Alice's Funeral

Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.

I wish I could say I made that up. A friend told me that several years ago and it stuck with me. If things went according to my plans I would be Earl Stanley Gardner (who happens to be dead), in which case, I wouldn’t be in this quirky family of mine of which I have grown quite fond; and if I wasn’t here, then they would all be dead of starvation because I’m the only one who knows how to cook.

While pursuing life according to my agenda, God knocked me off track to land me here, which to make a long story short, I have come to conclude is a better place than where I was planning to go.

Life never happens according to our plans.

My friend Mindy’s mother has lived a full and exciting life. Alice served in World War II in the Women’s Army Corps. She and her late husband lived all over the world, including Iran, while raising four daughters. Now in her eighties, Alice is in a nursing home.

Last month, her children treated her to a New England cruise. The Sunday after she returned from the trip, Mindy went to pick up her mother, a devout Catholic, to go to Mass to find that she did not want to go. Alice, a woman who never missed Mass, did not need to go that Sunday. “God doesn’t mind if I don’t go. I’m going to see Him later on this afternoon.”

Mindy was both amused and upset with this news.

Alice went on to explain that the cruise was the last thing on her list of things she wanted to get done. Now she had done it all and she was ready to go and today was the day.

What do you say when someone tells you that they are going to die right after lunch?

The only thing Mindy could think of to say was, “Mom, you’re not going to die today. Now get ready, we’re going to Mass.”

Alice insisted that she didn’t have time to go to Mass because she was dying. “My funeral is going to be Tuesday at Rachel’s house.” (This was news to Mindy’s sister.)

Mindy argued that her mother was not going to die that afternoon and that her funeral couldn’t be on Tuesday because she had to work that day. “Mom, we’ll tell you when you’re going to have your funeral,” she was surprised to hear herself say.

Well, Alice did not go to Mass, nor did she die after lunch. Now what was she going to do? She had done everything she had planned to do with her life. What else did she have to look forward to except her funeral?

At her request, her daughters held her “funeral” for her the next Sunday, even though she failed to earn it by dying beforehand.

Unsure of whether to laugh or cry, Alice’s family gathered together at Rachel’s home, where she met with each of her children and grandchildren alone to have their last words together before she passed on, which she insisted would be before the end of the party. Since she didn’t die the Sunday before according to her plan, then she was going to do so at her daughter’s home while surrounded by her family. This was exactly the way she wanted to go.

It was a poignant get together filled with both laughter and tears as each daughter recalled the exciting life of her mother, who was enjoying her own funeral from a rocking chair in the corner of the family room.

After meeting with each member of her family, they waited for the final moment which would mark Alice’s departure to heaven where she would meet her husband who was waiting on the other side…and they waited…and waited.

Eventually, the punch melted, food was gone, and the guests started getting restless. Mindy and her sisters struggled to keep the funeral goers entertained with more stories from their mother’s life.

While Alice continued to rock in her chair in the corner, the guests found themselves staring at her in search of a sign, some sign, that she was ready to go. After all, they had done all they could do. They were having her funeral. Everyone was there dressed in black. They were serving her favorite food, including caviar. At this point, there was nothing more within the confines of the law that they could do to help her.

Some of the older grandchildren were uncertain of they should take a vacation day from their jobs to continue waiting for Grandma to die, which she swore was going to happen, or go on to work. How do you tell your boss that you can’t come in because you can’t leave the funeral of your grandmother, who happens to still be alive, but she says she will be dead any minute? How do you tell Grandma that you can’t wait for her to die any longer because you have to go to work?

Clearly, while dying at her daughter’s house during her funeral was Alice’s plan, it was not God’s.

The hour grew late and it was time to take her back to the nursing home. Mindy was elected to give Alice the bad news that she was not dead yet. “Mom, it’s time for us to take you back to the nursing home.”

“But I’m going to die and I want to do it here.”

“Mom,” Mindy gently explained, “it’s late and your funeral is over. We can’t wait for you to die any longer. Everyone needs to go home. They have to go to work tomorrow.”

“So I’m not going to die today?” Alice asked.

“I don’t think so.”

Alice snatched up her cane and rose from her rocking chair. “Rats! I can’t even die according to my own schedule.”