1) A move from a more authoritarian household to a more democratic household. We now value children's opinions in a way that previous generations didn't.While this creates a potential for more mutual affection, it creates a greater opportunity for the child to reject or evaluate the parent's worth.
2) Increased prevalence of divorce has meant that many parents, fathers in particular, spend less far less time with their children, though some spend more time after divorce. Divorce also creates opportunities for children to evaluate their parent's effectiveness as spouses and parents with the other parent often serving as collaborator in constructing this reality.
3) At the same time that our cultural expectations of parental involvement have escalated, the demands of work make ideal parenting more difficult. This is especially true for single parents and divorced parents.
4) Parental self-doubt and anguish are fundamentally confusing to children of any age and may help children believe that they have a better case against their parents than they sometimes do.
5) The increased power of the peer group has weakened parental influence at the same time that politicians, therapists, and talk show hosts blame parents for child outcomes.
6) Pop psychology is a powerful determinant of how people judge themselves as parents and children. The creation of therapists and parenting experts has created many more ways for parents to judge themselves and for children to judge their parents.
7) As marriage has grown more fragile, parents invest more in their children. This creates higher expectations of themselves as parents and of their children.
8) Prior generations of parents viewed competition and stress as character building to children. Today's parents view them as potentially damaging and injurious. Thus, our view of children has changed from seeing them as robust to seeing them as fragile.
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an international expert on parenting, marriage, and relationships. He is a Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families and is a frequent guest on the Today Show. He has also appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, NPR, The BBC, and many other news and radio programs. His advice has appeared in the New York Times, The Times of London, The Guardian (UK), Psychology Today, The Chicago Tribune, and many other publications. Dr. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in Oakland and San Francisco, and the father of twin boys and a girl. His new book WHEN PARENTS HURT: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins) will be released in July, 2007. Sign up for his FREE, twice monthly ezine THE COLEMAN REPORT at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
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Comments: 33
Thanks for the thoughts. I like your point that it isn't just about quality time, it's also the quantity of time as well. I was married and divorced in my 20's and have a lovely 26 year-old daughter from that marriage. Because of the divorce, I was a weekend father or an every wed night every other weekend father as was the custom in those days. I remarried some 19 years ago and have twin 14 y/o boys from current marriage. While I was generally a good dad to my daughter (quality time), she didn't get the precious gift of regular day-to-day contact that I get to have with my sons and that my sons get to have with me (quantity of time and quality time). Both are very important.
Also, as you say, competition, pain, and the mastery of that pain are necessary ingredients to building the internal resources to a healthy life.
reading this, there is a new movie coming out that will have a positive effect on parenting, children, families and divorce. Simply view the trailer at:
www.jakesclosetmovie.com
thanks
rayandjudy
Wrong our son her dad is totally disabled due to Spina Bifida and Scoliosis at age 34. Because school nurses said it was mild. If we had taken him at age 10-12. He would not be disabled. Girls grow faster and develop earlier and if treatment is not started this year it will be crippling to our granddaughter. Mom already didn't listen when 2 years ago she had abdomenal pain which kept getting worse. We had her for Thanksgiving holiday and she was in agony. Son took her to emergecny thinking she had appendicitis. It was worse. She had an ovarian torsion, twisted ovary that was gangarened. She had been having this problem for weeks. Mom kept telling her lie down it is gas. She almost died. But the stupid courts still give the kids to mom.
My son is disabled and out of necessity lives with us now. He is a great dad however and even goes to teacher conferences and activities. He has to pace himself. he had surgery at age 18. His back is shot, both upper and lower. He walks with cane and wear's a back brace, he can still drive but he often sleeps 36 hours then due to pain cannot sleep for two days. He wanted a family and is hurt he lost his. She knew when she married him he had a disabling condition that was going to get worse. It just got worse faster than expected exabarated due to on the job injury. So he is a weekend dad, he makes them do home work, mom doesn't bother. My son just learned the kids have been tardy 28 days out of the year, and his son is not passing 3rd grade. He doesn't have custody so can do nothing. Court gave her all educational and medical say.
My oldest son and wife have three kids and both work, and their schedule is tight and spending time with their kids they try and do evenings as much as work allows and weekends. Both are attorneys which means taking work home and preparing cases for hearings or trial into wee moring hours.
Younger son is seeking work because has had some hard times and troubles, Once he gets it his wife plans to be home with their little girl full time. He said mom, You taught us kids to "make do, or do without until we can afford it." that is what we are going to do. they might lose their home. If they do they will start over. We did four times. Family first, we made sure the kids were loved, fed, kept warm and healthy and spent time with them with school work, teaching them how to cook, clean, animal care, baking, sewing and budgeting. We played, sang and worked togather, planted gardens and canned togather.
Our kids had to tell us who they were with name of friends, friends parents name and number. They had to call before going somewhere else and checking in. No dating until age 16 period. We taught them about sex and the consequences, about smoking and alcohol and the consequences and drugs and the consequences. From age six and on. We had livestock so sex was something they learned about and why and how early on. People can still do that. Anyway two parent households can. Mom or dad need to stay home and cut back on the frivolties and extra's. EVERY family if they look closely can pare some fat and luxury but still keep a quality of life. We cooked from and still do cook from scratch.
Our daughter has five children she is the primary worker of the family, hubby is homemaker. It works for them. He also has buisness at home as a mechanic.
They are high school sweet hearts, dated for six years before they got married and have been married 12 years come May 20th. They are still in love and work at their marriage. They have used DSHS a few times. DSHS tried to get her to get divorced. She told them no, she and her husband were married for life. DSHS asked her well who would take the kids if they seperated. She told them only death would seperate them and the kids would hopefully by that time be grandparents too and she would be great grandparent. They told her well most people are expected to get divorced within 5-15 years after marriage. Expected and Encouraged by DSHS and other government agencies. That is pathetic. The are against marriage and family not for keeping them togather.
People make choice and governments feed into it. 90% of divorce's could have been prevented with counseling and communication. Irreconcilble differences are NOT nor never should have been a reason for divorce, nor should even necessarily adultry mostly it can be worked out. But abuse yes that would be a reason.
Women are taught to have kids, get divorced, collect welfare and child support. That men are objects of scorn and ridicule and beneath them. T.V has greatly fed this. Rosanne, Who's the Boss, and show's like Sinefiled, Friends promote promescuity. People have with indifference and selfish motives, allowed too much government in. Things that should have been church buisness such as marriage, child rearing and divorce the government has invaded. Violating Church and State laws. All three are predominately church buisness not government. If some have no faith then they might have a problem. But even athiests have some kind of value system in which government should never have been allowed.
90% of the divorces I saw among my friends and family, neighbors could and should have been prevented. Break down of communication and establishing and sticking to a marital plan is why. They fail to communicate, to have compassion. Most are based on selfish, self serving motives by one or both partner's.
My son who is divorced is divorced because both he and his ex wife failed and allowed outside influences to interfer. Meddling siblings, and friends and parents or step parents. When it said forsaking all other's it does not mean leave and forget about your parents and family. But it does mean you start your own home and you do not allow well meaning family and friends to interfere in your marriage problems or buisness. The standards were thrown out because society wants "freedom to do their own thing" The problem is that they forget that everyone doing their own thing means someone is going to get hurt and abused.
Yes, I agree that there are some important parallels to the ways that parenting has become more fragile and the ways that marriage has become more fragile. We have progressively lost our connections to neighbors and society at large. The amount of taxes that corporations paid in the 50's and 60's for example, allowed poor and working class people to advance into the middle and upper classes.There was a greater sense of hope and a feeling that everyone could succeed. Americans are reported to have fewer friends now than at any other time in history. An already highly individualistic society, we have become even more isolated and atomized. This makes marriage more fragile as people are cut off from the rich ecosystem of extended kin, neighbors, and religious institutions that support familes they rely on their spouses as their sole means of support.
Yes, there's a good book called Spoiling Childhood where the author says that it's interesting that today's middle class parents are so permissive when it comes to letting their children hit them. I'm not advocating spanking or corporal punishment, but we have become so worried about hurting our children's feelings that we've lost our sense of appropriate authority.
You're right that our society's move towards letting everyone do his or her own thing has been largely a bad idea. Take child care, for example. In Europe, higher taxes go to support high quality child care and family leave which means that families have less conflicts about balancing work and family. In the U.S., companies are allowed to bankrupt towns by moving their businesses to cities or countries with a lower tax base.
And these so-called "family values" politicians are invariably the ones fastracking legislation to allow it to happen while the actual families get thrust into poverty and despair. As Springsteen wrote, "Once I made you rich enough to forget my name."
Also, for the past two years our kindergarten classes had more divorced parents in them than married ones. I'm not one to judge anyone for being divorced, I only mention it because it shows how common it is. I was also struck by how many of these families fall apart in a short amount of time. (before their kids turn 6).
I'm a "mean" mom. I don't tolerate fresh mouths, I expect them to use their manners, I teach them to express themselves and to listen to others.
My personal bent on this, is that we've run too far down on the "respect others" and "embrace differences" bandwagon, that now anything is acceptable and normal. To me, it's not acceptable for a child to curse at an adult, it's not acceptable for people to vandalize public property (oh it's JUST their self expression)...things like that.
I witness it daily. I also see that rebellion is starting at a younger age. Mean kids are allowed to be REALLY mean, and no one can discipline them because they fear "crushing their ego". School teachers can't teach because they spend half the day on discipline issues. Our principal disciplines a child by suspension, detention, etc, and the parents yell at the principal.
Something is very wrong, and I believe what you listed to be strong contributing factors
Children want attention, heck every human wants attention. Withdrawing that attention from a child is one of the most effective disciplines there is.
I've rarely spanked my children, although there have been times when I felt it was the most appropriate for the situation (like unbuckling a car seat while we're driving ACK). I believe that it's better to pull away from that form, because there are so many parents with serious emotional issues, that have NO business striking a child.
I equate the "why does my child hit me" with the "why does my child bite when nursing". Parents are still in charge, and you remove the target...the games over
My parents did it all wrong with me. I should be a sociopath by now. They spanked me. Grounded me. Took things away. Gave me more chores ect. My mom told me if I got picked up by the police for getting into trouble I should beg the police to keep me. LOL I'm still afraid to get in trouble and have them call my mom. :)
Two of my six are what the "world" terms special needs, I just feel that God made them unique, and we'll deal with their struggles just as I would anything else. Anyway, due to one of their issues, we have a wonderful displays of tantrum in public. People sure seem to think they know what should be done. Let them come spend a few days with her... kwim?
Believe me I love her to the ends of the earth, but it's tiring. I've been turned in many times, so many that I just open my door and tell them to spend some time talking to my kids. Children who are abused are not friendly, talkative, bright, and confident. It doesn't take long for people to see the dedication I have to them.
I also agree with you that men are more involved than they used to be. My dad loved us, but the way he "loved" us was to provide a good home. Day to day parenting was up to my momma.
My husband is as adept at this as I am. I can leave, and have, for a week and life goes on as it should. I'm proud of his involvement with my kids. I know many dads who struggle just to get time with their kids, it's very sad!
Before you start whining to me about child abuse, let me assure you that I, my sister Judith S., who is also a member here, and my two brothers were raised in what was probably the most abusive household on earth that did not have someone actually die from the abuse. My very earliest childhood memory is my mother sitting on the side of her bed, holding my father's handgun, and sending me next door to tell the neighbor that she was going to kill herself because of something the neighbor had either said or done. I know I was two when this happened because of where we lived. I was told from the cradle that she did not want a child, and if she had to have one she wanted a boy. Her favorite "weapon" of choice toward me was my dad's Marine Corpdress web belt, buckle end first. I have had the Marine Corp emblem imprinted on my legs, back, arms, chest, stomach, and face more times than I can count.
I do not, for any reason, condone child abuse.
However, to condemn it, you must first define it. Yes, my mother was physically abusive. She was twice as abusive emotionally. I have to tell you, though, that my mother's abuse made me a strong, enduring, and strangely confident person, as they did my sister. I have come to the conclusion that somewhere in our minds we decided that having survived our childhood without crumbling completely or becoming serial killers and knowing that, despite all predictions to the contrary we actually turned out pretty OK made us strong, independent, and self confident.
What you probably won't understand....and please believe me when I say that I have not one single happy childhood memory.....is that I would have far rather grown up the way I did than to grow up in an age where a parent cannot punish their child without fear of the police knocking on their door.In my opinion, not teaching your child things like the fact that life isn't always fair and sometimes there's nothing you can do about that except shake your head and start over, that while it may be my legal right to say any mean, nasty, hateful, ugly thing I wish to anyone I wish doing so may well get my butt kicked and if I deserve it no one is going to care a whole lot, that no matter what mean, rotten cruel thing someone does to me it is not right nor is it in my own best interest to turn around and do the same thing to someone else is in fact the height of child abuse, far and above worse than what our mother ever did to us.
Further, if the schools, the social workers, and the government are going to dictate how we can and will, if indeed we do, teach our children life's lessons, then they need to take those children and assume the responsibility for what they do and how they turn out, and most importantly take responsibility for the mistakes, small and large, that they make on the way to whatever kind of adulthood they reach.
My children are in their thirties. I was not ever, nor am I still, their friend. I didn't want to be. I was their parent. By definition that meant that they were not going to like me at least part of the time. I was, and continue to be, OK with that. For that matter, there are still times when I don't like THEM much, as there were when they were children. And I'm OK with that, too, and so are they because they know that I always love them, even when I don't like them at all.
You have to love your children enough to discipline them. Enough to say, "You cannot act like that because if you do no one is ever going to like you and the day you meet someone who is a bigger bully than you, you are going to get your lights put out.
Enough to calmly say, "You cannot and will not be allowed to _____ (you fill in the blank). If you persist in trying to do it, I will punish you."
You have to mean it. You have to be willing to do what you say you will do, regardless of the consequences. If you are not, even once, your children will know it and you are finished as a parent. From that point you will be the ride, the bank, the whatever....but you won't be the parent any more. It's a step from which there is no turning back.
Should children be spanked? Of course. Aversion therapy is almost stunningly effective. They should not be spanked in anger. They should not be beaten. But a simple, calmly delivered spanking? It really won't scar them for life, I promise you. And if it is properly done, it will get their attention, which is all you should be trying to do with a spanking anyway.
Keep up the good work Nicole
One of my favorite quotes is from Mark Twain.
He said he left home at 16 because his dad was an idiot. When he returned at 23 he was amazed at how much his old man had wised up.
Like you said we're not here to be their friends. We're here to be their parents. We can only hope that they grow up the way we want them to and see what it was we were trying to teach them.
It's interesting that this trend towards greater permissiveness isn't just a phenomenon in the U.S. but also exists in Europe. I'd be interested in hearing from some of the readers from Asia and Africa to know whether parenting attitudes are changing there and if so, in what ways? I think in the US there's a lot of confusion about what constitutes harmful vs helpful authority in parenting practices and some of this has to do with the anti-authority movements that began in the 1960's. I agree with you KLB that it isn't our kids' fault if they run wild if we're giving them too much rein. Many parents, especially those who came from homes where there was abuse or excessive control are more vulnerable to equate limit setting with abuse when it's actually a form of love.
The parents I know who have this problem were in fact abused and can't bring themselves to punish their kids (smacking or other). They are quite open to talk about the problems they have......but yes they have no idea how to define between what is too much and what is loving parental control, so they opt for verbal screaming and carrying on.......which I personally find is worse than taking physically hold of your kid and standing them in a corner. I come from a very steady family.....I thought this was the norm..........however the older I get the more it's becoming obvious to me that I was in the lucky minority, this is really sad.
I see how kids now adays tend to speak out more often even when they shouldn't and society has taught them that it is ok. Sometiems I wonder if we ever had to go into hiding like back in the days of the settlers if our children today would even make it as they would not know when the appropriate time would be to voice their opinion. That that we do not want to hear them, just there is a time to speak and a time to listen. I am trying to teach them some of these things, but it is difficult.
I agree that it's harder, in part, because parents have far less control over their children than prior generations did. Teens, and even younger children, have separate worlds that influence them and decrease parental authority. In addition, it's harder to idealize authority in the way that one could when I was growing up in the 1960's. Where are the Martin Luther Kings, The JFK's? People, children included, have become appropriately cynical of those in power and that resonates throughout society and into the home. This doesn't make parents powerless, but it does affect children's attitudes and behaviors.