Are You a Designated Daughter? Tell Us and Receive a Free Book!

My mom is taking care of my grandma right now. She is a designated daughter. When she is older I will be honored to do the same!

I'm as designated daughter as I am an only child. My mom is taking care of her mother at the moment, and I will definitely love to take care of her as well. She's my best friend, and she lives at the beach as an added bonus. :)

I was the designated daughter because I was her only child and she was an unremarried widow of WWII. My mother passed in 1997 but we had been preparing through nine years of cancer resistance.

Here's a poem I wrote the morning of the day she died. We'd been on Hospice watch for only 8 days.

TO MOTHER

Frail bird
Tethered by the air you breathe.
Bruised and battered by the storms
of life and death.
I feed and smooth blankets
read and wash and weep.
I would take you to the window
Hold you up with trembling hands
Sing a bon voyage and watch you fly.

Sandra F.
March 28, 1997

My dad had heart surgery in January and things went quite badly afterwards. He spent about 8 weeks in and out of a coma. Because of my work schedule I was the designated day shift for bedside sitting. The nurses always let us help with things and I learned so much about post-operative care, sometimes I didn't need to ring them, I could fix things myself.

On Valentine's Day, I was allowed to see my dad's heart because they were unable to close his chest for several days so it was visible under a dressing. It sounds awful, but to see that beating heart gave us hope and it was a gift we all needed. Later, at the rehab, days meant therapy so I got to watch, participate and encourage that part of the recovery.

Now we go to doctors' appointments and out to lunch sometimes, I tote his walker around and remind him to take his pills. Sometimes I think I act more like a parent than a kid (OK I am 45, but still, everyone needs their dad).

One day, I'm sure I'll be, as I am the only daughter to my parents, but that time has not yet come, and I hope it doesn't for a long time to come.

Last year my Mom was diagnosed with a fast growing Lung Cancer. I was fortunatly able to fly home to Minnesota to help take care of her after the chemo started to take it's evil effects on her body.
To see her so vulnerable, in needing so much help. It breaks my heart still to think about it, but I am so glad that I was able to be there with her. To love her through it all, to help in all the ways I could.
She lost her battle with cancer, the day after Christmas - but the time we spent together was wonderful, unmeasurable.

I was the only DTR with one brother. I was the designated dtr taking care of Dad before he passed........(i would do it again in a heartbeat)

I was the designated granddaughter when my grandma developed dementia. I was a senior in high school, and quit my job and moved in with her to take care of her anytime I wasn't at a school function. My mom worked nights, so she stayed with her during the day while I was at school, and if I had anything extra to do, my little sister stayed with her. My grandma had 5 kids, but everything always seemed to fall to my mom and my sister and me, instead of my aunts and uncles. None of my other siblings (I have 4 older ones) or my cousins helped at all either. One aunt took her to doctor's appointments, but my mom, my little sister or I did pretty much everything else.

Yep, that would be me. I was the youngest of six, and I left home at 18 to go to school in California. Within 6 months, Mommy needed me home to take care of her. None of the others could be bothered at the time, because they all had their own families to raise, and I was the "available" one. I never did get my teaching degree, but that has been a blessing in disguise, as I really fell in love with nursing.

I am definitely a "Designated Daughter". My wonderful mother is almost eighty-two, and though still very clear minded, physically she needs a lot of care. She lives in our home, and I make sure that she gets all the love, care and attention that she needs.

I am always the one to take care of the elderly in our families. We moved my husbands Grandfather in with us when he was no longer able to take care of himself. We cared for him for 7 years in our home until he died. He was on oxygen all the time and his mind was fading in and out. It was a difficult task but still very rewarding. He taught me love, patience, devotion, and compassion. I bathed him, cried with and for him as well as saw to his everyday needs.

I also spent three weeks in a motel taking shifts with the family when my mother in law was dying of cancer in a hospital bed. I took the night shift so the others could sleep. It seems that the night time is when she would get the worst and it was always on my watch. I read scriptures to her and held her hand even after she went into a coma.

This is no uncommon for me and my husband. We are always the one who cares for the sick in our families. When we purchased our new home, we made sure it had an extra bedroom and bath for our aging parents.

Thankfully we had hospice care for my mom, she died of cancer that took months to take her. My sisters and I sat with her day and night. We helped bathe and change her, fed her, and talked or wathced tv with her, even thought she didn't know who we were. It was hard and death came slowly. there were no moments of joy no shared smiles no talks. we just tried to make her as comfortable as possible and make sure she was NEVER alone.

i would be the daughter, i am the only one so i get the challenges of caring for my parents. I too bought a bigger house with extra space when that time comes.

For my mom, no, that would be my older sister. She was always my mom's favorite, and they get along better. As a result, I am sure she will be the Designated Daughter, the truth is I am grateful it isn't me.

My mother did this for her mother and, as niece for several of her mother's siblings. I was backup for her with these people. I'm now doing this for my parents.

I would love to review this book. My mom is 85 and we share what ever moments we can together.

I would love to review this as I am the Designated Daughter for my momma.

We moved back home to help my folks when my dad was dying of cancer in 2001. Now my mom is 79, and she is glad to have us living here. Her and I spend a lot of time together , going out to lunch, playing Scrabble, and even playing the Wii - she loves it!

WOW, I was affraid to come to this article because I am less than a month away from the 1 year anniv. of my mothers passing. Just looking at the title made me tear up and start to cry- again. I am not sure how I am going to handle the Ann. of her death. My brother moved in with her to take care of her (She suffered from MS for many years, my father had left her about 8 months before and she lived with my Aunt while getting "better" from heart break.) they both moved closer to me in Texas. She kept getting sicker and sicker, it wasnt the MS, but it ended up being Pancreatic Cancer, I spent 2 weeks in Dallas with her at the hospital while she got a major surgery on her stomach. My Aunt flew in when she was going home, stayed a month, then had to go home for a short time for her kids. About 3 weeks after my Aunt left, my brother called me to say something had gone bad over night. I packed some clothes, went over there and he was right. She went from being able to walk to the bathroom, drink milkshakes, and talk to gone in 4 days. It was a great thing that we were both with her for her last 4 days, we kept her home because it was one of her only dying wishes. She was in both of our arms when she passed away. When she took that last breath, we did everything for her, and she loved us back. I would not take back those horrific days for anything. As much as it hurts to have watched her go that, as much sadness rains in my heart to think of her in all of that pain, as much as it pained us to have had to go through that, we both would have not had it any other way. She was in a room FILLED with love and careing kids watching over her last breath.

I would look forward to reading your book, and crying with it.

Oh, I wanted to mention that my mother was only 57 years old when she passed away. I am the youngest and at the tender age of 28, I had to go through what should have waited another 30 years atleast.

Everything I know about being a woman, I learned from my mother. When I was a little girl, she had a full-time job while she went to school to finish a second degree. No matter how busy she was, she still found time to come home and cook dinner for us.

She was also always there for us when we were ill. I remember how she'd hold my hand and tell me how she wished she could take away my pain.

About ten years ago, it was my mother who became ill ' that day all children dread had arrived. You see she had a major stroke and the one that had always been there for us was the one now needing our help.

She was dangerously ill and to make matters worse, she had lost her memory too. I remember walking into the hospital from work, fearing the worst. When I saw my mom on the stretcher, unconcious and helpless, it made me wish I could take away her pain.

This was the day I also realized that I had suddenly become the designated daughter. Nowhere in my college or graduate education did I learn what to do when my mother burst into tears during a discussion . Or how to be patient when she realized she had lost her vocabulary and had to learn how to speak again. Nor did anyone tell me how to handle the emotions that would accompany seeing my mother fall and not being able to ever get up again , getting whisked away by EMTs,and ultimately watching her struggle with a walker..and finally watching her learn to rely on me. We should all have required courses in gerontology. Then at least we might not be shocked and scared when the parent who once seemed strong and smart and capable . . . isn't. I know about broken hips, hearing aids, orthopedic shoe, walkers, and physical therapy.

What I don't know is where my mom went, or even who she was before the words that might enlighten me disappeared. I know she loved me, and I guess that will have to do.

I guess I just missed the cut off date for posting but thought I would go ahead anyway. I am a designated daughter. I am an only child to a mother and father (divorced) who have both had massive strokes. My dad's was a long time ago but mom's was just a year and a half ago. She has many disabilities including aphasia (a communication disorder that makes it very difficult for her to get her point across and many times the stuff that comes out of her mouth doesn't make any sense).
This can be a very lonely place but she has not only been my mother all of these years but she's also been my best friend. Losing her as she once was has been very difficult and I've mostly not dealt with the emotions because I'm too busy being strong. She deserves that! She deserves the best of everything and that includes the best part of me!

Even though we live very far apart (after never even living in separate states for more than a few months) I talk to her every day. I fly out and take care of her/visit with her every few months for 3-4 weeks at a time. I am a caregiver, I am her power of attorney. I am the 29 year old daughter of the 55 year old woman who has been reduced to child-like qualities. This woman, my mother, has always been the pillar of strength for everyone around her through her whole life. She's always been independent since a very young age because she had to be and now she can not do things for herself. It's devistating to see how it's broken her soul. I would give ANYTHING to make her better, to heal her.
Currently we are trying to find a way for her to live with us if she chooses to do so. Her insurance will not transfer out here and you have to be on Social Security Disability for 2 years before they will put you on Medicare. With the market the way it is we can't even sell our home to move out to her.
We just keep trying to move forward each day with a positive attitude. Many of my days and nights are spent doing research on new treatments for stroke patients and anything that might help aphasia.
Even with all the problems and deficits she has now, she still has the loving and caring way about her that's she's always had. She still wants to give and I think that's part of what frustrates her the most.
I will always be there for her just as she's always been there for me but now I suppose I need to find someone who can be there for me. This has been a very lonely last year and a half.

I took care of my mom from the time she had a nervous breakdown when i was 10 until I had children, about 25 years. Then my sister and I shared the responsibility until she died.

I am a designated daughter as well. My Mom moved in with us when her health started to decline. It apparently runs in the family, my Grandmother is a designated daughter to, the only child in her family out of 4 that has taken care of her mother.

oops...too late... oh well...guess I'll have to buy my own

been there, done that, got the t-shirt.... took care of Ross' mom for 5+ years ... harder to NOT be the caregiver than it is to actually do it, though, I think ... my Dad needs care now... but his second wife doesn't want my help. It's more frustrating than anything I ever went through with Doris.

Too bad I am too late. My mom is a designated daughter to my grandma. I cannot believe all the sacrifices she has been doing for her mother.

((( My Mom has 4 daughter's...we will all be designated one day...I only wish the 'grace of God' would bless me to take care of my Mom...She is my best friend )))

I too missed the cut off date but would like to post a comment.

I worked for an agency that supported the elderly in their home care and such. I saw the behind the scene working of so many designated daughters taking care of their mothers. Whats sad is when the tables turn and the mothers are taking care of their aging daughters.
I was one of 5 designated daugthers many years ago in taking care of our mom prior to her passing. That was 24 years ago when I was 24 years old. But it wasnt just when I was 24, we took care of my mom for the previous 12 years before she died. Sometimes I wish I had been older and more wiser because now that I have worked for an agency for the aging there would have been so much more that could have been done for her.
So if you have an aging loved one that needs help there are alot of support groups out there.. and agencies that can help. You dont have to do it all alone.



Thank you Christine M. for having such a wonderful offer to people! It is so needed!

My mom was a saint....taking care of my Grandfather on Dad's side, Then her own Mom, then her step-Dad.......I dont know how she did it, but remembering taking care of my Dad, we do it out of love. I was the one with him as he breathed his last, everyone else didnt make it in time.......I will always be glad he wasnt alone, even though he was unconscience, the nurses said he knew i was there.

I can relate, my father recently passed away and I never left his side during his last days. His last wish was not to be alone when he died and I honored that wish for him. I crawled up into his bed and whispered in his ear and held his hand as he left this life. It was both an awful yet beautiful experience. My fathers last words were" I finally know what love is and it's too late". " I said daddy it's never too late to know love". He then said " I love you" and closed his eyes.

I'm not but I know for a fact my mother and cousins are.

I am the designated daughter of a remarkable woman. She will be 96 in Sept., reads the Wall Street Journal every day, has every brain cell she was born with, plus all the ones she has accumulated in her 95 years. Her physical condition is simply awful with macular degeneration, advanced osteoarthritis, polymyalgia rheumatica and all the symptoms and pain that go with these conditions. Yet, every time she opens her mouth, it's with something pleasant to say and with a smile on her not so wrinkled face (swollen from the prednisone). I live a mile away from the home I grew up in and where she still resides. Only in the last 6 months have we hired someone to help her during the days. She still stays alone at night, gets up with her walker right by the side of the bed, and wears one of those "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up" necklaces.

We've had ER visits for pain, numerous doctor appts., etc., etc. She will probably live to be 100 and as much as I love her, I have such mixed emotions about being the "designated daughter" As someone once said, "getting old is not for sissies". That is certainly true...for the Mother AND the Daughter.