Thank You Gather Friends

Thank You Gather Friends

Last night I had one of those overpowering dreams that haunts you through out your day. I dreamed that I was still married to my second husband. During the dream he had gone somewhere and I kept saying over and over again. "Why hasn't he called me?" I could feel so much confusion and loneliness. I paced back and forth by the phone for an entire week during this dream wondering why my love had left me.

When I awoke this morning I couldn't shake the feelings from that dream. They alarmed me. What did they mean? How could I still feel any love for this man? The very man who raped me and brutally beat me. I knew how lucky I was to get out alive. He had threatened many times to kill me when he used to put his hands around my neck and actually start to follow through with his threat. Something, though, kept keeping him from completing his mission. The dream threw me into an acute state of anxiety that I can't shake off.

Today is really the first time I have crawled out from beneath my covers for a couple of days now. I had to because the discomfort of dreaming something like this scared the hell out of me. After going as long as I could without a cigarette, I threw on the minimum amount of clothes to run to the store in.

As I pulled to the end of my drive way I noticed a dog in the ditch. I jolted out and ran over hoping it wasn't too late to save it. But it was. He must have been hit just hard enough to throw him into our ditch and then die from internal injuries because I could see no gaping wounds. My heart sunk. I leaned over and petted the head of this beautiful creature of Gods as he lay there so peacefully. I was going to check his collar to see who he belonged to when the grief combined with my insuppressible anxiety overtook my body. Beside the road, on all fours, I heaved up what was left in my stomach from the night before. "Why did this have to happen to something so innocent?" I asked myself now crying loudly. I couldn't contain that pain that had been gnawing at me already for two days.

My dad seen me retching out of his front window and came running to me. He has never been one to show physical love with hugs but as he approached I wanted so desperately to reach up and grab on tight to him. Someone to comfort me from this pain in my gut that is now chasing me at full speed. As he approached, before I could react, he grabs my arm that is not in a cast and screams, "What have you done? Have you been cutting yourself again?" He quickly realizes I haven't so he continues on, "Have you overdosed again?" I couldn't take the anger emanating from him so I bound up and ran to the car and speeded off toward the store. I can't keep the tears from rushing down my face as I try to pull myself together long enough to go buy cigarettes. I get strange looks. I rush back home and decide to log onto Gather. I see all the published material from all my connections that I haven't had a chance to read and comment on yet and I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to miss any of them but I'm so far behind now. I'm such a slow reader too. I can't take anymore medicine for my anxiety or I will be pushing the limit. I don't want to go there. So I slowly venture into gather world just long enough for my anxiety and that pain, that they make no pain killers for, to subside a trifle bit. I have to stop, though, and call my therapist. I need to talk to her so badly. They tell me she's in court. So, I have to write before my chest explodes. I usually don't write in this kind of mood but this time if I don't I honestly think I will die. I have to get these feeling that are frightening me to death out somehow.

Of course my thoughts come to you. I think about all the shit I have written and that you have all graciously read. I smile. Now guilt has worked its way into my whirlwind of insurmountable emotions. I feel ashamed and guilty about how I've drug you, my friends, along with me in my sickness. Yet, here I go again. So I want to take the time to thank you and say I'm sorry.

I'm a spiritual person. I believe deeply in God. I know he exist for many reasons. There was the time I did swallow 20, 300mg pills of Lithium and he sent my mother to my door. She said she just had a gut feeling something wasn't right.

I feel his presence with me everyday. It is strong today because I haven't cut and I don't want to eat those pills again. It is him that gives me the strength to find my way to writing and to you. Were when I read your articles my anxiety and depression or delusions seem to wane somewhat. I go to church, but no, I'm not there every Sunday. Still I know he is here with me.

As I write this I want to express my sincere thanks to you all. I hope you will forgive me for taking you on another journey into my messed up mind. I can't express enough in words how much you all mean to me. So I got down on my knees and prayed from the very depth of my heart. The following is what I ask for you.

You have created us to live in community,

O God of love;

bless my Gather friends who provide me

with the grace and love of an extended family.

Endow them with the riches of your blessings:

good health and happiness,

that they may enjoy the wonders of your creation

and share their delight with others.

Guard them from injustice, oppression, and evil

that they may know freedom and hope lifelong.

In their waking and in their sleeping,

in their laughter and in their tears,

surround them with your love

until the end of their days;

and so bring them to eternal life in peace.

Through Jesus Christ, our Savior.

Amen.

God Bless each and every one of you!

Serina

P.S.

As I went to publish this on Gather my internet connection went down. It has been down all day. Even as I write this I wonder if it is some kind of sign that I shouldn't publish it. Or is it my paranoid mind playing tricks on me. I don't know. So I'll take the chance anyway when my internet comes back up. You will also see a poem I am going to publish along with this. I did not write it today. I wrote it about a month ago and decided against publishing it. Today it seemed to go hand and hand with what I was feeling and I decided to go ahead and post it.

Once again, thank you all!

Serina