With the yearly tinkle of Christmastime silver bells comes the plaintive whine of the Constitutionally impaired denizens of sweet memories, patrons of long ago when America knew God’s place. Never mind such halcyon days ever existed. In sympathy and to amuse our wounded rightwingnuts let us give a present: Imagine Christmas at the Courthouse.
Even our RWNs agree there should be fairness, particularly while giving preference to America’s only TRUE religion, Christianity. Ergo every breed of denomination should receive an equal spot on the courthouse lawn. So start with the Catholics. How many churches? Saint Ann’s, Anthony’s Bartholomew, and a half a dozen other on down the alphabet. Plus all the Holy Family, Holy Father, Holy Ghost and the like. Then we have the Latin Catholic Churches. So plan on many large, haloed and competing Nativity scenes plus a few mariachi bands, a pipe organ, several choirs and many Christs impaled on the cross brooding over all. Nuns and priests galore.
Of course we have Greek and Russian Orthodox with lots of candles, icons, incense and chants, beards and square hats.
Now into Lutheranism. We have the standard Lutherans, Reformed, Evangelical etc, They get space too, plus some guitars and another organ for good measure for the hourly “A Mighty Fortress is Our God.”
Let’s not forget the gay loving Episcopalians and their conservative brothers, Anglicans. Put them on OPPOSITE sides of the lawn. Need a few chairs for the string orchestra and Bach. Maybe various breeds of Methodists can share space with the Presbyterians if all promise good behavior and swear to Virgin Birth. Add several more choirs.
Now the fun begins: Evangelicals. The 1st Baptist, 2nd Baptist, Calvary Baptist, Missionary Baptist, Hope Baptist, Cross Timbers Baptist, Eternal Salvation or Damnation Take Your Pick Baptist. Will need lots of power for sound systems, heated baptismals, grand pianos, pipe organs, LOTS of choirs, and stadium seating. Plan on a several “live” Nativities plus real people tied to a cross in shifts. (You know, put Christ back in Christmas.) Plan on donkeys, sheep, camels, doves and others. We have Bible Baptists, General Baptists, Independent Baptists, Southern, American, and “Free Will” Baptists. Each is stubbornly independent and broken off the stem. Each needs an EQUAL space,
On to the Pentecostals. What’s Christmas without a bit of miracle healing? Will need room for falling down in spiritual ecstasy, speaking in tongues and interpreters of such. And snakes. Don’t forget the snake dancing, charming, etc. Storage space for extra wheelchairs, crutches, eye patches, and a few snakebite kits for those who don’t TRULY believe. Plus choirs.
Then the in-between crowd. 7th Day Adventists, Assembly of God, Christian Churches, Nazarenes, Korean, etc., etc. And let’s NOT forget the Mormons and Jehovah’s Witness!
In a town of 100K there should be about 300 different churches. Each church considers itself the home of the TRUE faith, the correct dogma and the other dumps home to sinners on the way down. Each is compelled to enter the Mission Field and sway likely targets. So expect strife on the lawn. Increased police presence, crowd and riot control. Traffic issues. Excreta, Excreta, Excreta.
Christianity is a religion in chaos and division. The Founders recognized this and removed government from religion while still adhering to their PERSONAL beliefs. The wish of RWNs to erase the line between state and religion is lunacy and failed representation for taxpayers who DON’T believe. The fragmented expression of “Christianity” is best left where it belongs; at the pulpit, in the church on private, NOT public, property. “Render unto Caesar things are Caesar’s and unto God things that are God’s.”
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Comments: 21
Merry Christmas and God Bless You.
You forgot the "secular extremists" -- but they have to fly low or Bush will send them to the big new and improved GITMO. Other than that, a wonderful article.
Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, Felice Navidad, Happy Happy Grinch, Good Kwanza -- there are so many more -- we are so diverse. Oh, yes, happy christian hunting, ACLU. Can't leave them out. Oh, and I don't think you mentioned the christian zionists -- Shalom, baby jesus?
Why ever do you think Sam hates christians. I didn't read an ounce of hate here at all. I hear dry wit and satire. Not everyone believes in christ; and why ever should they change their minds? A good many of the humans on this earth do not believe in christ. Does that mean they're haters, bad, doomed to go to "your" hell? I don't think so.
I hope you celebrate and enjoy your religious holiday in whatever manner you choose -- and that you will choose not to accuse those who don't agree with your choice of religion of hatred.
I don't know, Sam, whether you've been a good boy or not -- making all these mistakes. A chorus is going to reign down from on high and pronounce you "baaad" and you're not going to get any presents.
Speaking of presents -- go see AstroGirl.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/us/18episcopalcnd.html?_r=1&hp&ex=1166418000&en=a1fe4a482d7c15a4&ei=5094&partner=homepage&oref=slogin
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/us/17episcopal.html?ei=5087%0A&em=&en=ed559000e01cc756&ex=1166590800&pagewanted=print
Two large and influential Episcopal parishes in Virginia voted overwhelmingly today to leave the Episcopal Church and to affiliate with the Anglican Archbishop of Nigeria, a leader in a church-wide fight against homosexuality.
The presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church, Katharine Jefferts Schori, said in an e-mail response to a request for an interview that such splits reflect a polarized society, as well as the "anxiety" and "discomfort" that many people feel when they are asked to live with diversity.
"The quick fix embraced in drawing lines or in departing is not going to be an ultimate solution for our discomfort," she said.
Soon, Bishop Jefferts Schori herself will become the issue.
p.s.: Love the hat!
Adele, Adele. I do not hate Christians. I believe they are and should be free to worship as they please on PRIVATE property. My article was to point out the cacaphony ensuing if RWNs get their wishes. There is a practical side of church vs state. I know many, many FINE people who believe in Christian dogma of many different stripes. They don't agree with each other and that's the point.
As I see it, the problem is NOT the diversity of Christianity. The problem is that one specific element -- conservative fundamentalists -- has co-opted the word "Christian" as their own and do not consider the more liberal denominations (the Congregationalists and Christian Unitarians, for example) "real" Christians.
I don't have a problem with all Christians. Just some of them.
Clarke,
Bishop Jefferts Schori should have at the very least an immediate plan for downsizing -- and a backup plan for bishopping.
Didn't we have that drummed into our heads from our elementary school days; but now, those of us who want to keep it that way are accused of persecuting the christians when [they] a relatively small minority are in fact putting their zealous hands all over the constitution and the bill of rights and massaging the life right out of them.
What a ridiculous line. Self projection at its worse.
~~~ The fragmented expression of "Christianity" is best left where it belongs; at the pulpit, in the church on private, NOT public ~~~
Christian adherents in the New Testament were commanded to pray 'in their closet' (that is, private rooms at home). They conducted church services in homes, not in huge institutions or before the governor of Jerusalem or the Roman senate. While evangelizing was commanded, the Bible does not give examples of such practices taking place in governmental institutions.
If Jesus was around today, He would agree with Madison and Jefferson by saying that church activities are to done at home outside of government institutions. Of course, Jesus did not celebrate Christmas but that's another story.
If it turns out there really is a capital-G GOD out there, there is going to be a whole hella lot of shocked 'christians' come judgement day.
Excellent article.
Loved your article and humor!
Adele G.,
Wanting separation of church and state is protection for the religion as well as the secular! It is damaging and potentially destructive to tie the two together as the Catholic church learned centuries ago. To attempt to say that someone who promotes separation of church and state "hates Christ" or Christianity is almost funny except I believe you actually mean it! Besides, that would certainly end the concept of this being a "Christian nation" per the founding fathers as they would be defined as "Christ haters" by your definition!
Amen, Brother Sam.