Esther Perel joins us today to discuss Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. In her new book, Esther tackles the difficult questions facing many couples:
Can we want what we already have?
Why does the transition to parenthood so often spell erotic disaster?
Does good intimacy always make for good sex?
Perel’s book explores the notion that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women. Join us to discuss the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, share your stories and ask your own questions. Most importantly Esther will share her tips for what it takes to bring lust home.
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More About the Author
Esther Perel
A frequently referenced author, Ms. Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic was published last fall. Her 2002 essay, “Erotic Intelligence: Reconciling Sensuality and Domesticity,” was featured on the front cover of the Utne Reader and was included in the anthology, Best Erotic Writings 2004. She has written numerous articles and chapters about intermarriage, the families of Holocaust survivors, cross-cultural couples and cultural and religious identity.
Ms. Perel has been interviewed in leading publications such as The Washington Post, Tikkun, New York Magazine, The New Yorker, The Atlantic Monthly, The Observer, Vogue, Self, Salon.com, Health Parent and Working Woman, and has appeared on television programs including the Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, CBC News, Good Day New York , CNN This Morning, Women Aloud and CBS This Morning. She has also been a guest on popular radio shows such as The Brian Lehrer Show, Jim Richards, Dan Gresham and The Mancow Show.
Find out more: www.estherperel.com
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Comments: 36
I'm excited that you are here on Gather. I read your book in my book club and it resulted in one of the most interesting dialogues we have ever had. Thank you. I'm wondering at what point a couple should decide that therapy is not working for them?
Donna F. from NV asks: "I feel like my husband is more of a room mate than a partner. What simple things can we start to do that might kick start us out of this rut?"
What helps sometimes to disentangle from an overly familial feeling is to have conversations with our partner that we actually don't necessarily have in the family. Questions about desire, sexuality, sexual fantasy also do less purely management.inc with your partner and more of the things that remind you that he is not just a roommate.
At this time Mating in Captivity is coming out in 14 countries and I am doing a bit of a world tour. It seems I hit upon a spot of a conundrum that many couples in the West face these days. If I find a lot of interesting cross-cultural material this may lead me to the next book. Every society has its way of thinking about love, desire, fantasy, pleasure, marriage and so on.
Can you talk a little bit about the idea of "make-up sex"? Particularly how it can sort of refresh a relationship (at least for a little while) and actually be healthy for a couple?
So many reasons why people fear commitment. For some closeness comes with a fear of obliteration and a sense of loss of self, for others, the feeling of responsibility feels overwhelming, some of us experience love as a burden that stifles desire, some of us were not loved properly and we don't know how to give to others.
Romola from Seattle asks: "I just had my first baby and I feel like there is nothing left of me at the end of the day to offer my husband physically or emotionally. He is frustrated. I am frustrated. We have no family nearby for support. What can we do to remedy this? Things feel like they are unraveling."
In my 22 years as a couples therapist I have seen many couples who come back at various points, life-cycle changes, the most important of which are the addition and subtraction of new family members, ie birth and death. All couples have vulnerabilities that are more likely to reemerge at times of crisis and change. If you have a person you can go back to over the years it is great.
This is probably the most vulnerable moment in the life of a couple. Can you share with him that you miss him too rather than just vent that you are beat? That you hope to find a way back to him soon. Someitimes partners are more patient when they still feel wanted. If you are nursing then you must know that Oxytocin is a powerful desire inhibitor. It is the hormone that attaches you to your children and sometimes temporarily closes you off to your husband.
I've been married for five years, together for 8 years. We were much more adventurous and free-spirited when we were dating. Do you have any advice on recapturing some of that spontaneity?
I see that my answer did not get posted. In make-up sex our bodies express a vulnerability that our words often hide. It can be a powerful equilibriator. There are many ways to make up - making love is one of them.
Is there a way to overcome the social stigma of being willfully single, that is to say, why does society have such a hard time accepting that a person would rather be alone or enter into short-term relationships than go through the emotional and sexual motions with a partner for whom he has no underlying passion or devotion? Thoughts prompted most accutely by the Valentine's Day festivities around me...
Thanks,
-Morris
Why exactly is "hard to get" more appealing than "secure and stable"? My friends and I find that the nice guys do finish last a lot of the time. Why?
My book has pages filled to answer your question but let me throw out a couple of thoughts. What you are pointing at is how people are more carefree and willing to take risks in the beginning when the emotional stakes are lower contrary to how it would seem. Timidity often grows with intimacy. Novelty, playfulness and cultivating otherness and mystery and every act of your imagination are the essential ingredients of the erotic. It was never just spontaneous. There always was a plot, a sense of anticipation. That's what you want to recapture.
This follows my answer to Presh. What makes it dull is repetition, the lack of seduction, the settling for the easy and the routine. My 3 instant tghoughts are committed sex is premeditated sex, couples with a spark are willful and intentional. They plan and do so creatively. The planning can occur just in their head. Maintaining your own interests, friends, emotional space is key because fire needs air. People often describe moments of attraction when they are looking at their partner from a distance as a separate person.
Jim C. from OH asks: Sex with my partner has become incredibly predictable and boring. My partner does not want to "explore" other ways to spice it up. I'm wondering what I can do to make my frustrations known without hurting my partner's feelings.
Unavailable, uncertain fuels desire because it increases the wanting. For some people it is harder to want what they think they already have. Notice they think because we never really have or own a person like a pair of shoes. You are putting your finger on a hot spot that safe and secure stands as a paradox to hot and desirable. I talk a lot about that in my book. It has to do with autonomy, with the way that another person's vulnerability elicits care but not necessarily lust.
Ever thought about asking your wife to meet you in the office after hours? Can you start with that? the main thing is not to remind her each time she feels neglected that the food is important too. Find your ways to let her know she is special, don't just harp on why it is important for you to work. If you acknowledge her need she is more likely to recognize yours.
I recently broke up with my live-in boyfriend. I feel like what ultimately did us in was the normalcy of our relationship. We had been on and off for years, but before this recent breakup we had been in pretty good shape for about 6 months. We were no longer fighting or anything - we just WERE. That left us both (me especially) kind of bored. I'd get riled up over the littlest things just to see if I could get some reaction out of him.
Is this a problem with ME as far as needing that volatility in my relationships, or is it more common to everyone?
First of all you always have your own fantasy life to spice things up. It's limitless what can happen in the privacy of your mind. No need to share this necessarily. Second, think about spicing up not just as things you do in the bed, technically speaking. Perhaps your wife gets turned on more between her ears than between her legs in which case it is about her knowing your wanting of her. Can you start with that??
If you like it that way and it works for you who is to say there is only one model? when you live this way you don't benefit from the every day sharing on the other end you get the benefits of not having to share the everyday details. We need more than one model.