"Mom, what crowd were you in when you were in 7th grade? the popular kids or the invisibles?"
"What do you mean by invisibles?"
"You know the kids no one notices like me."
Doubletake. How can the center of my universe possibly consider himself an invisible?!!
"Well, I was in the popular crowd until 10th grade and then I became an invisible that everybody still knew."
"How'd you do that mom?"
"Well, it started in sixth grade when I was put into the A-Band. Then the talent show piano stuff, then student council and then the Who's Who for the yearbooks..."
"Was it fun?"
"for a while yeah. Then it got hard. I wasn't clickish enough to keep my status. I kept being nice to everybody which eventually turned me into an invisible and by the 10th grade I was a complete and utter social washout."
"Oh. So, how was that?"
"I don't remember really - I do remember being glad when it was all over. What's this all about?"
"Oh, nothing. I think it's best to be invisible to make sure nobody notices me, that i don't stick out, so no one can make fun of me."
And then I understand. My son is victim of the glass bubble head socialization theory. He walks around with his glass bubble on his head thinking it's all about him. He thinks all of the other kids are watching him to find out something about him they can make fun of. I quickly tell him everyone else in the hallway is wearing their own glass bubbleheads and they are walking down the hallways thinking everyone else is watching them, when in fact they are all walking down the hallways pretty much only thinking about themselves. Thus, the glass bubblehead theory of socialization.
"So, you get it? No one is really paying attention to you anymore than you are them! so you have nothing to worry about ok? everyone's on the same ship - but everyone is in their own rowboat."
"Mom?
"Hmm?"
"Forget it, you don't know what I'm talking about at all."
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 12
The way that the "popular kids" defend against their own fears of being scrutinized is to seek out obvious targets and make a point of directing everyone's attention to the target. It takes the focus off of them and leaves a residual sensation of power. Believe me when I say that it is NOT a pleasant experience for the target. And, it could be any kid at any time who happens to have a noticeable vulnerable spot and happens to be in the vicinity of a "popular kid" when he or she is feeling insecure.
Also, this is not a new phenomenon. It was exactly this hard to be a 13 year old 20 years ago for me, and it was exactly this hard for my mother 50 years ago.
If your son is still at a stage where he's willing to talk to you about meaningful things that he is experiencing at school and in life, you'll be able to keep that going longer if you show him that you're willing to accept the emotional truth of what he's telling you. He probably doesn't have a great deal of perspective or a lot of experience, but he knows how things feel to him.
When my 30th reunion came around - I didn't go to it because it wasn't worth it to me to pay for it. The night before the reunion, however, there was a pre-event at a local restraunt. I had contacted someone on the reunion committee a month before to let them know which event I would be attending. The woman was the high school cheer leader who remembered me from the church activities we had gone through together since elementary school. I couldn't believe it when her return e-mail said, "Of course I remember you. And my husband, says you and your husband are the most knowledgeable offroad tour guides around." I was shocked! I immediately e-mailed her back asking how in the heck her husband, who didn't even go live in our neighborhood, knew who we were. Turns out we were some offroad committee together and he had met us at an event. The night at the pre-reunion informal dinner, I had more fun knowing that I was somebody at last - and half of the popular kids were absolutely nobody! My husband and I didn't even really socialize with anyone that night other than to say hi to a few people we remembered. But the most fun was to watch everyone else and listen to them, and and realize in the grown-up world none of the junior high and high school stuff mattered any more. Actually, I called it my Romei and Michelle moment - if you've ever seen the movie Romei & Michelle's High School Reunion. And I still laugh at the sweetness of the whole night.
I relish the fact that in my adult backcountry world I am somebody, and occassionally have old classmates that barely knew me run across my website and contact me for historical information or where to go. It's really quite funny when you think about it.