This concept I have mastered, but shouldn't the truck be running her over? I guess it works both ways. I particularly like the gaping maw of the trailer with the haphazard swinging door. Brought a smile to my face.
My wife needed a scape goat for a child hood trauma. I filled that need quite well. But for many years I tried to fill her needs for love and often she would think I was manipulating her. I still hurt.
Very true. Sometimes I wish I could help people, but theres only so much you can do. People have to figure things out themselves, as much as we wish we could sometimes.
Maybe if others knew you want to help except it is counter productive, Haim, — but then we explain to kids "I'm doing this for your own good" and that doesn't take either.
This is a good follow for one of last week's bytes. Anyway, there is always a need. And, needs change. Besides, your need(s) will never be taken care of if you leave it up to someone else to do. Then, who is going to take care of somebody else's needs if they are busy taking care of yours. This can go on-and-on-and... Volumes have been written on the subject, so I'll stop there. Have a good day, and take care of yourslef [only].
If you think that, Sarah, then it's probably not probably. :)
One of the things I love about Bytes is that certain ones just resonate with me at certain times. People have told me they read a Byte and it didn't connect with them. Then they read it six weeks later and it was spot-on to what was going on in their life.
Only WE know what we truly "need". I think there is a fine line between trying to fill someone elses needs and just being supportive. The former is often counter-productive. I think the latter is often appreciated more by the person in need, thus helping them to be more self-sufficient and perhaps a bit stronger as an individual. This is a real good one, John. Thanks!
I agree if you are speaking about adults. On the other hand, a baby whose diaper needs changing or a bottle...that need is quickly filled by an alert parent who doesn't like the sound of a crying baby. Of course, babies are often rather adept at getting their needs fulfilled, even before they speak....and maybe even BETTER at it before they speak. ;)
This was such a good one, John, especially with all the attention kids get today, with parents trying to fulfill their needs...when sometimes I think it is good to let both kids and adults find their way and their own answers....although a wise and supportive parent (one who listens and watches) can be very helpful.
I note that only because when I needed my parents to be there after a terrible break-up with a boyfriend in high school, they could not erase the pain or make me strong but they could let me know that their love was unwavering and that fulfilled certain needs at the time. Maybe I am over thinking this one ;)
Also, while I really don't believe any person can fulfill another person's needs completely, I do believe that the way we treat babies and children can either aggravate their neediness or calm it. I write that from the perspective of a parent who adopted a 5 year old and found certain needs seemed to exist because of a lack of nurturing. So I think we can't fulfill others' needs but we can create or aggravate neediness. The cold, distant parent can create a needy or cold child...etc. That sort of thing.
Jo — I am speaking of adults, and I like your comments about kids.
As I said above to Arleen "your responsibility is to expose them to experiences and model behavior. It's their responsibility to learn and take from that what they will."
You said "with all the attention kids get today, with parents trying to fulfill their needs."
I think many times the needs the parents are trying to fill are what they think their children's needs should be - or they are, in reality, filling their own needs.
And the concept of creating neediness in new to this comment thread and definitely another aspect of this Byte.
Definitely! You hit the nail on the head. That you just can't worry so much for other's that you put yourself on the back burner. Helping others is fine and dandy. But, you can't heal their every wound. And, trying to do so means that you wish everything to be perfect. Which it clearly will never be.
No we can't, but it still feels good to give. Most days.
My sister would have been better off if she had learned this thought-byte a long time ago; of course her doing so, would have made me much worse off. I love you sis.
Also remember, that many people have wounds they'd rather keep. WHile they say they want to solve them, they will actually (unconsciously) sabotage any attempt to do so.
That is also true John. Many tend to nurture their wounds until nothing is left of them but a hard shell. And, sabotage themselves unconsciously or otherwise. Bless you Robert.
And the person for whom we try only hates and fears us as we invade their wants and needs looking to fill a gap that is really a bottomless pit in their hearts and minds and cannot be filled because they constantly dig out the bottom every day of their lives. I have the t-shirt for trying once upon a time for someone I loved but was not loved, only used. I am thankful I escaped and hope others figure out their escape and act upon it.
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Why yes it is, Jennifer.
thank you for sheering
God Bless
come have coffee at the cafe
I appreciate you sharing that with us. Thanks.
You have a great day as well, sir or madam.
That is true, Wanda and, as we've discussed in other Bytes, some "needs" can never be filled.
That's another topic, although an important layer to this Byte.
The concept of "you being the need" is very intriquing. Thanks.
OK, Byters, there's something to chew on.
Interesting thought, Doc.
I'd say "needs" keep you from touching them so the speed doesn't matter so much, but I think you mean "accelerate" in a different sense.
(Oh, I need coffee if you guys are going to start thinking so early in the morning).
Vivian, you always bring something new to the Thought Party.
Thanks.
Because to not to requires facing something you'd rather not face, Dan.
(This may be true about anything we keep on trying.)
Love that phrasing, Chelsea.
I know, Tami, and it's such a bummer.
A never ending battle, Rony.
Key question to one layer of this Byte, Pat.
Maybe "join with codependence" is another way to phrase it.
(Hint: The real answer to your question is not "at the corner of Elm and Main.")
Well said, Arleen. And not any easy lesson to teach kids unless ... horrors ... you just model the behavior.
Larry, we're in tricky semantic waters here depending on the definition of "need."
I'd say you can help empower others and then they are more capable of dealing with the situation.
And — empowering and rescuing are also kissing cousins.
Ah, isn't life just a series of slippery slopes?
Thanks.
(We discussed this in an earlier Byte. When I finally get the index tags on all these Bytes we'll be able to cross-reference more easily.
It's on the list, right after "Finish 2007 Taxes.")
Djon, you hit on a key aspect of this Byte and a key aspect in the distinction between "needs" and "wants" alluded to above.
I like the way you phrased that.
Thanks.
The problem is that the East Coasters have a three-hour brain and caffeine jump on me.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Yes, most Bytes are interrelated and some just the same thing another way.
One of the things I love about Bytes is that certain ones just resonate with me at certain times. People have told me they read a Byte and it didn't connect with them. Then they read it six weeks later and it was spot-on to what was going on in their life.
By the way there is no easy way to learn these lessons. If it was easy there wasn't any learning.
It's their responsibility to learn and take from that what they will.
Thanks.
(I'd be inclined to say the former is always counterproductive.
This was such a good one, John, especially with all the attention kids get today, with parents trying to fulfill their needs...when sometimes I think it is good to let both kids and adults find their way and their own answers....although a wise and supportive parent (one who listens and watches) can be very helpful.
I note that only because when I needed my parents to be there after a terrible break-up with a boyfriend in high school, they could not erase the pain or make me strong but they could let me know that their love was unwavering and that fulfilled certain needs at the time. Maybe I am over thinking this one ;)
As I said above to Arleen "your responsibility is to expose them to experiences and model behavior.
It's their responsibility to learn and take from that what they will."
You said "with all the attention kids get today, with parents trying to fulfill their needs."
I think many times the needs the parents are trying to fill are what they think their children's needs should be - or they are, in reality, filling their own needs.
And the concept of creating neediness in new to this comment thread and definitely another aspect of this Byte.
Thanks for your thoughts.
That you just can't worry so much for other's that you put yourself on the back burner.
Helping others is fine and dandy. But, you can't heal their every wound.
And, trying to do so means that you wish everything to be perfect.
Which it clearly will never be.
My sister would have been better off if she had learned this thought-byte a long time ago; of course her doing so, would have made me much worse off. I love you sis.
Also remember, that many people have wounds they'd rather keep. WHile they say they want to solve them, they will actually (unconsciously) sabotage any attempt to do so.
That's different from rescuing.
And, sabotage themselves unconsciously or otherwise.
Bless you Robert.
Thanks.
That is the other side of this — the reaction toward us from the other person.
The old "drama triangle" in therapy: Persecutor/Victim/Rescuer and people often switch roles even during a transaction like a mother-father-child.