Ruffles, and wings, and thongs! Oh my!

I was up to seventy-three before I lost count. A lone woman standing in the feminine hygiene aisle looking for the same kind of--What do they call it?- protection- that I bought last month. It was overwhelming and my eyes were glazing over; my head spinning. I couldn't believe there were as many pad options as there seemed to be.

There were.

To whit: I can not only get pads, but pads with wings and pads with wings that flex and pads with wings with Velcro. If I don't want pads with wings (perhaps I have a phobia after seeing that movie "The Birds") , I can get pads with ruffles (...for my more feminine-yet-formal pad needs...). I can get pads for thongs (which I assume are not pads for my shower shoes). I can get pads in petite sizes or plus sizes. Funny, I had always assumed there were some things that didn't grow no matter how much weight you gained; apparently I was mistaken.

There are "hospital-style" pads that protect "all four walls" (where ever they are) and in the future I will always think of this pad when I hear the term "padded-room".

The choices seemed to be multiplying even as I stood in the feminine hygiene aisle perusing the pads. Do I want the pads that are thin yet long. Furthermore, is the right long thin pad, the super long thin pad, the maxi long thin pad or the overnight long thin pad with baking soda? And why baking soda? Why not basil?

My needs and choices didn't end with the pads themselves. I needed a pad with a carrying case. A little wrap described as discreet; that looks like it could only contain exactly what it contains. Some cases even open silently ("Shhhh!" Is printed on the package.) For special evenings when I will be opening my pads in quiet theatres, I suppose. This is also explained in French and Spanish; apparently the French and Spanish open pads in quiet theatres, too.

As I stood transfixed, staring at all my options, I wondered if they really had exhausted every possible pad permutation. Have the preeminent people in pads really given this enough thought? Is the next winged-wonder just over the horizon? Next month when I can't find the same pad I bought this month--And I assure you I won't be able to--Will I find a collectable pad instead? When I'm gazing over the sea of pastel packages will it be the Franklin Mint Collectable Pad that catches my attention? And if it does will I choose pads with images of state birds, Star Trek scenes or Elvis?

Or perhaps what grabs my eye will be the I.D. Pad with a clear slot for my picture ID. A pad with no wings but lots of Velcro so I can wrap it around my upper arm to display my identification. We live in a time of increased security, and according to the pad packaging, nothing makes you feel more secure than the right pad.

The packages all note I should always carry a pad to be prepared. What would make me more prepared than pre-printed business card logo pads? If someone hands me their card, I could hand them mine. Better yet, I could Velcro it to them.

Since I am to carry my pads at all times just to be safe; why not glow-in-the-dark pads? Bound to be convenient if my car breaks down at night and I need to flag down another vehicle.

I found myself musing what will be next? How about Nursery Rhyme pads (with microchips that play kiddie songs) for those times when your two-year old is driving you crazy in the express grocery aisle? Or is the newest twist going to be an optional face-plate for my Shhhh! pad wrap cover thing? Do I want a Sponge Bob Square Pants pad cover plate? Perhaps a retro martini-themed one? Or maybe I will go for the souvenir-themed cover that has a Mall of America "You are here" map on it.

It's hard to get my mind around the plethora of pads. It's harder to imagine perfectly normal people brainstorming for new pad-ideas. I am, however, certain that in a top secret facility somewhere in the desert Southwest, lab-coated technicians are discussing it at this very moment. And I am equally convinced that at that top secret facility the feminine hygiene companies are helping the government manage nuclear waste. No one, but no one--not even the Nuclear Regulatory Agency--fights leaks with the gusto of the pad people.

My musings were interrupted when a pale, dazed woman asked, "Ever tried these?" Shoving a pink package at me.

"Probably, but for the life of me, I have no idea." I told her.

She sighed and said, "Me either." And after giving me a weary, knowing look, she shuffled off to dental care.

At least now I know when I'm standing in the feminine care aisle I'm not the only woman who feels like a crow in a room full of shiny things. It's not only me that doesn't know where to look and each pad really is clamoring for my attention. I know, now, that I'm not in this alone.

In the future I plan to send my thirteen year old son to the store to get them. Where as I stand in that aisle agonizing over my options I have no doubt that he will have no trouble choosing. He will grab the package closest to the door and beat feet getting out of there. And I'm sure what ever one he gets will work out just fine.