I was waiting on the checkout line at the hardware store the other day, when a man in front of me started yelling at his son, who was about six or seven years old. The boy had grabbed a candy bar, and his father asked him several times to put it back. Exasperated, the father finally yanked the candy out of the boy’s hand. “Why don’t you listen?” he yelled. “Why are you always so stupid?”
Most parents lose their tempers occasionally. But it’s important to remember that words are weapons that can cause lasting wounds, especially when wielded by parents against children. In fact, a Harvard study based on a survey of young adults concluded that the damage is sometimes more serious and lasting than injuries that result from beatings.
More than 500 people aged 18–22 who responded to an advertisement were asked whether their parents had ever yelled at them, sworn at them, insulted, threatened, or ridiculed them. Among those who reported no physical or sexual abuse, the researchers chose the 10% most often subject to this verbal abuse and compared them with other people the same age who did not report such abuse, who served as controls.
All the participants answered a series of questionnaires about symptoms of depression, anxiety, anger, and especially dissociative experiences — split consciousness, out-of-body sensations, a sense of unreality. They were also asked about symptoms typical of temporal lobe epilepsy, including transient hallucinations and automatic actions, as well as dissociative experiences.
All types of abuse — sexual, physical, and emotional (including verbal abuse and witnessing domestic violence) — raised the risk of depression, anxiety, dissociation, and epilepsy-like symptoms. Emotional abuse had as great an effect as the other kinds, and verbal abuse was a particularly strong risk factor for dissociative episodes and epilepsy-like symptoms.
The authors speculate that name-calling and threats cause stress that affects the development of vulnerable brain regions or serve as an unfortunate model for adult communication. The effects can be severe, they suspect, partly because verbal abuse may be more continuous and relentless than sexual or physical abuse.
The symptoms found in adults subject to childhood verbal abuse could also have genetic roots. Abuse of all kinds, including verbal, is more likely when a parent suffers from mental illness, and most psychiatric disorders have a genetic component. Furthermore, people with current psychiatric symptoms are more likely than others to report childhood maltreatment, but their memories are not necessarily reliable or objective. That means the findings in this study could be influenced by heredity and biased recall as well as the abuse itself.
In surveys, 63% of American parents admit that they have sworn at or insulted a child at some time. Parents should not be concerned that children will be traumatized by an occasional harsh or angry word. But the Harvard study suggests that when verbal abuse is constant and severe, it might lead to depression, anxiety and even post-traumatic stress disorder.
The study doesn’t suggest a solution, but perhaps the simplest one is to take a deep breath the next time you’re tempted to yell at your child—especially if you find yourself losing your temper on a regular basis.
Have you ever been subject to verbal abuse? If you have children, what have you found helpful to avoid losing your temper with them?
Dr. Michael Miller has been on staff of the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, a large teaching hospital in Boston, for more than 25 years. He is also an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
Mental Health Letter
The field of mental health is rapidly evolving, and whether your interest is professional or personal, staying informed about these mental health issues is no easy job. The Harvard Mental Health Letter is a source of mental health news you can trust—and it comes directly from the more than 8,000 doctors and researchers at Harvard Medical School.
Are you Living With Depression? Connect with others with similar health concerns and issues. Click here to join the group.
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 17
I agree with what you say about taking a breath, trying to put your anger in perspective, to stop yourself from being unnecessarily hurtful to a child. In the heat of the moment it is very difficult to rememer that your child is not a small adult! That is, children do not have the same capacity to make judgments, consider their behavior, or to restrain their impulses. So we can't expect them to always behave the way an adult might.
Bottom line for me is that children have a right to be children. That does not mean anything goes. Parents surely must set limits when children behave in a way that's out of bounds. The trick, however, is for parents or other caregivers to establish the boundaries firmly without bein punitive.
Thank you for your comments, which make me wonder whether lasting wounds are among the evil monkeys in your closet!
Here's how I understanding wounding words coming out of parents' mouths. Some children, many at one time or another, are aggressively demanding or willful -- there are many ways a child can be a handful. That does not make them bad or evil -- they're just following their natural desires or impulses. It takes a while for all of us to learn to control our impulses and desires, and I don't know anyone who manages those things perfectly.
If parents respond to a kid's desires by being hostile or punitive, it's harder for them to learn to manage the desires without being overly self-critical. Rather than seeing restraint and moderation as a challenge for everyone, they may come to see themselves as naughty at best or evil at worst. This has a negative impact on self-esteem. Poor self-esteem usually makes it MORE difficult to manage desires, makes it harder to take responsibility for your impulses.
All I can say about the uncle's comments to your friend is, that's one heck of a story. I hope your friend has been able to see the comment as his uncle's problem, not his.
Thanks and I see you got there first with some excellent advice for the community. You point out, rightly, that -- when a child is making you made -- it is possible to communicate what you need to without damaging the child's self-esteem. It requires a lot of self-control and sometimes a little creativity too.
Parents know however that they are not perfect either. I don't know any parent (myself included) who hasn't lost control of their words from time to time, regretting afterward what they've said to their children.
Bert's friend's uncle apologized, but too late. I think it's fine to make a matter-of-fact apology to your children when you think you've gone too far. Not a bad idea to let them see that you're human and doing the best you can to love them and help them grow up.
About 2 years ago, I was working with troubled teens, and I found that I would blow up at the drop of the hat, calling the girls names and attacking them verbally. I didn't like who I had become. So, my husband and I quit the job. Since then I now have my own son (who is 10 months old). We haven't had a situation yet, that has caused me to blow up, but I have felt my anger rising when he wouldn't stay still while changing his diaper. At those moments I think about what I went through as a child, and remember that I don't want him to grow up that way. I take a deep breath and realize that it's not that big of a deal, and laugh. Sometimes I have to force myself to laugh, but once I do, I can let it go. It is still a challenge, but I am determined that my child and future children are not going to have that baggage to carry for their lives.
I understand how these words hurt. I have experienced first hand.
My mother hit me some, not too severe but sometimes she just wouldn't stop. But what was constant was the verbal abuse. Everything was my fault, from her getting pregnant on her wedding night to when my younger brother would get hurt. Her rough voice wasn't due to smoking, but from "yelling at you kids." She told me she hated me and wished she'd never had me, told me I was awful, horrible, evil, nasty ... after a while I stopped hearing the words and only heard the message.
As a result, I've had severe depression, PTS symptoms, etc.
From the first day I knew I was pregnant with my first child, I vowed my children would know I loved them and I would never, ever speak to them like my mother did. For me, all I had to do was remember how I felt as a child, and that would take all the anger away. I may have screwed up my kids by seeming distant, but I suspect that is still better than what I went through.
I developed the theory of "hard-wired reactions." How your parents talked to you comes out when you are tired, sick, stressed, etc. I've spent my entire life with a "governer" -- like on cars -- that pre-viewed my every action, decided if it was acceptable, then let out if deemed okay. As a result, when I get really, really angry, I get so politically correct it's ludicrous. :) I also hyperventilate and get physically ill. Usually I just cry when what I want to say won't pass my governer. :) My throat tightens up with emotion and I can't speak at all.
Your articles offer me a lot of comfort, knowing that at least *someone* knows that verbal abuse IS abuse. It's not JUST verbal abuse.