I am entering the sunset phase of my reproductive years and for the first time, I hear the clock ticking.
Should I succumb to the age old call of passing down my genes? Are my genes good enough to pass down? Or should I select a child who is already here, adopt someone who is lost its mother? Would I be a good mom or would I drive my child into years of therapy?
Do most women question whether they should go ahead and turn their bodies and their lives over to another human being? How are they so willing to relinquish control over to their creation? Aren't they afraid it will turn on them as Mary Shelly's Frankenstein or Gertrude Bell's Iraq did?
I have many hesitations to willingly giving birth to a child and I suspect I am not alone in my ambivalence. I've read the countless tales of talented women artists who never produced another painting after they had children. Granted, many of these women lived in an era when child raising and housekeeping consumed one's entire day and energy. Today more women seem to balance creativity and childrearing. I suspect the secret of their success lies with a support network.
I am impressed by the number of "working mom" and mom entrepreneur chat room and websites that exist. It seems that half of the women websites and women blogs are a resource for working mothers. This gives me hope. One organization I've used to help me understand internet marketing is led by Alice Seba, called Internet Working Moms. This is one of many great resources for women who are creating innovative careers that allow them to balance the needs of family with the needs as a financial provider.
Each time my mother asks for grandchildren, I remind her that I am busy trying to get my writing career off the ground and to make money in business. I tell her my female heroes didn't have children, including Georgia O'Keeffe, Edith Wharton, Jane Addams, Gertrude Bell, and Eva Hesse. I remember how much Sylvia Plath struggled to balance family and work, and how she lost that struggle.
But then my mother reminds me of other women I admire who managed to pull it off. Jessie Fremont (1824-1902), an abolitionist, writer, and political campaigner had a couple of children.
Lucretia Mott (1793-1880) who is credited as the first American feminist had six children.
I was most surprised to learn of the first female physics professor at the University of Bologna in Italy. Laura Bassi (1711-1778) was described as "a figure of the greatest importance in the intellectually flourishing Bologna of the eighteenth century" * The University of Bologna was one of the premier universities in Europe. Bologna itself was a hotbed for female progress, housing several famous female painters after the Italian Renaissance.
Bassi had at least eight children with her husband Giuseppe Veratti. Her husband also taught at the university but his position was ranked lower than hers. Bassi negotiated an arrangement with the university that not only allowed her to lead lectures from her home but to also receive higher pay. She was a champion of Newtonian physics and is credited with bringing Isaac Newton's physics to Italy.* She is definitely a role model for mothers who also have an established professional career.
The study of these women still hasn't led me to a decision, so I guess I'll continue to listen to that clock tick as I wrestle in my ambivalence.
Looking for more?
Laura Bassi biography page
Internet Working Moms
Please visit FaMiss - Women's Success Profiles, including books & movie reviews highlighting historical and modern women experiences.
Allison Frederick is the author of the upcoming novel, A Portrait of Josephine - a classic tale of mentor and apprentice with a twist. A timid graduate student finds herself in the middle of an international art fraud spanning two centuries and two continents. To help her navigate these unchartered waters, she turns to an unlikely mentor - a 150 year old painting. Get your free autographed copy, click here or go to http://www.portraitofjosephine.com/
*http://www.bookrags.com/biography/laura-bassi
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Comments: 8
Sometimes we over-intellectualize our baser human needs. You don't have to have a child. just like you don't have to write.
For me the first one was totally unexpected, but I he called to me and I'm glad he did, he's marvelous.
My daughter was a burning desire, her younger brother a total suprise. They are both blessings.
I actually accomplished a lot being a mom but it just depends on your energy level, priorities, lifestyles and organizational skills. Many times it's overwhelmingly hard, but you get through.
Luck to you on your decision making. Make sure whatever decision you make, it's yours.
If your ego demands that you have "your own" child, and that somehow your genes are exceptionally important to the gene pool, then have a kid. But, if your more concerned with the overall stability of the world, and you realize that all children are valuable, you should consider adoption instead. I just could never bring myself to deliberately bring a child into the world when there are so many that desperately need good parents.
Sorry if that came across as harsh. At 37, I already have people asking me about my "biological clock." I tell them the batteries are dead, so I don't hear any ticking. Too often, that "tick-tock" is not your own actual desire, but society claiming your only real value is to reproduce, and everything you have done as a non-mother is not nearly as important.
Frankly, anyone can get knocked up and give birth. It doesn't make you special. Adopting a child that desperately needs a loving mother, that is a courageous act.
Me, I didn't need to look outside for my answer to the same question. I just know that I am not cut out for it. It isn't just that I don't want to physically have children, it is that I don't think that I would be a good mother.
Also, the man that I love and plan to spend the rest of my life with is quite a bit older than I am and has adult and semi adult children of his own. He doesn't want more and I have a hard enough time keeping up with them as it is.
There are times that I worry a bit about who is going to be there for me when the times comes and I need help. Still, that is no reason to consider having a child, so that I won't be alone years from now.
A child is a blessing. Some are mixed blessings, to be sure, and some are born into less-than-optimum circumstances, but a child is always a gift from God and a joy. I had my children earlier in live (early 20s) but I have known a lot of women who had children in their late 30s and early 40s. I think that people who have them early have more energy, but people who have them late have more resources and more wisdom. I probably would have been a better mother if I'd waited a few years and gotten my own wildness out of the way first.
Follow your heart.