas. I've driven through it many times and found nothing offensive about it. Of course, there was nothing interesting enough to make me want to stop, either, but that isn't the point. Kansas appears to be a fine place to live. And if you live there, please stay there with your other slow-driving friends.

3. If you are moving cross country, driving a U-Haul and towing two cars, the left hand lane is NOT for YOU. I hope you find that rainbow you've been looking for once you reach your final destination, I really do. But when I'm trying to drive to Dallas for some serious girl time with my friends, and you are keeping me from getting there in less than two hours, you must MOVE. Perhaps Kansas might be a good place for you?

4. If you are from a place that does not use the words and phrases "y'all," "yer momma-n-them," "perty as a speckled puppy," or "you want grits with that?" the left hand lane is NOT for YOU. I have nothing much against Yankees, and I'm willing to bet that on their home turf, they can drive. But give a carload of folks from Michigan a great big, flat prairie to stare at for a few hours, and they cease to be able to drive. Those are COWS over there, people. Yep, COWS. You don't need to slow down to see them, nor are they all that impressed if you moo at them. They don't understand you, anyway - you've got that funky accent, after all.

5. If you are driving your minivan full of your screaming children to your mother-in-law's house, and you can't keep the car between the lines because you have to change the in-car DVD, the left hand lane is NOT for YOU. Pull the vomit comet to the side of the road, change the movie, threaten the kids, put everyone back in their car seats (you BETTER have car seats, and USE them!), then pull slowly back into the right hand lane. And STAY THERE until you exit to your mother-in-law's house.

So, I'm sure you're wondering - who IS this glamorous, glorious left hand lane for?

*duh* It's for ME, dummy. I have left my wonderful, beautiful children in the care of their handsome, loving father for four days and I am in a HURRY to get where I'm going.

Don't let the outside appearance of the Volvo station wagon fool you, people. Despite the capacity to carry the entire contents of my closet in the back, this car will FLY. Or, it would, if you would just GET OUT OF MY WAY. No matter that I have a license plate that says "MYTWINS;" in my mind, that's a NASCAR-worthy big old number painted on the back, and I'm ready to DRIVE. FAST.

If only you'd get out of my way.