by Priscilla P.
Member since:
February 15, 2006

RevisedWhat Happened? (tanka)

October 21, 2006 11:14 PM EDT (Updated: October 22, 2006 02:59 PM EDT)
views: 21 | comments: 11
--

What happened?  (tanka)

 

A window opaque

with aspiration clears to

reveal life of drips,

Rivlets that puddle away,

Dreams relinquished to vapors.

 

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Comments: 11

Jewel Hughes Oct 22, 2006, 3:56am EDT
Interesting...
Priscilla P. Oct 22, 2006, 3:03pm EDT
Is the revision any better?
Jim Ross Oct 22, 2006, 11:07pm EDT
The metaphor of two imposters pretending to make dreams happen is very good, Priscilla. Perhaps the hero of the piece will be more insightful next time 'round. Good job.
vijay kumar Oct 23, 2006, 2:28pm EDT
A good little poem which made me stop and think.
Priscilla P. Oct 23, 2006, 10:30pm EDT
Jim, Your comment is intriguing-----I realized that the dreams were seen through a fog of wishes and 'talking big'(thus the aspirations). What happened in our life was that the window cleared up and we were left with clear thin air--all our resources gone. Cold 'reality' ended the dream--cleaned off the window of the future. Who do you see as the hero?
Edward Nudelman Oct 23, 2006, 11:05pm EDT
Nice one, I like, "dreams relinquished to vapors," a very nice passive voice here. Small point, I think you want rivulets for rivlets.
Polly C. Oct 24, 2006, 10:32am EDT
It's interesting the very different points of view on the same poem! I hope that in the vapors, you create and build on the new dreams. Perhaps it's all part of living life "one day at a time"!
Priscilla P. Oct 24, 2006, 7:25pm EDT
Ed, Thank you for the rivulets correction. That would ruin my syllable count. O dear, what now.

Polly, Can vapors material? It seems problematic that the dreams are just mine.
amanda wallin Oct 25, 2006, 10:07pm EDT
I loveed the imagery and find the message all too relatable. Underneath these goals, we find nothing but what's left of dreams.....vapor....which, to answer your question is immaterial. One needs to start anew ]or your perspective can change. The rivulets can become cataracts of hope for instance. Not in your poem, but in your life. Yeah, like I'm one to talk.
Priscilla P. Oct 26, 2006, 12:02pm EDT
Amanda, Thanks for the reaction and explanations. I value your views and appreciate you sharing them. I believe I am too discouraged and too distrustful to start up any new dreams. It's easier to just sit and play on the computer.
Tonia, who hugs trees G. Oct 10, 2008, 10:58pm EDT
"Dreams relinquished to vapors" -that is where I am in the here and now - and trying to turn those vapors into something of substance.

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