Just Spinning things in expressions cause don't know what else to do.

I was going to write something but just spinning off the top as I go.    They said once the numbness wore off, the crying would start and it has,  3-7 times a day out of the blue for thousands of reasons.    I wake up with tears streaming down my face.  A word, a picture,  a scent, a song, a t.v show,  everything sets us off.

No help much from counseling, the times and places to far for our budget and or wrong time for our schedule.  We will try and go next month to compassionate friends.   The first meeting we missed October 12th as we had JUST got back from Bible camp and were exhausted and now some of us are sick with sore throats, coughs and fatigue.

Poor baby Andrey is teething cutting 4 molars at once, he saw the dentist yesterday.

One good things is the people who were staying here now have gone to another place and they did help house sit and care for the animals while we were gone.   My son is hunting I hope he gets his deer.  It will help.     We celebrated Halona's 7th birthday yesterday she got everything she hoped for except one and that was Gerrin being with us.   She cried for her brother.   She misses him but she is calmer since we went to Bible Camp but she writes notes daily to him and draws him pictures.  She hugs Bear Bear and so do the other kids.   Andrey is learning more words now and he is trying to be a big boy.   He looks everyday at Gerrin's picture and won't go to sleep unless he can see it at bedtime.

Other things piling up too,  Lots of financial things beyond what we have or can get.  Medical needs, putting off as no money to take care of it at all.   Car problems and other mechanical failure problems of machines and all needing fixed now before winter or winter is going to take a further toll on health and well being.

Legal problems and looks like they are going to get worse.  Is there NO end to the grief and sorrow and trials put on us.   Not to mention religion, church leaders and their callousness,  not allowing fellowship at one place and the other we attend stating they cannot help or allow a fund raiser but yet they have for others?????

We have things to sell but everybody and his brother want something for nothing.

Anyone know someone who wants a 1964 Commander Studebaker wagon for  a project car.  Yup it runs,  needs new interior and floor boards and a few dings taken out and minor carb work and front oil seal,  new tires and hoses.  But it really runs.

Tried the classic car and vintage car places they only want to give $500 yet they all say how RARE it is to find one. We talked to three collectors who drooled and said it is so rare and probably could get $2500 for it, one said $3500.  Right could not even get an offer of $700.00 tried and tried.  Only got offers for $300 or $500 not enough.    Most have been crushed and gone.    It is rare it is fixable probably take $2500-$3500 to get in mint condition maybe a bit more.   But they only want to pay $500 yet when fixed they can get $25,000 to $45,000 for it.   I guess we will have to take what we can get not enough for tires though need $650 for winter tires.   That is not going to help with fixing the generator or pay attorneys or fix my Jeep either or countless other things and my washing machine is wearing out, second hand going to cost $150 -250 I do have a wringer washer might have to use it brrrr in the winter.

Also my Fibromyalgia has flared up again big time and lots of pain and soreness and fatigue but have to keep going anyway.  Hot tub spa at the YMCA has helped some and hot baths at home, but not getting the rest I usually need.  I am the child care provider so the others can do the other work needing done and we keep hoping the snow does not come yet.

Hey God are you listening at all?    Do you care because seems the more we pray and ask the more you seem to allow more burdens of hurt and sorrow and grief and problems.

I don't know why I don't understand and we are just struggling to keep afloat at all.   Missing Gerrin, and crying and trying to make sense of life and living.  At least we have the YMCA membership for one year.   Going to at least go to that as it is only 13 miles away.   We have each other and some of the flack has ceased not all but some.   But the memories are there daily and always will be and we miss seeing a little boy laughing and another baby boy cries when his sisters have to go out and do chores and he is soooo lonesome now.   No one to play with him.  Poor baby misses his brother so much.    Feast was great he loved the other boys his brothers age but we live too far out  for him to play with or see other kids much.   But maybe the YMCA will help with that some.    Thanks for your prayers.   I don't know when I will be really fully back.   Some days seem good.  But winter is coming and we have so much to do still and so little time and even less money.   We need a break and a miracle.   Well catch you later.

Well today is the 15th,  in four days it will be two months without our Little Man Our Gerrin Boy and it feels like it has been a million years.  Heaven is too far away and forever is a long time.   So is someday.   But we have no choice but to go on and yet we don't know how we keep doing it though anyway.   It is not just losing Gerrin it is everything else too piling up making things a 1000% worse.   So that is where we are living one minute, one hour, one day at a time.   Hoping, wishing and praying for miracles and relief from so much at once.  Maybe the snow won't come too soon.

Thanksgiving is coming and I don't even feel like celebrating this year.   But it will be at hour house and I have help so guess we will plan it anyway.