From Victim to Victor

My entire life I have questioned everything.  From my parents "authorit(i)" to politics.  This process of taking each of my premises apart and dissecting them started at a young age and is due, in a large part because of my mother's openness and progressive parenting style. 

However, somewhere along the line in my development something got lost in my minds translation.  I was incredible at remembering each painful detail of my youth -- not so good at remembering it accurately.  I remember the kids who called me fat.  I remember the girl that used to hit me over the head with her boyfriend's class ring on the bus ride to and from home.  I remember not feeling like my father loved me as much as he did my brothers.  And on.. and on.. and on.

Now, as an adult, I found myself in some very similar emotionally traumatic situations.  My husband left the family we had built and jumped into another life with his new found love at work.  I was devastated.  I was numb.  I thought my life was over and that I would never feel love again.  For the next few years, that is exactly what I got.  I was ashamed, alone, afraid and not sure that I was even capable of taking care of two children on my own under even the best of conditions.  I was in the middle of school, no hidden income, no assets -- I had nothing! During the next few years, I was in a zombie like state.  I was able to finish art school and get my degree, but I did not even bother going to my own graduation.  Even though I maintained a 3.75 GPA while working two minimum wage jobs that were near our home--I felt like a victim. 

August of 2005 I was diagnosed with Advanced Stage III Invasive Ductal Carcinoma - Breast Cancer.  I had abused my body for years and this time I thought I would not get a second chance.  The odds were not in my favor - but at that point I knew the changes I had began to make the year prior were nothing less than a miracle.  So, I believed in miracles despite the odds I was given.  If you want to live -- you'll have to fight, I told myself.   October of 2005 I had a complete radical mastectomy on my left breast, after the surgeon discovered the size was larger than expected and there were multiple cancerous growths.  The cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes, which I was told was another "miracle."

During the next year, it has felt like one battle after another.  The cancer was the easy part for me, because the majority of it was out of my control.  The ongoing divorce, financial devastation from exuberant attorney fees, cost of relocating closer to family for assistance during my treatments, the bill collectors calling me, and the general terrorizing tactics that attorneys use to scare Pro Se litigants have all been very helpful in teaching me.  Together the adversity seems overwhelming.  But when it is taken apart one by one and addressed unemotionally and logically an amazing thing began to happen.  I began to recognize my own victories. 

I survived breast cancer!  I am alive to face the challenges that each day may bring.  I taught myself law and won all (to date) of my hearings.  I am no longer a frightened little girl, scared to go out into the world because there are wolves there ready to attack at the first sign of weakness.  I would not wish cancer on anyone, but for me, it really was the best thing that happened to me.  It is through this adversity that I have learned what I am really made of.  I have seen the value of family and community.  My goals have changed, my views have changed and I have grown into someone that I am proud of.  I am no longer a victim because I chose to be victorious in all that I do.  I chose to put forth my best efforts.  Whether I win or lose is not really the point - it is how I play the game.  I can hold my head high because I did give up when it would have been easier to do so. 

 I have gone through all my cancer treatments and am currently cancer free.  My chances are high for a re-occurrence because of how long I waited, but I will not quit.  I choose to take life's lemons and make lemonade (more likely a lemon sauce).  I have no idea what percentage of success can be attributed to attitude -- but I believe it is very likely that we choose how we perceive our circumstances.  How do you see yourself?  Are you the victim or the victor?