You Don't Know How I Feel

"No, you don't know HOW I feel." 

While I appreciated the fact that this person wanted to comfort me, and I didn't want to be rude, I had to cut him off.  How could he possibly have an idea of how I felt?   I am not prone to crying in public, and seem somewhat private.  Maybe I even seem standoffish, but I'm not here to parade in front of them.  Because I choose to cry in private, it doesn't mean I don't care.  Because its' a weight for people that they don't need.  Crying makes some people uncomfortable, but it makes some people think you're dealing with it better, if you cry in public.   I don't see the need in doing it to make THEM feel better.  I'll heal.  It will take some time, but I'll heal.

This was my 6th funeral in less than two years.  I had lost a cousin, my mother, a family friend, my grandmother, my father-in-law, and now my paternal grandmother.  My Uncle had died in 1998.  So I didn't have anyone left on my mothers' side, except for my great-Aunt's family.  Now it was starting on my father's side.  Yes, I know it's the way of things.  I know it's natural, progression.  But it's been such a short time.  How am I even standing up???   And NO, you do NOT know how I feel. 

It's unbelievable the anger I feel, the desperation, the regret.  Anger, because it's happening too fast, I'm overwhelmed.  The desperation for the same reason.  How can I prepare myself for this?  My father is 70 now, and I worry about him every day.  Regrets, because I always wish that I could have done more, visited more, been in the right place... 

Oh, but I am so glad I got to see her last March.  I just had a feeling she wouldn't last much longer.  She lived a wonderful, long life.  She was 90 years old, after all!  But I just feel like they are all leaving me.  My cousin, mother, family friend, and father-in-law to cancer!  My grandmother to a stroke.  This makes me want to go out and get a full body scan, a physical, mammogram, you name it.   Now one of my best friends is being treated for ovarian cancer.  It feels like its all around me. 

No, this isn't a story.  This is true.  This is me, now, on a bad day.  This is me hating that I've lost all these very important people in my life.  This is me lamenting.  This is me bawling my eyes out, because I'm alone.  This is me, at the anniversary of losing my mother, and going to visit the grave of my grandmother tomorrow. 

Sometimes, I just need to cry.  But I do it best alone.  Any of you who pray, please think of my friend Dorothy.  I'm so worried about her. 

mmt (even an optimist has her bad days)